Marcus, MM got it on the nose! We are aiming for assertive. If you keep following the threads (Every Sunday & Thursday) we will be discussing tips & strategies to get you there. Cabbage, Although your current work situation may not be much fun, this is actually a great opportunity to begin practicing your new skill. A big part of being assertive is voicing your needs in a way that does not belittle the need of others or offend them. Let's take your last shift as an example. You needed to find your center but your coworker is taking every opportunity to hang a mistake on your nose. Speak up my dear! Frame it carefully as to not escalate the situation. For example, you could say... " This incident has upset me and if you don't mind, I'd like to take a few minutes to myself alone to think about it. If you'd like to revisit the matter, I'd love to talk to you about it... and state a time such as the end of the shift." A general statement such as this one can get you out of many annoying, aggravating situations. You can also practice it at home in the mirror. (This is also a great way to observe what kind of body language you are using.) Furthermore, it gives you the few minutes you need to calm down, regroup and practice your next assertive conversation with the parties involved. Does this help? Danielle, Bilingual Health Educator

cabbabge39 Wow just read through your post and have to say that you certainly are a victim of circumstance in this matter. However, you seem to be taking a great deal of responsibility for what clearly was a client's opportunistic urges. That is a shame because in any objective view you are blameless here. I don't know what type of clients these are, but I would hazard a quess and suggest that there appears to be a great deal of competition among the clients for services. That certainly is not your fault. This client saw an opportunity to get one up on his/her mates and took it. Again not your fault at all. It is probably part of the institutional culture. In the second instance, I think you should credit yourself because you acted with great restraint. Again I do not know the co-worker, but the action described by you says more about that person than it does about you. Your co-worker has probably been ignored in the past, has feelings of deep insecurity with regard to position and or status and as a result needs to shout their opinions from the roof top for fear of not being heard. I can tell by your posts that you are a literate and intellegent person. If your co-worker felt the urge to point out the mistake, once would have been sufficient. I am certain you understood at the first telling. As far as I can see a mistake was made, and you got played by a client driven by an institutional culture that puts a premium on the aquisition of scarce goods and services. This certainly is not something that you should feel quilty about. You have already formulated a plan to assure that it will not happen again, so that should be the end of the story. I hope you are feeling better, you have done so well in your quit, I would hate to see an incident like this cause you to change direction... nonic [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]12/25/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 432 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 12,960 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $4,536.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 80 [B]Hrs:[/B] 14 [B]Mins:[/B] 20 [B]Seconds:[/B] 6

Cabbage, I may be butting my nose in where it doesn't belong, but I kind of get the impression that you're taking responsibility for something that wasn't entirely your fault. I asume there was someone else in charge of deciding how much food would be prepared? The thing is, the group can't all take their food at the same time and divey it up evenly - someone would have gone without anyhow, IMHO. I think that soemone should have planned for this and prepared a bit more food. And I also think that you should mention this and appologise for serving 10 minutes early, but also mention that there wasn't enough food. [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]7/17/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 593 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 44,475 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $11,118.75 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 52 [B]Hrs:[/B] 22 [B]Mins:[/B] 38 [B]Seconds:[/B] 40

Hi Cabbage: If I understand your post correctly, you are new in that area. If that's the case, give yourself a break. As much as people tend to believe it, we do not start a new position fully able to function without difficultie. I probably would have served the meals early to - it makes sense to me not know what the implications turned out to be. So, you learned from the experience and that is good. As for your co-worker, she could use some lessons in teamwork and mentoring new staff. Her behaviour was inexcusable. If that behaviour should repeat itself, listen to her "constructive criticism" one time, and after that just state that she has already made her point, you appreciate her guidance, you have learned from the experience, and it won't happen again. End of discussion. Do not sit there and let her continually abuse you. I am sure that there are a lot more things more important to do. Also do not allow her to "tune you up" in front of client. That is totally unprofessional behaviour. You take the lead and ask her if you can move the discussion to somewhere private, or wait until the end of the shift. I wish you well on this next shift, and I am confident that it will go much better. I'd also like to say that your plan to retreat to a safe quiet place to collect your thoughts is a good idea. Take care. [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]1/27/2008 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 34 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 850 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $374.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 4 [B]Hrs:[/B] 11 [B]Mins:[/B] 48 [B]Seconds:[/B] 47

Cabbage, if you focus on the regulations about working with, and serving the clientele at each place where you do a shift... and you do not allow anyone or anything to make your heart race (pump adrenalin) then you'll make it through your day with great grace and way fewer triggers and cravings... Patrick [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]1/18/2008 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 43 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 1,075 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $483.75 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 8 [B]Hrs:[/B] 1 [B]Mins:[/B] 48 [B]Seconds:[/B] 33

Here I am getting ready for another shift at the same place (I work in more than one place) and I'm psyching myself up. I learned my lesson regarding the mistake I made last shift, and so, am not going to repeat it. I've come up with an emergency 'calm down right now' plan for myself should I need it - and that is, 2 minutes in the chapel, just breathig. I doubt I'll ever have a shift as stressful as the last one was, that was just unbelievable - I felt like I was having a nightmare....there were hungry clients milling around complaining, my co worker was yelling at me, the microwave was beeping away as people tried to figure out how to use it and then the after dinner chores were all backed up because one client decided to make a 'statement' and leave his chore half done and then go back to bed - which backed everyone else up. *sheesh* that simply cannot happen twice. again, plan - 2 minutes in the chapel breathing. I can also breathe a sigh of relief that I'm not working with the same co worker as the last shift. So, *deep breath* here I go on yet another day of learning new things and enjoying a smoke free day. wish me luck! [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]9/9/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 539 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 21,560 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $10,780.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 49 [B]Hrs:[/B] 22 [B]Mins:[/B] 6 [B]Seconds:[/B] 45

Cabbage39, When faced with a chaotic situation, you may find it helpful to take 30 seconds to ground yourself by doing a few deep breaths. Tell yourself that with every breath that I take I feel better and more relaxed. This will help you gain control and refocus. Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

p.s. in the end, all of the clients did eat...those who came later only to be met with serving trays licked clean where provided meals that had been previously frozen...don't get me started on the whole microwave fiasco *sheesh* [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]9/9/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 538 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 21,520 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $10,760.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 49 [B]Hrs:[/B] 19 [B]Mins:[/B] 1 [B]Seconds:[/B] 32

Now that I'm at home, and have journalled and taken an hour of quiet in dim light with my cat, I am calm enough to talk a bit about communication and my frustration with my passivity. I messed up at work tonight. And my co worker lectured me endlessly about how the matter 'should' be handled and how she does it etc... She came back to the subject several times throughout the shift - even in front of clients (at the top of her voice too I might add). I was aware that i messed up and had already thought of a better way I would handle the situation in the future, and I found myself becoming increasingly annoyed that my co worker continued to lecture long after the matter had been resolved. I found myself blaming the clients for taking advantage of me because I'm a new staff member and easy going...then I took on a whole ton of self blame for not forseeing a problem...and I was very passive as I listened and with feigned fascination to yet another lecture about how my co worker does it her way. The problem? I had supper ready 10 minutes early and on the prompting of one of the clients went ahead and started to serve it....well, the early birds took extra large helpings which meant that those who came later had none. Big problem, and I had decided that i would never serve early again. By the middle of the shift (about 4 hours after dinner) when my co worker launched into her speech yet again, I nodded and assumed complete responsibility for the matter. Now, you're wondering what my point is. I tried and tried to find my centre throughout my shift...that place of calm within myself that would settle my shot nerves and refresh me a bit. Well, when I took time by myself in the office, there she was at me again....when I went to another room a client was there needing support, when I went to another floor of the building the volume in both TV rooms was sky high....so needless to say I was jangled for the entire night. So, the question....how the heck can I find a way to think clearly and ground myself in the midst of chaos??? [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]9/9/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 538 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 21,520 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $10,760.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 49 [B]Hrs:[/B] 19 [B]Mins:[/B] 1 [B]Seconds:[/B] 11

Marcus, Great ways to developing assertive communication is by journaling your thoughts. If you're able to get it onto paper, it becomes real and can make it easyer for you to express yourself when the time comes. Great communication comes with practice. Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator