I�m too exhausted to go on; I�m tired of fighting the fight. I could always walk away from the craves and laugh at the thought of giving into them before now. What has happened to me? Why can�t I see a way through this? It�s all in the moment, here and now, there�s nothing else.
The nicodemon sees that I�m weak and now is pounding on me. I can�t keep this up much longer and somehow I don�t want to anymore. I�ve got my game face on but it knows it�s just a front. It knows I�m starting to think about buying cigarettes and now the urges are getting intense. It feels like a fire building with heat beyond comfort into pain. The nicodemon is speaking to me, telling me to smoke. It says the smoke will fight the fire, nothing else will work. Smoke will give the fire�s heat comfort. Smoke will take away the pain. It says I�m in pain because I�ve lost something I need. I need to smoke.
The store is very close and I was surprised to pay $5 for a pack of smokes; I would have paid $50. There�s no need for matches, I still had my lighter from before. The ashtray in my truck was still dirty with ashes. I opened the pack and got a cigarette, cracked the window and lit up. The smell hit me first, my head jerked back to get my nose away from it. A drag and inhale and the rush overcame the pain and anxiety I felt. I began to relax and I could feel the stress leave me in nearly an instant. It was over in that first drag but I wasn�t putting that cigarette out until I had smoked it all, and that�s just what I did.
The nicodemon was right, I needed to smoke. I felt good. The fight was over and the clouds began to clear away. I began to realize that I don�t have to fight anymore and the thought relaxed me further until the fire began to build again. Just as before the heat started to go beyond comfort into pain and the nicodemon told me to smoke. It said you need to smoke now and calm the fire again as you did before. And it worked again as it did before and the fire calmed and I felt no pain until the fire began to build again. I knew what to do by now, I smoked. I discovered that smoking every hour or so would keep the heat from even building and I didn�t have to experience even that, I felt no pain as long as I kept smoking. The smoke takes the pain away every time without fail. I trust the smoke to take the pain.
This continued without change for a time until I realized that the smoke was hurting me. It took the other pain but couldn�t take the new pain I was feeling. The smoke made the new pain worse each time I smoked. When I stopped smoking I felt the old pain with the new pain and I can�t tell what�s worse. I feel terrible and I have to take powerful drugs to dull the pain and the drugs make it difficult for me to function so I can�t work. It took weeks for the new pain to stop, but it did finally stop. Now the smoke works as it did before and I feel good as long as I smoke before the heat begins to build. And this continues for a time without change.
[B]My Milage:[/B]
[B]My Quit Date: [/B]3/15/2007
[B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 268
[B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 5,360
[B]Amount Saved:[/B] $1,125.60
[B]Life Gained:[/B]
[B]Days:[/B] 43 [B]Hrs:[/B] 5 [B]Mins:[/B] 2 [B]Seconds:[/B] 50
