I went to see my new doctor today. Took a PFT. Got a new inhaler to use along with my old inhaler. A nice young pharmacist comes into my room to explain how to use a spacer so I can get the most out of this new medicine.
My leg starts to bounce. You know how it does when you're taking a test or waiting impatiently on whatever. Whats eating at me now, I wonder?
I get home. take all my medicine like a good girl and I jump in here to read. I don't want to post yet cause I can't figure out where my head is yet. Then it hits me. I've zeroed in on how Martha signs off on her posts. "Its not about feelings. Its about commitment."
Commitment. Do I have it? I begin to look around myself at all of the started and uncompleted projects I've surrounded myself with in the last year. Quitting smoking included.
I've been afraid to commit, of course because I think I will fail. No. Want to fail? To what purpose? To continue kicking myself in the a$$? Do I like how that feels? I must or I wouldn't continue to do it, right?
UGH!!! My head has been in such a fog! I'm still trying to shake it off. There has been flashing lights and horns going off all around me, and I never noticed it before.
I have been smoking since I was 13 years old! 13. I had no idea who I was or what I was about. Now I'm scared to. Isn't this rediculous??
How could I be afraid of a 13 year old?
Maybe its about answering to what I've done to myself? Maybe its about really letting go of old hurts and pains? Maybe I don't know how to be good to myself? Maybe its all of the above.
Its not just about committing to not smoking. Its about committing to taking care of yourself. Thats hard when you never thought you were worth it. But, I am worth it. We are all worth it.
I'm rambling again. I just wanted to get this out of my head for some feedback. Please, anyone? This feels really raw. ttin.
[B]My Milage:[/B]
[B]My Quit Date: [/B]9/20/2007
[B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 6
[B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 180
[B]Amount Saved:[/B] $36.00
[B]Life Gained:[/B]
[B]Days:[/B] 0 [B]Hrs:[/B] 16 [B]Mins:[/B] 39 [B]Seconds:[/B] 37
