Oh boy..... I really think you are just in the 30 pit as it is often referred to. Cravings peak around 30, 60, and 90 days. Calm down, so you smoked, okay. Stop beating yourself up. Sit down and think about what you really want to do. Do you want to start smoking again? If you do, that is your choice. If you REALLY don't want to smoke anymore, get rid of the cigarettes. Brush your teeth, take a shower, start over. Period. You can put this behind you and continue with your quit. Once again, it is your choice. In the mean time, enjoy Paris. Don't ruin it by thinking about smoking. Have fun and check back in. [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]1/8/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 190 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 2,850 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $798.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 17 [B]Hrs:[/B] 15 [B]Mins:[/B] 27 [B]Seconds:[/B] 40

I slipped and I'm so afraid of myself... I've been blessed with the opportunity to travel to Paris and Italy with my family and it was great to fly here without the pain of having to deal with this addiction in the airports and be well on my way to healing. Then the temptations seemed to mount while in Paris... I was feeling stressed with my inability to communicate and just wanted to smoke to do something familiar and comforting. I smoked first somewhere around the Louvre when I found myself alone and shopping happily... Now in Italy, I snuck away and bought a pack which I slipped away and smoked a few from. My family caught me (knowing I was hiding from them again) and they sent me to the lobby of our hotel so I could get internet access and write to you all... I smoked one more and carried the rest to the trash far away. I'm such a dunce. An addict... and I hide my emotions with these things! I want to stay away from smoking and get back to my quit and stay quit!!! We had a little family meeting so there was no more hiding. It's so hard for me to explain, and I'm so afraid of myself sometimes. I can fool my family and myself some of the time but it's a nasty existence. I feel like a liar and just had to post for accountability. Gee whiz, I tossed my Italian cig stash, and now I'll have to face the pack tucked in my undie drawer in Paris before we come back home on Friday. What a schmuck I am to my family and myself. My daughter said I shouldn't just stop smoking. I should quit - because when you just "stop" there's always a "play" button. I think she has something there.... Anyway. I had to write and hope somebody is out there tonight to here me. I want to get off this merry-go-round of addiction. It's got tentacles or something and won't let me go for good. I hope I learn something amazing this time. I wish I could just wake up a non-smoker for the rest of my life. Smoking has always been my hiding place... My wall. It was a great wall to keep me composed in very difficult times in my life. Big times that come to mind over the past years were at the funerals of my oldest brother, then my middle brother, and last my father in 2001. I thought I was so strong, and had a gentle handle on things - learning to accept the things I couldn't change. But cigarettes weren't just big for me during those times. Also my happy and joyful moments. I want to feel real joy, without cigarettes. To live my life with the walls down and the roof off, but I'm afraid. I know I can, but I want it to be permanent. Lasting... mamakitty [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B]6/11/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 36 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 540 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $144.00 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 3 [B]Hrs:[/B] 18 [B]Mins:[/B] 31 [B]Seconds:[/B] 27