Thoughts. Thoughts and more thoughts.
The thoughts have actually set my mouth to watering this morning. I am salavating over the thought of having a cigarette. To fall into the temptation to let myself be delirious, unconscious and simple quit the quit.
That is one part my mind. There is another part of my mind that ays simply do different. Resist, go and do otherwise, So HERE I AM. Here is the rantthat fights against the junkie thoughts.
My mind I know can drive me crazy, this is nothing new. I read the golferman try post all 3 long pages, at least twice. There is a part of me that goes oh lah de dah (the intellectualization and battering of words, like badminton birdies). And there ia a part on me that looks at the language and says oh my G-D this is sad because it is all the same. We can try and try and try and we can do and do and do. We can want for something so bad we can taste it. WHAT I NEED TO DO RIGHT NOW IS KEEP MY AGREEMENT WITH MYSELF.
In the universal realm of my quit, my spinning mind really has little to do with my addiction, my wanting to quit, my visualizing of not being able to breath, REALLY not being able to breath, IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH MY CHOICE, MY ACTIONS, MY BEHAVIOUR. I need to in every moment recognize my choice to be a non-smoker. To go back to recognizing my agreement with my self, to give myself the experience of having no smoke, nicotine, formaldahyde, tar and all of the other crap that is in a cigarette and the effluent that I inhale when it is lit.
I am sad today reading of Cuddles and your struggle, StuBow and your choosing to purchase cigarettes and consume them. The new people who post about how hard it is to cut back, (I know the cutting back thing, I spent a month going from 25 cigarettes or more a day to 6, I finally had to say to myself that I was making it a whole lot more difficult to do this and I had to tell myself to finally give over and quit, [i]by the way I usually eat the whole box of chocolates, that could be a pound or it could be 5 pounds I will eat the whole thing[/i] ). Hearing of how difficult these quits and the emotions that come up around then has me feel sad. Lady I am sad and sorry that your Dad started smoking again. There is a whole lot here that has me feel like I have lost s