Today is much better. I woke up without the impossible craving. Yesterday, my son called and told me that my exes girlfriend had somehow and I don't know how, got ahold of the long gone and forgotten relatives in Texas and invited them to a Memorial Service that his friends were arranging. She invited them to stay at the house. How she could do that is beyond me, beyond my understanding. The house is closed and the locks have been changed. No one is staying at the house.
I know these people. I've known them for 45 years. I was there through two family funerals and they are in a single word, vultures. They will sweep through and strip that house of anything they can carry. Since my ex had not communicated with these people for well over ten years, since his Aunt's funeral when they got in fistfights over who was taking flowers, I was not going to tell them, nor was my son. My ex didn't like them, didn't consider them his family and never invited them out to see him. Now there is a caravan of empty pick up trucks on their way all anticipating going back full.
That was the straw that broke me. I went as long as I could, fought as hard as I could, and then I was wounded.
The camel is back on track. I'm not giving up. I'm recovering from my smoking injury. I have had way too many benefits from not smoking to throw it all away. I made a little ceremony so I'd know just what I was doing and that it was really important and a monumental risk. I just had to do it. I just could not take it another second. Not another second. Believe me, I can tolerate a LOT, really a LOT. It just got way way way too much.
I wonder, now that it's over, and it did not occur to me at the time, but now that it has occurred to me, I won't forget. How it would have felt to go outside and sit down with just the glass of wine and no cig????? That's what I should have done, try it out, take a test drive, see how it feels. Next time should it ever get this bad, I'll see how it goes.
