Shannon My parents are both dead and have been for a very long time. When they died I inherited a bro and a sis. The bro has done well..the sis.....is a drug addict.. lived with me off and on for over 3 yrs...broke into my apt and stole all my stuff....she got out of jail for about the 5th time just before x-mas...tried to move in with my x-husband...I only hope I am not called to identify her body...very sad, but I don't think she is going to change...many offers from my bro in Utah to move there...she says NO, I can't see my kids (her 2 sons live with her x...teenagers, and her unbelievable model daughter, 8 yrs old, lives with Grandma, who got custody about 3 yrs ago) She doesn't see her kids with being in jail all the time anyway. Ok 2 more things and then I'm done... My oldest brother who my DAD brutalized, became Schizophrenic in his first year of college and has remained so today. I have 3 aunts who are borderline retarded..two have died, one is living. Secondly, when I was 9, and my mom was working 3-11pm.. I brought a friend home with me one afternoon. My Dad took her down into the basement and molested her. He served prison time........BUT I had to go to school with that girl until I graduated HS........ Can you even imagine the *guilt by association* I felt. I could never even look her in the eye.. and once again I felt it should have been ME, instead of her.

Have you ever uncovered you inner child with you Dr? It's a pretty painful excersise but it opens the flood gates. My family is so dysfunctional! My parents and sisters cant't spend the holidays all together. My one sister hasn't spoke to them in almost 7 years They didn't even go to her wedding or have ever met her children and we all live in the same city. I felt like I have been the go-between for them. I can't do that anymore. It all goes back to what we have learned all our lives and its like a bottle of pop that gets shaken so much that one day the top pops off and the panic begins.

oK I have to admit I have been holding back the tears... I do remember once, when my Mom did try to commit suicide...took some aspirins or something...dont' really remember..but it had more to do with her situation and my DAD, not me..........but there was a period I went through where she hated me...MY Dad favored me and hated my oldest brother.....MY MOM favored the older brother and HATED me.. ONE Mother's Day I saved up money to buy her a gift..such a LAME gift...a punch bowl with glasses...OMG..........she never entertained, but I thought It was pretty... When I gave it to her........she wouldn't open it..... I don't know if she ever did....... I was crushed........felt worthless....hated myself.. THEN the other legacy I have to live with is this: When I was 7 she had a baby girl that she gave up for adoption.......... then had 2 more kids that she kept.... I have never been able to find my sis......... I wonder and have always wondered......... WHY DID SHE KEEP ME? I decided that I was the one she really wanted to give away....... Even though I have had a really fuc*** up childhood, I felt at times, I have overcome it... But when periods of instability come........they seem to revive themselves.. Is this simply repression?

Ok, I'm crying! Are our mothers sisters? My story is a little different. I do remember sitting at my moms bedroom door begging her not to kill herself because I got a D on my report card. IT SUCKED HARD!!!! We will have to e-mail our story's. Maybe we can write a book. S

OMG Shannon!!!!!!!!!! I have been the MOM since age 8.... My mom worked 11-7AM...and I had two, very young siblings...AND an alcholic father....when she went to work, he went to the bars.. I'd wake up at 2am with the baby in the crib, crying for a bottle and my dad passed out at the table.. I remember sometimes CRAWLING ON MY HANDS AND KNEES to my siblings bedroom so he wouldn't see me, to give them a bottle.... In some of his drunken rages, we'd retreat to an upstairs rental unit, that was never rented, for the 4 of us to sleep on a double bed..........OR we'd go to a park and sleep in the CAR. I was TOTALLY RAISED ON THE FLIGHT/FIGHT syndrome..never knowing which would occur...as my brothers got older, they'd stand between my mom who had a butcher knife and my Dad who was ready to take EVERYONE OUT.............sad that we have to become moms at age 8...which is one of the things the psychologist pointed out.....I was NEVER allowed to be a child...........I never felt safe or protected....becacause I was too buys protecting everyone else... IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!

You said it, If you had a heart condition would you just excersise, Hell no you would take meds. I know why I have this wonderful condition. My parents had me fearing the world. I was the MOM in my family since age 13. (my mom is bi-polar) I got my sisters through there teenage years and I was a teenager. But I cant blame, I have to deal with it. I have 2 teenagers and it has crossed my mind that they could have this too. I know I have been a great parent and done much better than my parents did. We can't choose our family but we can surround ourselves with positive people. (I'm babbling) Have yu read any book on panic? S

Thanks for the info Shannon....!! I am seriously leaning toward making an appt with my doc. The ride home was so much better than going to work. But NOT as good as yesterday. I keep getting this feeling of being very sleepy! So I keep asking myself "How many times you fell asleept at the wheel?" NEVER Yes, never...SO....it's okay to feel sleepy without falling asleep. LOL Also I tell myself...if you weren't driving, would you feel as sleepy...like wanting to take a nap? Of course NOT..... Also I remind myself that whenever I am a passenger, I have always had this tendency to *space out*.... Even in other situations I space out.... and how I define that is this: I tend to not focus my eyes...sort of stare at things... but unless you're driving, it doesn't really matter. When I am driving lately I feel as though I am constantly fighting this PULL to *space out*...like I have to keep reminding myself to *focus* Does that make sense? If I didn't have this current panic situation, it wouldn't even be worthy of discussion. I dunno... I have never been a brave driver, but I have always been a confident one in the areas that I am familiar with....EVEN when high traffic... NOW I can barely tolerate a LOW traffic route. :mad:

I wanted to add that my b/f has been encouraging me to see my doc. I guess it's pride that holds me back. I want to defeat this on my own, without a crutch. But then I remember years ago (about 27) when I had panic attacks right after my first baby was born...what a psychologist told me...he said if you had a broken leg you'd need a crutch..something's broken now and you need a crutch...it doesn't have to be permanent. And it wasn't. But with those panic attacks, I had severe depression as well. All I was given then was valium. Through regular counselling though, I was off the valium in a short amount of time, and the panic attacks disappeared. Odd that I've gone over 27 yrs without one.......and then all of a sudden...!!! But I am pleased that the drugs have improved, at least. Most of my depression was attributed to a really bad post-partum, collicky baby and sleep deprivation...add all those to the mix and you have one crazy lady!! One thing that concerns me though, is that I've read that some of this can be a genetic predisposition. Now I don't know if my Mom ever had panic attacks..hell back then they probably hadn't even been identified. But she DID have severe bouts of depression...AND a fear of driving. I have an aunt that also has a fear of driving. MY daughter did not get her DL until age 20...and has had similar situational panic attacks..tests at college, IBS, and when she took her first drivers test, she failed, because she was panicking. I had some Xanex at the time for this really WEIRD condition where your larynx freezes up when you sneeze or cough..and it closes off your breathing ability........for about 30 sec...feels like you're gonna suffocate...thought to be viral...lasts for about 3-5 days and your chances of it ever happening twice is astronomical...anyway...I only took one, of the 5 pills they gave me...so I gave the rest to her. She experimented with them and the next time she took her test, she passed!! NOW she has gone to the doc to get a small supply for those times when she has to take impt tests...and does WELL...I would never tell her about this recent phobia as not to make her even more paranoid...LOL AND now she is an accomplished DRIVER...drives in all kinds of LA traffic that I would never even attempt. Th

Kitcat, How was the ride home? If you are considering meds, go into it with the understanding that it may get a little worse before it gets better. My Doc gave me Ataivan along with Lexapro. This really helps for the first few weeks, when your panic may be hightened. I had a bad experience the first time but I just recently started Lexapro and I'm so glad I stuck it out because I feel great. It wasn't horrible, just uncomfortable for about 4 days. Ive heard good things about Paxil too. Good Luck Driving tommorow!!!!! S

Thanks dCheryl ( = I think I will see how Monday morning and the weekend goes...and make my decision to call for an appt on Monday. Does it help you to have someone in the car (your son) with you...or does it make any difference? I'll be thinking about you.... Let us know how it went Does the Paxil make you sleepy at all? :)