Hi everyone.
I’ve been doing really well these past few months. Exposure work has really helped me and it still is helping. However, I’ve begun a relapse over this past week. I’ve had issues with eating, thankfully they’ve not returned. I’m not afraid of eating like I used to be, thanks to an exposure schedule. Just this past week, I’ve been very anxious and have been going through at least one panic attack a day. The only explanation I can come up with for this is my hormones playing havoc with PMT. I always get bad PMT but last weekend was the worse by far. I was having these horrible intense feelings of depersonalisation, my head was buzzing, felt tingly yet numb at the same time. This was nothing I haven’t been through before. What set this panic attack apart from the ones I’ve had in the past, was this urge to kill myself. I’ve had these kind of thoughts before with PMT and talked it over with my councillor. But I’ve never had this overwhelming urge for self harm in a panic attack before. All the panic attacks I’ve had in the past have been a fear of dying, rather than a fear of wanting to die, if that makes sense. I think I’ve worked it out. Think it might be a control issue. Like if I’m scared of dying then I can relieve that by replacing fear with want. Gaining some stupid idea of control so it frees my mind up to relax, if that makes sense. I’m always trying to think of the reasons behind things, and I think this is the reason behind this relapse and new fear.
That panic attack last weekend the worst of it lasted maybe 3 minutes. Wasn’t that long. But during those 3 minutes I was seeing lines, like my vision went all blurry, but the worse part was depersonalisation. Since that day this week has been a challenge. I’ve been very depressed, maybe because I was doing so well and now this. I know in my heart of hearts that things can and do get better, but erugh it still feels terrible all the same.
I’d love to know if theres any way I could tackle this relapse. Any form of new exposure work I could introduce. Because I can’t think of any exposure techniques for this fear of suicide, it’s really quite bizarre. I feel like such a drama quee