Hi Guys, Its takin me all day to summon up the courage to touch my keyboard. Yeah, i hit the proverbial brick wall at six hours, and feel disgusted with myself since. I feel ive let myself down as well as all you guys. At six hours the monkey on my back was chattering non stop, drivin me insane, i felt i was at my own interrogation with me doin the interrogating, eg go on light it up, why torture yourself, you know youre gonna light up next week anyway so why do this to yourself, youre insane wanting to punish yourself this way. Then the usual excuses its not the right time, try much later. Physically the pain in my legs was intense, although i know my arteries and vessels were opening up i thought if i smoked it would stop the pain, wrong the pain was still there because they were shutting down again after i lit up. Really DISGUSTED. fEEL RIGHT THIS MINUTE I WILL NEVER GET OFF THIS MERRY GO ROUND. Had a strange thought in the middle of this tug o war, A friend of mine was in a bad car smash around 9 years ago, very lucky to survive, but was left in a coma for 5 months, He like me was a very heavy smoker, when he came round after 5 months someone offered him a cigarette, and everyone was stunned when he refused it, as they all knew how heavy he smoked, surprised this person asked the doctor why did he refuse the cigarette and the explanation given was that because of the accident and the coma my friend had no recollection of being a smoker. Just didnt remember. Today I envied him just a little, isnt that pathetic. I think i need something like a 3 month non smoking boot camp. Out in the wilderness somewhere far away from everything and all temptations and not a cigarette in sight for miles. FED UP FAILING. Sorry guys especially after all your encouragement.
