Thanks everyone, I really needed help and I'm going to do the following exercise as suggested to help me re-focus to reinforce this great quit I've got going but are taking for granted because the last throes of addiction are messing with my mind.
Even though I've done this before and can read my old reasons I'm going to do it again and add abit more!
How I felt as a smoker:
1. Embarrassed of my "weakness"
2. Smelly
3. Terrified this "one" was the one that would start a terminal illness.
4. Sick when I thought of looking my non-smoking husband in the eyes if I did get a terminal or serious smoking-related illness
5. Angry with myself for being controlled by a weed
6. Shocked at how addicted I was and to what lengths I would go to to have a cigarette
7. Tired of having to smoke to feel "normal"
8. Anxious. Suffered anxiety attacks, heart palpitations and chest pain regularly
9. Smelly!
10. Stupid
11. Smelly!
12. Momentarily relieved only when the nicotine would hit my brain and then immediately everything else on this list!
13. Stupid when I'd think to myself "I need a cigarette" and then realise I was actually smoking one at the time.
14. Scared realising my addiction was getting stronger and the 8mg of nicotine in my cig obviously wasn't enough anymore.
15. Embarrassed and shallow that I would make friends with people more if they smoked even if I didn't necessarily like them as people all that much.
16. Addicted and out of control of my life
How I feel as a non-smoker:
1. Clean, clean, clean, clean, clean! Inside and out.
2. Proud of myself for taking control
3. Clean, clean, clean, clean, clean!
4. Free. I don't have to plan my existence around smoking or having enough smokes on me.
5. Strong mentally, emotionally and physically
6. Happy I can hug and be hugged by any one any time - especially my husband.
7. Excited when I feel it's possible I'll get to a point soon where there's no longer an internal struggle
8. So proud of myself I could howl to the moon.
How I would really feel if I smoked:
1) Devastated. I would bawl my eyes out.
2) Devastated that there would be nothing I could do to undo it.
3) Dirty inside and out
4) Unfaithful to myself - it would feel the same as if I cheated on