Out in the garden for a good part of the afternoon. Just puttering, and watering and weeding and cleaning up.
And
A revelation, like something that I had been looking for and not found, a piece of knowledge that actually will help me get along. As most of you know, having read any of this thread that it has not been easy for me for the last little while. I am full of anxt, not panic or depression just plain anxt, worry, not liking what is going on in the moment, things taking too long. Well one of the things that I did superbly for many years was slow that wanting everything right now down. I can smoke and take ten minutes and slow this down, I can smoke 2 or 3 and a half hour will have passed. Well I am in a situation in my life where I would have been getting a lot done and smoking a lot at the same time. Nothing is different except I do not have the crutch of the smoke to drag things out, slow things down. The smoke gave me a false sense of control, a false sense of security. I am having to give myself that security, the sense of if not controling actually being in a place of choice and determination of what is happening in my life.
That smoking crutch was a place where I would go to take my time, think for a bit, wait for what was happening next. Well there is just the plain waiting, hanging and I know that I need to find something to replace that smoke that drew things out with something. Candy is not working, water is not working I could drink a gallon, of anything, and not feel satisfied. Coming here to read can offer a bit of solstice, and I really need to be with my own stuff to find the way through for me. Reading here helps, finding what others have done helps. Sticking it through is okay and I find that I have more anxt if I simply just wait it out. Talking on the phone with my family has helped, emailing them and conversing with them has been good. They all live between two hours by car and ten hours by plane away. Talking with my neighbour has helped. Just breezing away talking about nothing really, the garden, what is happening in the world, soccer????, the park next door where a tree was cut down by the city and ... . Just talking, connecting myself to the world around me. That has helped to ease the anxt. Takes my mind of the constant