Welcome,
Thank you for explaining a bit of what you have been going through. It sounds like you do want to take control of this depression but have also almost given up on this happening as you have tried for so long. I can really hear the apathy in what you write. It must be so difficult to face that challenge every day. I think many members can relate to what you are going through; so, know you are not alone.
I think CBT will help. Working on your thinking will in time change how you feel. It will take quite a bit of effort but I am confident you will be able to take control of this.
It sounds like you have already identified things that you do that do not help. Identifying issues is probably the hardest part about getting well. You are already half way there. How have you tried to change these behaviors? How have you tried to replace these behaviors with alternative ways of coping? For example, how can you catch yourself when you are self-sabotaging? How can you challenge the thoughts that are pushing you to self-sabotage? What can you do about these thoughts that will be soothing and not exacerbating?
As I read over this last paragraph I wrote I also reflect on you saying - Is it strange to want to be sad? How can you answer the questions I asked you and think about how to change when you don't want to change? I think before answering the above questions perhaps one of the first things that needs work is challenging the negative core belief that you deserve to be sad. The program can help you to do this. The goal is to come up with a replacement belief that is more accurate based on evidence. Then practice using the belief until it becomes your new normal - this takes time as any pattern takes time to break and then time to start a new pattern. Right now your thought patterns you have learned are hindering your progress. It will be your challenge to work on this. In addition to working on the program here are some questions that may help you challenge this negative core belief:
What do you gain from self-sabotaging?
How does it help your life?
How does it hinder your life?
How does it help or hinder the lives of others?
What evidence is there that you do not deserve to be happy?
What evidence is there that you deserve to be happy?
If a friend of yours felt they didn't deserve happiness and asked you for advice what would you say to them?
Ashley, Health Educator
