Hi Ashley,
Brace yourself: this is going to be a long read.
Yes actually I have made some changes. About 3 weeks ago I decided to temporarily drop out of a masters degree that I had been working towards. I'm about half way through the program, and it was a tough decision, but I found myself in the midst of a full-blown mental health crisis and I felt it was either that or quit my job. I'm an expat in a foreign country, so quitting my job would have also meant going home, and I just felt that would have been more disruption than I could handle.
Its a shame because I really enjoy learning, and the masters (stressful as it was) was a huge source of achievement and stimulation for me. I'd also stopped exercising around the time I had my crisis. In the past (we're talking 2-3 years ago) I used to be heavily into weight lifting. We're talking competitions and all. And I know that regular physical training is a huge mood-booster. But although I've tried to keep up a regular routine here I find it hard to stay motivated without concrete training goals to work towards.
As for triggers, I have definitely identified a few big ones, but I'd better give you some background first. About 6 months ago my girlfriend at the time basically left me for another man. We had been dating one and a half years and had recently moved countries together. I was pretty devastated but for the first 2-3 months I would have still described myself as "grieving" and not "depressed". It was only around say, January, that I started to notice symptoms of textbook depression: feelings of worthlessness, lack of hope for the future, suicidal ideation etc. It actually took me a while to realise what was happening, since I'd always been somewhat on the optimistic side and had never felt like this before.
Although I would consider myself as 90% moved on from the breakup, thinking about her and "what could have been" is still a definite trigger for me. I think a big part of that stems from the fact that I had shamelessly taken her for granted for much of the relationship. I still cringe when I think about some of the things I said and did.
In fact, romantic rejection in general seems to be a major trigger. I've dated quite a lot over the past 6 months but nothing has really "stuck", and every little rejection (girl loses interest after first date, girl stops returning my calls) leads me to end up feeling worthless, like I'll never find someone else, and that I'm somehow fundamentally unattractive. Massive overreaction I know.
My job is also a significant trigger. I'm a teacher, which is a tough job at the best of times. But I'm also currently teaching a subject that is fairly new to me, in a school with a lot of difficult kids. I'm also in the midst of a gradual career change (hence the masters degree). These things together have sapped my confidence to the point where I sometimes feel like I have no idea what I'm doing, that I'm letting my students down, and that I'm somehow just not "cut out" for it.
Anyway, if you've made it this far I commend you. I've actually been feeling significantly better the last few days, so hopefully that trend continues.
Looking forward to your feedback,
- Richard
