first i have never "posted" or "Blogged" before so it is a bit strange to me.
apparently i have been "this way" for many years but always refused to accept what was actually happening to me until i watched a video from the world health organization called i have a big black dog and his name is depression.
my world finally came crashing down 2 months ago as all the preparations i had made to ensure my family was cared for seem to come undone--devine intervention i guess.
i had been thinking on a daily basis over and over and over again for 2 years how i could stop this demon inside me without hurting anyone else in the process and making sure my family would be looked after and the reason for my passing would be accidental to further protect them.
then one night at work i had a confrontation with a subordinate and it seemed like someone turned a switch off.
i had never been in a darker place than this. i watched the video and crawlled into a hole for a few days then i did something i thought i would never do i reached out by telling the many friends and family who i really was.
society and my own fears had pushed my illness into the closet never to be revealed.
you see i was the "guy" first to call if you needed help first to call if there was a gathering ironically i have been the best man in six weddings and mced many other events. i should have won a tony for i was the best at pretending to be someone i wasn't with the help of alcohol and a smooth tongue
being viewed as the mans man pushed my illness deeper and deeper until there seemed to be no escape. five or six beers didn't work anymore just made things worse--snapping at my wife alienateing friends not going to social and family functions not even going outside to do the things i used to love.
i thought people would think wow he can't be depressed he's got everything extravagant home, beautiful and loving wife and children, great paying job, abundance of friends, recreational property to die for why is he depressed. --well i didn't know either.
how can someone with so much seem to think he has nothing left.
what started me back from the huge shadow of the big black dog was by being told by ALL my friends and family it wasn't a weakness to tell my secret but a strength this did give me hope and i started to change how i thought and behaved.
one of my biggest concerns was losing my job and not being able to look after my family being old school like i am!
but when i spoke to my manager i was amazed how he gave me full support and assured me he wanted me back and to take the time i needed to understand and work through this disease. ironically he also had a family member that suuffers from depression so he understood what i was goping through. and to my amazement to make it even better when we were done i went to shake his hand to thank him he gave me a hug instead--you don't know this guy but touchy feely he is not kind of blew me away.
so i have started to accept the things i can't change and working on the things i can
keep your stick on the ice
rick
so i am on the first lessen and i know dark days will come but if i have more days like today life will be great.
