Hello everyone,
So life has been a bit rough lately. More so than usual.
I have always struggled with anxiety and depression, since my late teen years. It started after my boyfriend passed away while I was 6 months pregnant. I never really dealt with it, just dived into motherhood, going to university and generally getting my adult life going. The anxiety and depression would come and go. I have usually managed it with food, rest, stress-reduction, talking about what is going on, etc.
The feelings that come with anxiety and depression snuck back up on me at the end of November, and have been a lot harder to manage this time around. It is the usual shopping list of symptoms: insomnia, negative thoughts, irrational fears, feeling hopeless, unmotivated, focusing on the past, not eating and so on. These feelings are not new to me. What is new is my inability to cope as well as I usually can. What is also new is how quick and darkly these feelings came on.
I have been able to connect to my family doctor fairly quickly and he recognized that things were definitely not going good for me. We are trying out some different medications to help with the sleep and the anxiety attacks. I am also looking at setting up counseling and hope to have something in place very soon. I have been connecting with a spiritual person more recently for spiritual support too. I am trying hard to find ways to get to feeling okay again.
My stress definitely did increase over the last few months and I can see how I ignored some of the warning signs until it was too late. I started a new (and what has turned out to be a very stressful) job in the summer, went back to school to start my Master's degree, and have been supporting my 20 year old son who is facing some tough times right now. Coupled with some new worries that came up over the holidays (a leaky roof and knowing I will have to replace it in the spring- while hoping it doesn't get too worse before the snow melts)... I feel very overwhelmed right now.
I got through the day with less moments of panic than yesterday, and way less than the last few weeks. I had a few moments too when my smiles felt real, not just forced because I need to be pleasant at work. I even had a few thoughts where I could see ways I am very fortunate to have what I have and who I have to support me. After 4ish weeks of relentless worry, fear, panic and overwhelming despair today definitely felt a bit lighter to be in.
The anxiety is still there, it crept in super easy and fast at times today. I had to be very mindful of it. That is a struggle. I am feeling very 'me-focused' right now, which is not usual for me, and which is why I probably struggle the way I do- I am good at taking care of others, more so than myself. My friends are great, they are connecting, checking in with me, listening when I need to talk. I just don't feel like I am giving a lot back right now. I know that is okay too, I have given a lot over the years and friendship is about sharing and holding one another up. Easy to say, harder to remember.
Struggling with being tired. That is what first highlighted what was going on for me- insomnia. After 6 weeks that really hasn't changed much. Medication is helping me sleep, not as good of a sleep as I need to be getting but it is some sleep. My work place has been super supportive too. I have the option to come in later while I adjust to my new medications. So I can get my daughter up and out the door for her day and lay down for another hour if I need it before I have to head to work. It is a blessing to be so supported right now. The constant tiredness is draining, and then I worry I am not giving the best of myself right now or that my lateness is a burden which causes me to worry and then I loop back into anxiety. I can see that easier today. I may not always be able to see it as easy and it may get the best of me sometimes, but for today I am glad I could see it.
Wow I had a lot more to say than I thought. So that is me... a little stressed and long-winded
Thanks for reading this :)
