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10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 40

Hi m, and Ashley,

It's a long weekend here, and so three days off....I spent the first two sleeping on the couch...not very productive eh. I've been doing the fast food drive thru for food, and basically wallowing.

m, I like your metaphor and I see it as a darkness that overcomes me. Something stupid like a comment my boss made to me about my kitty being 12 and only having about 6 years of life left has made me feel so sad. I don't necessarily believe what she said, but it made me think about something I don't want to think about. As for my visit to see my folks, it was good for the most part, my Mom is not well and she is in pain all the time and sleeps a lot, and that is really hard to see. But I was positive for the most part.

I guess when I think about the future I have a really hard time seeing anything positive in it. All I can see is losing the most precious beings in my life. How am I supposed to be positive about that? I try to take it day by day, and I find that not thinking about the future is the only way to keep going.

I use my journals as well, and have found that going back to a difficult period and seeing how I was thinking at the time and then how I think about the situation now is really helpful. Breakups that I thought I would never get over, but eventually did and was happier in the end...stuff like that.

m, I'm glad you are feeling better.

Laura

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11214

Lots of nice metaphors in there!

When you are able to use the ladder and get out of the darkness what's different? What allows you to break free of the paralysis?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Ashley,

I see the shift, at it's core, as being about the yearning to live v. the yearning to die. It's like I'm perched upon this fence (numbness/paralysis?) and don't know how to get off one way or the other. It's all left up to forces out of my control. I know there will continue to be storms with high winds that will push me off. Could go either way. I can't guarantee that I will always be able to land on solid ground... on my feet... balance intact. In fact, I'm pretty sure I will drop back into the abyss of depression from time to time.

However, I also trust that I will continue to get back up and out of that darkness. Maybe, it will get easier and maybe... eventually... feeling hopeful about life in general will become the norm. If I stay mindful about the risk and journal about what works when I do get out, I can see that future falls might not be so shocking nor so debilitating. The paralysis will not last as long. Maybe I will even remember where the ladder is and what the steps are to get back on solid ground.

How's that for complex metaphor?... I never can do things the easy way...

That's ok. Progress is being made anyway.

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11214

Well, I'm not an expert on Narrative Therapy. I just started learning about it now but I think journal writing might do the trick. You could post your thoughts here and in your blog and we could help you draw out the meaning.

Sounds like what the nurse did was exactly like narrative therapy if the end result was that you saw how you percievered and that you see the depression as something outside yourself that you are in a battle with it. Some people use metaphor when referring to their depression. For example, Churchill would call his depression the black dog that followed him. Sometimes he would win against it and sometimes he would lose. The key is he kept trying. When you are ready journal about the times you did overcome the depression and find the skills and strengths you used to overcome it at that moment. And when I say overcome I mean just have a little bit better day then the average.You could give it a shot and report back. I woud love to hear about your experience.

How very profound! What has this new shift in perspective given you? How do you ensure you will hang on to it?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Oh and a few years ago I set out to transcribe all my journals into my life story. I got about half way through and it was just too sad and heartbreaking for me to continue. I just felt like it was counterproductive to go over all that stuff... put it together into one place. Typing it out prevented my from skipping over the hard parts. Typing it out, I kept thinking that if I could talk to my younger self... I'd tell her to just hang it up because it doesn't get any better ever.

Even though I'm in a low spot now, I do feel differently about that conclusion. I think I would tell her that it is going to be a long, hard road so she should take things a little more easily... give up the perfectionism... quit trying to be the best mom, the best wife, the best daughter.... I would tell her that at any instance... her best effort would always be good enough and sometimes way more than anyone else could do. Be kind. Be gentle. Rest more. Let go of the guilt. Let your light shine!

Oh how corny and very, very profound. What a shift in perspective in just a few years.

Them there's my thoughts on that... kinda scared now for writing it. Something terrible is going to happen now... guaranteed. Oh wait... that's a negative core belief /assumption that is not true and I know that from experience. The sky doesn't always fall on my head when I come to believe something positive about myself.

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Hmmm... narrative therapy. Would journal writing fall into that category? I have a trunk full of journals. I feel like psychotherapy could be construed as narrative as well. Or is it something different?

Come to think of it, my intake interview with the nurse practitioner could be construed as narrative therapy. I had to give her my history and in doing so I realized just how much shtuff I've been through and overcome. Even though I was there for help cuz I'm feeling out of kilter... I still came away feeling pretty good about myself... I certainly saw how persevering I've been working toward health and safety... both for me and my family... even when I felt hopeless and alone.

Definitely agree that I have more cognitive distortions to recognize and deal with. The hardest part for me is identifying what they are. Once I do that... it is pretty easy to challenge the negative beliefs and replace them with proof positive that I'm not such a total ... um ... "mess."

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11214

Hi ~m,

The core beliefs session can be tough. I'm learning a bit about narrative therapy now and I was thinking it might help you to write out your story with depression. We find meaning when we talk about the events of our lives. It may also be helpful for you to pin point cognitive distortions and see where there is some room for some healthier core beliefs. What are your thoughts on this?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Thank you for the response Ashley and the assurance that Health Educators are still checking in. It helps to know the schedule... that way we can understand when there is a delay in response to questions or need for encouragement.

As for what's next... I am finding a need to work through Session 8 on core beliefs. It's been helpful. One negative core belief is that if I get depressed then I have lost everything and have to start over from the very beginning. I was able to challenge the assumption that depression = failure = uselessness. Have seriously changed my beliefs about that and it feels good. There is another negative core belief that needs work so I am doing the worksheets. It's all kind of fuzzy still. Not much clarity.

I am wondering where others are in working through the program. Any questions... insights... confusion? Remember to give yourself rewards for your efforts. Just signing up to be a member is a big step. What comes next for you?

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11214

Hi Ladies,

Sorry for the late reply. We have Health Educators online Monday and Friday nights and on the weekend. We will be sure to respond when we are online!

I am glad you are all messaging. You know it only takes a few regular posters to really get the group going. I personally would Looooove to see more members in here posting.

How are you doing now ~m? What's coming up for you today?

Hi again Laura! Nice to see you posting.

Hi Red, we're always here if you need us.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)