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The Connection Between Love and Wellness

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 223

~m,

My thoughts are with you today.

You ask why I downplay the value of my thoughts. I am a serial apologiser. My therapist pointed out how often I apologise. I really hadn't noticed it before, but he challenged me to go a whole one hour session with him without doing so. It was very difficult, choking off the words that kept rising automatically. But I feel uncomfortable taking anybody's time and attention, as if I have no right, no entitlement, to do so. My thoughts and opinions, just because they are mine, seem to me to be of less validity or weight than other people's.

I was raised to believe that modesty is a great virtue, but I suspect I took that much too much to heart, and I have little confidence in anything I do.

Which leads to a big core belief of mine, which is:

"I am the kind of person that will never excel at anything. The best I can achieve is a superficial adequacy".

Hmmm. That rings very true, seeing it in black and white on my screen. I enter any endeavour expecting failure, or at the best survival, and I will choose to fail on my own terms rather than make myself visible by seeking success.

Swinging wildly off-topic here, but 'tis good to have a conversation like this. I agree that it would be good if more members wished to post on these forums but, then, the forums are why I'm here. I'm not working the program in any sort of systematic way, though I believe I've learnt some stuff.

It's the middle of the night here in London. I must go to bed. Busy day tomorrow, taking my son to the doctor with an injured toe and changing my old Mum's locks (she's lost her door keys, but she is 90 so I can forgive her that!)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Hi Ashley,

Thanks for asking how I am this day. It is a bittersweet day, as M would have turned 33 years old today if he hadn't lost his life in Iraq. So today we are sad he is not home with us here (or nearby) and will never be again. Nevertheless it is sweet to remember the life he led, the friends, and passions he had. It's been five years now and while we always are feeling the loss... overall we are doing better this year in managing the mixed feelings his birthday brings.

So that's my day today. It's nice to be here again. I do hope other members, new and old , will begin posting more. I sure could use the support. Depression can leave one feeling awfully lonely and disconnected. I'm glad you reminded me that I don't have to do this on my own.

Thank you Pete for your post... for acknowledging me and reminding me of my own strength. In my opinion, your post was not in the least pretentious and was/is very much worth the read. Why do you so often need to downplay/dismiss the value and wisdom of your thoughts? I do it too, but wonder what the purpose might be...

Ashley will probably bring up core beliefs again. Are we allowed to make bets on that?

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11216

So nice to read from both of you.

~m, I am so glad you posted. Never feel that you have to go through this alone. We are always here to help you through it in the most honest way we can. I am very happy to hear this thread helped you. The support group has been pretty slow lately it would be great if we could get more activity in here and have more opportunity to honestly discuss many different topics. Hopefully some members well feel comfortable enough to post with us soon.

How are you feeling today?

Hi Pete,

Take as much time that you need. I look forward to reading more on this topic. I think we have already uncovered so much, thanks again for always posting with such honesty.

Also, thank you so much for letting me know I have helped. That makes me feel very good.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 223

Ashley, ~m:

Thank you. I felt embarrassed after I posted the below, and wished I hadn't. I feel a bit better now about putting myself out there in such a naked way.

I agree, Ashley, with a lot of what you say. Certainly I have a tendency to 'black and white' thinking and to harsh judgements of myself and others. But I need to digest your wise words for a while before I respond properly.

~m - thanks, as always, for your kind words. You know and I know that you'll never 'give up and give in'. We've been exchanging thoughts long enough now that I am certain you're just too strong for that, but I'm glad if what I wrote has been worth your while to read. Maybe it wasn't as indulgent and pretentious as I feared.

And yes, Ashley, I have 'lost myself' on several levels. In a way, my whole experience with depression has been a process of rediscovery and redefinition, a stripping down, finding what is and what isn't true to me, and seeking a way forward which is more honest, more authentic. It's a work in progress, long ways to go, but it is in progress, and I'd like you to know that you have been a great help, especially when I've used this forum to to vent some very negative, angry and destructive feelings.

Ha! This was to be a brief reply

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

um, well... i hit reply but I don't really have a reply except to say it just felt like a breath of fresh air just ran through the forums. Someone telling it like it really is with such skill and credulity. Thank you Pete, and thank you Ashley.... beautifully written, important, thought provoking. Just when I'm ready to give up and give in... you bring me back.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11216

Hi Pete,

Thank you for taking the time to articulate what you were thinking. I was able to follow without a problem.

You have such a beautiful and insightful way of writing, I always find myself wanting to write so much in response to you. So forgive me if I garble as well...

I want to point out that it does sound like there is a little black and white thinking in what you say; you have to change your entire personality or except yourself completely. Does it really have to be this way?

Having that core feeling that you trust and love yourself no matter what is very important, even essential to a healthy mind. Loving all the "material" things as you describe is not as nearly as important. However, I do believe the material representation (in this case I mean your actions and not your appearance) are important to your overall self worth. For example, if you feel the core you is a kind, considerate person but you act like a jerk (for whatever reason – there is always a reason) most of the time you could see how this would be a very hard place to be in. In this case, I think it would be important to figure out why you are unable to act according to your core values and then devise a plan to change the behaviour. With that said, it is also very important to have forgiveness with yourself. We are all here to learn. We all make mistakes and that is just a part of learning and growing.

There is nothing wrong with finding elements about yourself that you don't like and then working on them step by step. Just be sure that how you are evaluating yourself based on what YOU really value and not on what society, your coworkers or anybody else thinks. You are a very unique person Pete so please don't try to fit yourself in any mold. It won't work and thank goodness for that! Also, ensure that your values or core beliefs are healthy and well developed. I am sure you already know about healthy core beliefs so I won't go into much detail about that.

One last thing, I know you are a writer Pete and what I know about writers is they often have hidden meanings in that they write. With that in mind one statement jumped out to me when you are talking about losing your train of thought. You said, "I think I have lost myself." Wow, looking at that statement on its own really gave me goose bumps. Am I reading too much into it or is there something there? If so, it sounds like you are well on your way to rediscovering yourself. Just be sure you don't get stuck in cognitive distortions or “shoulds” along that way.

What do you think?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 223

Hi, Ashley. Thanks for your response.So here's my answer. It's probably rather garbled and inarticulate, so I hope you can follow my train of thought.

As you asked, I have been giving this some thought. Taking a broad view, I would say that nobody is perfect, everybody has parts of themselves that do them little credit, everybody has secrets and regrets, areas of weakness.....but, everybody is deserving of love and everybody has good points too. The right to love is not dependent on character anyway.

That's a broad view. Things get a tad more sticky when I try and narrow that down to myself. I can't see inside other people's thoughts and feelings, so I am just assuming that what I said above is true. But I know, and intimately too, my own imperfections, they loom large and I hate them, and try as I might I can't truly believe that I am not just that bit sordid, that bit despicable, compared with the bulk of humanity. If I knew another person, and I knew about them all that I know about myself, I would find them hard to love too.

I feel as if I have a choice between impossibilities - change my personality, my whole inner landscape, to what I'd like it to be, or forgive myself my flaws and love myself regardless.

Now, as you remarked, I've come a long way. The above notwithstanding, I'm not presently convulsed with self-hate, and I'm doing okay. I'm not self-destructive, but that's because I know that my spirit, mind and body are all I shall ever have, there's no choosing a new manifestation, I have to make the best of it. The way I see (better say 'feel') myself - my self - is that my soul, essence or whatever (that which is quintessentially me), is not my body, not my personality, not my acts or omissions, not my regrets and poor decisions, but it is inextricably linked to these things, these aspects are how I exist materially, but I am truly and deep down independent of all that. I'm just unlucky that I've been granted a body that makes me cringe when I see my reflection, and a mind/personality that I feel doesn't do me justice.

I've gone all around the houses and most likely lost you here - I think I've lost myself. I think my answer is that I do love myself, the myself right deep down inside here, but I despise the material and mental manifestations in which that self is trapped. But I'm good, you know, I'm doing fine, it's not as if I think about this stuff all the time, but that's my view.

I haven't actually answered your question. Would I say all this to a friend? I have to guess, because I don't have friends (no tragedy, my choice). Possibly I'd say my first paragraph, the 'nobody's perfect' bit, though it sounds like a string of platitudes.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11216

Hi Pete,

How would you answer this question for a friend? Really think about it and post your thoughts here. Even if you have to make something up just answer the question thoughtfully and don't get stuck on "I don't know".

You have been doing fantastic. Your strength and courage through all you have had to go through is inspiring. I would like to hear how you think you would solve this for yourself. I think you are a lot more resourceful and worthy then you allow yourself to see. Remember that there are negative core beliefs colouring your view of yourself now. From what I can see you are very worthy. You have had a very difficult time with depression but you are still fighting and have come so far. You always give fantastic, even poetic insights to others. You deserve to be as kind to yourself as you are to others. I think you deserve a little unconditional self love at this point.

If you still need some help to work on this question the program specifically sessions 8 and 9 should help. These sessions focus on changing your negative core beliefs to more positive core beliefs.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 223

This is true, but I struggle with loving myself.

How can I move from self-contempt to self-love, when I can't see too much in here that's worthy of it?

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 218

Have you ever thought of how an improved love for oneself can improve your overall health and wellness?
Well it can.

To love yourself is to love everything about one's emotionality, spirituality, intelligence, and your physical self.

As you begin to love yourself you will become more aware of how your surroundings and certain situations effect you.
You will also become more accepting of yourself which is helpful when starting towards any goal on your path to wellness.

This is just one of many views of how respect and love for oneself can lead to better health and wellness.

What has "loving" oneself done for you?

Stories and thoughts are welcome.

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The Connection Between Love and Wellness