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The Connection Between Love and Wellness

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11214

Hi ~m,

Sounds like you know exactly what to do.

You are right, once you challenge your core beliefs it will be easier to stop the knee jerk reaction. You can also try to be more conscious of the thoughts running through your head when someone does compliment you. Stop yourself and question the validity of those thoughts. The more you stop yourself and try to change the thoughts the easier it will become.

You're getting pretty good at this CBT stuff ~m!

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Ashley, it is interesting how I can't really take in the positive remarks you have made about me "mattering". It really isn't so much about what other people think or whether or not they appreciate what I do or understand who I am. (Although the kind words are much appreciated!) I'm thinking the next step is two-fold... one is just that I need to convince myself that I'm worthy of ??? living/breathing/being. Convince myself that I matter. I can do that by using the CBT methods of questioning and looking for evidence. I'm doing better with looking the negative beliefs in the eye, so to speak, and challenging the validity of those beliefs. They don't stand up to the questioning.

The other thing I need to learn to do is be more accepting of what other people have to give to me. I want to be able to receive/absorb what other people offer to me. I don't want to dismiss/deflect compliments or help or positive observations. I'm not sure how to change the knee jerk reaction to discount whatever positive comes my way. Perhaps that will come once I've successfully challenged my negative core beliefs.

still working on it.......

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11214

Hi ~m,

Green smoothies may sound "interesting" but I swear they taste good.

You do matter very much ~m. I don't know you yet I look forward to your posts. I always learn something from reading them and always think you are very intelligent, insightful and kind. I am always so confused why you can't see these things yourself. You do matter very much to me yet I have never even meet you! I can only imagine the impact you would make on others you have met and feel comfortable around. And I NEVER say anything I don't mean on here so please don't think I am just being nice.

In any case, others opinions really don't matter; hundreds of artists, scientists and so forth did not matter when they were living because people did not want to or could not see all the good they had to offer. Now these people who once didn't matter shape the way we look at the world. Really shows how others opinions don't matter! With that all said I think everyone knows the feeling of being over looked and not mattering to different degrees. It does suck there is no getting around it. Are you now trying so hard to shelter other people from the invisible feeling you felt? Are you now trying to make other people feel like they matter by always helping them even if it takes away all your energy? It sounds like something you would do - you are so kind and sensitive to others. This is really a gift - we need more people like you in the world - but again it should feed you and not deplete you. If you could find that balance you would be unstoppable. You know what also? If you did kind that balance I have a feeling other people who start recognizing all that you do and respect it more. Sometimes when we give too much people take it for granted.

Now where are you at? What do you think?

One last thing - Say it out loud - I do matter very, very much!!!

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

What is running through my mind right now? Kind of a jumble...

How "interesting" green smoothies sound...

I don't feel scolded in the least... I feel understood. To be understood is the most important thing to me. To be understood and to understand.

Hearing that there is nothing wrong with getting value from helping others is an eye-opener. I like the way you put that. I feel invited to honor the desire and see the value in not trashing myself for it. If caring about others is not a negative thing... then what about caring and giving is so draining and, more importantly what about it is creating so much shame? Taking it all down another level, I can see that the real problem (the real negative core belief) is the feeling that I don't matter. I think the shame comes in from my wanting to matter but I don't think I should want or need that.

A flood of memories have started of all the times I so desperately wanted to matter. Memories of how often I was dismissed in an off-handed way. How often I desperately wanted to matter... wanted to make a difference, only to be not even seen or recognized. How often I felt invisible and how painful that was... is.

Which then leads to the whole confusion about wanting to be seen v. wanting to be invisible. But that's another (though related) issue for another time.

Challenging the I don't matter belief is actually pretty easy now that I understand what it is. Logically, I do matter. I matter to my husband, and children and grandchildren. I do believe I matter to God, my critters, the local vendors to whom I give my business... the ripples get larger if I dare look at them.

What's running through my head RIGHT NOW?

A big ole headache that's what.

Until next time........

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11214

Hi ~m,

Thank you for your honesty and courage to really face this. I was wincing as I was reading your post. How hard feeling like this must be for you. How can you ever feel satisfied, accomplished or even good? Not fair! You are setting yourself up to fail and you do not deserve that. You are such a kind, considerate person I can see how you could get stuck in putting others needs first. But when you do something nice for someone you deserve to do it on your terms and feel good and positive about it - not obligated. From what I have seen from you, you are a very compassionate person who deeply cares for others - but you are robbing yourself of the positive connection by throwing this duty on yourself.

There is nothing wrong with getting value from helping others - in fact it is very honourable and fulfilling. BUT don't ever let it take away from your own well being. That helps no one. It sounds a bit like I am scolding you now! Not intentional, I just really want to take a stand for you right now!

Great, great work making your way through this. Just spending so much time examining this belief is a huge first step to getting rid of it. It sounds like you are already naturally challenge the logic of the belief. It will take some more work but you have already completed the hard part.

Don't beat yourself up about having these beliefs. It is not pathetic or dumb. It is a belief that you put on yourself due to your caring nature - the belief is no longer working for you so you are going to change it. But it's not pathetic nor are you. You are strong! Very proud of you for facing this BIG, nasty core belief - I think it's appropriate that it came out in big font

So, what's running through your head right now?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Oh great... it all had to come out in giant font.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Hi Vincenza. I'm doing well. Thank you for asking & checking in... it's nice to hear from you :o).

Working on core beliefs, I think I have a basic core belief that is similar to Pete's, or sort of on the same theme... possibly. It has been a struggle to bring it down to one or two sentences. Mine goes something like this:

I will never excel at anything, nor should I ever want or try to excel or "be successful" ... because I am always and only a "support staff" person.

My whole purpose is to make everyone else's life easier.

This belief has meant that I must always be on the alert in order to anticipate and react to other people's needs, wants, and plans. That's pretty exhausting... especially when I've not done a very good job of it. God forbid that I would EVER be selfish enough to put any energies toward myself.

The only time I allow myself to address my own needs is when I am in crisis... only when I can longer function... only when I fall exhausted into the abyss of depression and/or addiction will I turn my attention toward myself.

Should I dare take time for myself when I am not in crisis, I will be punished. I will pay a price. If it isn't automatically forthcoming, I will feel compelled to carry out that edict myself.

That is just so.... dumb/pathetic/sad/stupid/pointless/wasteful/crazy!

Well, at least I got the basic belief down to a few paragraphs after pages and pages and pages of writing. And have kind of figured out that I really don't want to function that way anymore. Not that I won't continue to give to and support others... but I want to do it from out of a more positive, balanced place...

tis all i got fur now.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1853

Hi ~m,

I'm glad to hear you are taking the time to process and reflect on your response to questions posed by Pete & Ashley. Mostly, I wanted to write and say hello since it's been awhile. I hope you are keeping well in light of the emotional week.

Thinking of you,

Vincenza, Health Educator

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Today, I am frustrated. I have tried to reply to this thread and have twice been kicked off because I'm taking too long to write out my thoughts. Argh. This is a tough subject. It is taking a lot of time to process. I am touched and motivated by what has been written, asked, and shared thus far. Just writing to say... I'm working on my reply. I'm working on it.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11214

Hi ~m,

Thank you for sharing about M. My heart goes out to you and your family. Being able to celebrate the positives as you did yesterday takes a lot of strength. Know again that if you want to talk about this more in depth we are here to listen.

Phew, Pete brought up core beliefs so I didn't have to

Having that core belief pin pointed is the first step to challenging it. How do you want to challenge it? What new belief would be closer to the authentic you? If you were able to change it what would that change?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

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