sweets,
It is a good discussion topic but I come from a different angle. My depression started in 04. I was single. I stayed that way and you as a person with depression can understand why. I was lacking in motivation to get out of bed needless to say to pursue anything else. I'd had to retire from my employment and I wasn't "able" to enter into a relationship. When I finally did get out slowly but surely I met this man (2009) and we were attracted to each other, after a few dates, we decided to step things up a notch. I told him about my depression, my daily struggles, my self-esteem issues, my vulnerabilities as a whole. I asked him if we decided to continue on that we would openly communicate and he assured me I could and should tell him how I am feeling. At first I thought what have I gotten myself into. I can't even participate in my own life actively (the way I did pre-depression) and here I am trying to have a relationship. I said this to him and he was like whoa, you must be having a hard time. There is no reason you can't be in a relationship with me and have Major Depression. I think I got lucky.
There have been a couple of times when communication has been shut down. But I have to agree with Ashley that communication is the key.
The times we did shut down (I went to my corner and he went to his) both harboring ill feelings, etc. It blew up. I talked to my therapist about it. He suggested we discuss how we felt about that situation via e-mail, then sit down and discuss the issues face to face that resulted in that "shut down". Neither of us could use "you" statements.
In other words, I had to say things like, I felt hurt when this happened. I felt confused when that happened, etc. And he had to do the same thing even though his feelings and or the event was maybe not the same that led to my feelings. We did the exercise the therapist suggested - the e-mail and then face-to-face. It really helped and we are more readily able to discuss things as they occur and not wait until it gets to where we both retreat. I think putting it in writing was painstaking to make sure I didn't say things like "when you did this, it made me mad". In stead "I said I felt angry because it sounded as if you were dismissing my opinion". We both agreed up front we didn't want a long term relationship and here we are after almost two years not discussing our feelings, but I'm not ready to go there and say things, make a commitment emotionally, the most I do is say "I miss you". He reciprocates. IF he asked me to express how I feel, I'd have to practice, just as I did in writing my feelings about our blow ups or when we fail to communicate.
I don't know this is all going to show up in one post. Please feel free to ask me questions about this technique. It definitely helped our ability to communicate and btw, we were allowed to have notes when we discussed it face-to-face. Especially me, since my depression effects my memory.
I sure hope you find techniques that work for you. And remember don't blame each other. We each have to assume responsibility for our own part of the relationship, failure to communicate and meeting each others needs.
I don't know if this makes any sense or not. I know writing it down helped us both when open communication failed, then having to go over the same thing verbally face-to-face and state how we feel has helped us more easily express how we feel. We also recognize early when there is a break down in communication and it doesn't get that far.
