I kind of know the feeling regarding self-medicating. I self-medicated myself for decades with alcohol, caffeine and weed. These drugs are in no way comparable to meth (although alcohol comes close it), but the principle of self-medication to battle depression is the same.
I found a PDoc who helped me battling the depression. Recently we found a cocktail of medication that seems to be working for me. The depression disappeared, the mood swings subsided and the urge to drink alcohol, smoke weed or even to drink coffee was gone. I still have a glass once in while and a cup coffee, but it does not feel as a necessity anymore.
Since the cocktail I also encountered a large range of emotions I never had before. I can now be a little sad or a little happy. It is challenging and exhilarating at the same time. I feel like I'm starting to live again instead of solely existing. Just like you I was hesitant to leave to comfort of my known existence of depression (especially since I could flip to manic side), but now I can honestly say it was the best decision in my life.
Thank you for your feedback in the thread "Core Belief Number One". You've posted some really important questions for self-reflection. I'm curious as to how you would answer them for yourself?
My recommendation is to fight the addiction monster first. Work on weaning yourself off of Meth. You will need the help of a health care practitioner to do so. Meth may give you the euphoria you seek, but it is short lived. There are so many negative consequences to your health -both short-term and long-term that I would hate to see you experience.
What aspects helped overcome your addiction in rehab? What similar tools can you use to help you at this point in your life?
It sounds like part of your identity is intertwined with depression and anger. Work on determining where these core beliefs stem from. Use the resources available under the 'toolbox' section to help you challenge these beliefs. It will help you in the right direction, to re-frame your state of mind. Begin by telling yourself that you will not be a user.
What other things in life bring you happiness? Joy?
Talk about a huge set back. I have been depressed most of my life, since I hit puberty, and in my attemp to "feel better" I caught myself another little problem called addiction.
Well long story short, my boyfriend and I moved 300 miles away from our home after going to rehab and cleaning up. Then depression rears its ugly head and starts kicking me down. For the most part I have things undercontrol but I do still use. And recently Ive been feeling the only way to get back to normal - or at least have a few hours of normalcy - is to do meth. Which I know in the long run DOES NOT help, but I just cant take it any longer.
How am I supposed to fight two monsters my entrie life? Somewhere deep down I know drugs wont help, but once that craving starts, I give in. And in the past week my boy and I havnt had a single fight. Why is it that I can only be happy and enjoyable when I'm on an amphetamine type substance?
I know what I have to do, but Im scared. I dont want to let go of my depression and anger because thats all Ive known my whole life. But clearly I am not happy. I dont know what to do any more, and Im starting to think Ill be a user (even if its just occasional) for the rest of my life. :(
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