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12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 223

Oh, Ashley!

Articulate...caring...good listener...intelligent...sensitive...insightful.....even talented and creative....

Everyone tells me I am all these things and more. Surely the ingredients for a successful and fulfilling life. So, I ask myself over and over, what's missing? The plain and nasty fact is that I don't have any friends to speak of, and just wouldn't know what to do with a close friend any more, and reconnecting with people who used to be friends carries levels of uncertainty and fakery that I just couldn't cope with.

I'm not the same young man I was when I knew Nicola and Ivan, and they are probably not the same. I would anticipate the encounter being guarded, awkward. I can't imagine how it would be a rewarding experience. Such encounters obviously involve a lot of talking and, no matter how articulate I may be on the written page, I hate talking socially, never have anything to say, feel stupid and boring. But we're straying here into my social anxiety, and I won't open that can of worms here.

It's sad, and troubles me so much, because 'normal' people appear to have ongoing friends, meet old and new friends, chat and interact so naturally and with pleasure, whereas for me it's traumatic and painful and carries no joy. And I do not understand what's wrong, what's missing in me, why I fear other people so much.

You ask me what kind of friend I would like to be. I just don't know. I look back on such friendships as I have had, and I have always been a leech, a hanger-on, a peripheral 'little friend'. That's reasonable. I can't expect other people to value me when I don't value myself.

But I have a family who accept me, thank the Lord. Without them I would be totally alone.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11215

You're not a bore at all Pete. You are very articulate and your and caring nature really shines through even when you are clearly feeling upset about this issue. I personally feel disappointed that you will not give yourself this gift of reconnecting with old friends. However I am not placing any judgement on you for not doing so. I am sure many can relate to what you have to say.

When I think about my closest relationships what a I remember is how they made me feel, the people they were and not what they had achieved or what they had done. To be honest those over achieving friends who continually bragged about all their accomplishments, travels, etc. I found pretty boring! Honestly from the little bit I know about you I am sure anyone would really enjoy a friendship with the authentic, insightful person you are!

Do not know how to make friends? I would like you to challenge that negative thought. You clearly are very capable of expressing yourself and I have a hunch you are a pretty awesome listener as well. Those two qualities make the best friends! But what kind of friend would you want to be? Hypothetically, if you were to meet them what would have to happen in order for you to find it was a fruitful and fulfilling experience?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 223

Hi Ashley

This issue does seem trivial, but it does feel important to me, for a few reasons.

I've always looked back on my years at university as my 'golden years', when I was the happiest I have ever been. Why's that? I think it's because it's the only time in my life that I have been surrounded by friends. So the memory of those times with those people have been precious to me.

As time went by and we all emerged into the real, hard, world we all lost touch bit by bit. And I've always thought 'Wouldn't it be lovely to see those people again?'

Well, I had a disillusioning bit of email contact a couple of years back with my very best friend from my student days. We exchanged news, and he was very patronising, referring to me as having been his 'little friend' Little friend! can you imagine how hurtful that was? This guy had been my best friend of all, ever in my life, I'd held my memories of the good times with him close, and all the time he'd just thought of me as his 'little friend'............Well, I immediately stopped contact and refused his suggestion to meet up for a coffee and a chat one day.

Back to Nicola. After all these years, what I hoped for has come to pass and we've got back in contact. And now I am just too ashamed of myself to go through with it. I don't want her or Ivan to see me as I am, worn-down and old before my time.

I despise myself for this weakness, this confusion. For all I know, Nic and Ivan could be in a worse state than me. I'm just assuming that they are successful and happy. And this is a chance to remake a friend, but I just don't know how to make friends any more.

Sorry, Ashley, I'm such a bore.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11215

Hi Pete,

If you feel this is the best choice for you then I encourage you to stick with it. It does sound like there is some unresolved feelings about this choice however; otherwise we wouldn't be discussing it now. What do you think is the underlying issue here? Ideally what would you want to transpire? What is important about this whole issue?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 223

Hi Vincenza

I know I shouldn't let my unhappiness take over my life in this way, but I just can't face the whole catching-up thing. Talking about my life, what I have and haven't done, I just can't bear the idea of going over all that and putting a happy face on it. I'm content, in a way, just to know that Nicola (name changed) is still alive and well. I should leave it at that. I know that if I change my mind and go ahead, I'll stress about the meeting beforehand and probably find some lie to get out of it on the day it's due to happen.

There is a slight soap opera spin to this as well. At university, I carried a bit of a torch for Nicola, but it was me that introduced her to Ivan (name also changed). I knew them both separately, and brought them together. They fell for each other, married, and are still together. She made the right choice - he's a successful businessman and an all-round nice guy. I have always really liked Ivan, but I can't help a spot of jealousy creeping in.

The more I think about this (and I tend to think far too much for my own peace of mind) the more complex it gets. What should be a casual, pleasant get-together has already become a monster in my mind. Best, I think, to leave it. After all, if we didn't have any contact for 18 years, then there can't be much of a friendship there.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1853

Hi Pete,

It's true that it is hard to catch-up with someone after 18 years...where do you start?! However, you can't let your unhappiness take over your life and focus on what you consider your failures.

You've listed your Cons for declining her invite but what about the Pros? What would you look forward to?

Perhaps you are not ready to see her now, but you have been able to reconnect through email and possibly consider a raincheck on getting together when you are ready. If you could reverse your decision after thinking more about it, would you?

In the meantime, I recommend looking over the information in the 'toolbox' section under 'Negative Thoughts' and identifying problems in your thinking. It will help you recognize any false assumptions and beliefs you have of yourself. The Program takes time to work through but I know it will help you overcome your current feelings of shame and unhappiness.

You've already proven to yourself and others that you are a talented writer and enjoy writing. What other activities bring you joy and happiness?

Vincenza, Health Educator

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 223

I was recently contacted by email through a well-known website that I won't name by an old university friend of mine that I haven't seen for about 18 years or so. As we are both 50 this year, she suggested getting together to catch up, and invited myself and my partner to visit her at her house in the country.

She was a close friend of mine back in the day, and my first reaction was to accept. But then I thought about it and realised that I was ashamed to face her. I would have to talk about my life and it struck me that I am ashamed of my lack of achievement, my unhappiness and the fact that my life has been so boring. She would see how worn and old I have become, how my failures are writ large upon me. I just can't face it, so I emailed her and politely declined, but giving reasons that mean there is no revesing the decision.

Isn't that sad?

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