Hi all, first time here. Looking for some advice and probably just a place to put my thoughts really, apologies in advance if I'm rambling.
I'm coming to terms with the fact I could have mild depression, I think I've been in denial for quite some time and I've simply shrugged off my 'moodiness' as PMT or just generally being a moody person, but the last few weeks I'm thinking it could be more.
6 years ago I was engaged to a wonderful man, who sadly I lost due to Cancer, I was with him when he passed away and upto now I think I've coped quite well with it. Shortly afterwards I got into a very emotionally abusive relationship for 2 years with someone, he'd recently lost his father so we sort of found each other. we were terrible for each other, he made me extremely argumentative, though looking back now perhaps it wasn't just him that caused my aggression.
Fast forward to last March and I started going out with a lovely, very laid back person. He took on board my past relationships and was just generally lovely. He was very understanding of my moods, putting them down to hormones, just as I told him. However after 5 months he couldn't take it anymore and ended the relationship. After 3 months we got back together and 9 months of bliss ensued (with the odd hiccup in my moods) until a couple of month ago when my moods increasingly got worse. I'd go from being insanely in love to very withdrawn, loss of libido, fear of socialising with his friends etc. On several occasions he expressed his fears for my mental health, but I just brushed these off - all girls get moody right?? I would get extremely defensive and accuse him of calling me crazy or something.
So now, the relationship is over again. I'm finally seeing that maybe I'm not 'normal' and maybe my ex's death has affected me more so than I realised. I want to show this man that I'm trying to better myself, not to win him back but to show him that I'm not this monster that I convinced him I was. Now I'm in a black hole and I don't know where to start. During my 2 year abusive relationship previously I self harmed on a couple of occassions and I really can't slip back to that.
Any advice, or kind words would really help right now. I'm not really sure how to approach a doctor with all of this really, I feel reluctant to do so - quite scared actually, but I suppose this is a start.
I'm really sorry if this makes no sense.
