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This is INSANE!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

I wish my depression was THAT cyclical. At least I could plan my schedule around it! But no, it often occurs approximately 10 days before my period, but can occur at any time. If I am pregnant I am almost depression-free. But as I will never be preg again, that will not be a "cure" for me...LOL.

Depression for me starts out hardly noticeable. I am a bit jumpy, less energetic and have been told my eyes look different...like psycho scary! Then I crave carbs and stimulants..sugar....cookies...tea...chocolate which I often succumb to. Then I get irritable. Then short tempered. Then fidgety. After 3 days since the start of changes I explode. I scream in agony, run around in circles, smash my head against the wall....just lose total control until I hit my head so hard I pass out or I run out of cortisol (or whatever chemical is giving me that kind of strenght) and collapse in a heap. At this point I spend a few hours in a catatonic state and a few days so drained that I can barely walk and think. It is during these days of intense fatigue after a collapse that I get negative thoughts. And week long cycle repeats a couple of times a month. I never really get "happy" before I start going down again.

A somewhat healthy lifestyle doesn't seem to change anything. I have tried elimination diets looking for allergies. I am been vegan, vegetarian, and raw foodist. Currently I eat very little dairy and meat. Mostly fresh fruits and vegetables with beans, nuts, seeds and eggs for protein. I exercise 5 times a week with karate, swimming and weightlifting. I go to sleep at 10 pm and am up at 6 am. I keep a very regular schedule. If my kids wake me up at night, I can almost not function the next day. I play music in the car and kid's play music on the computer at home. I also take multi vitamins, flax oil, protein supplements, St John's Wort and occasionally herbs depending on my issue at the time (echinacea for immune, valerian for sleep, etc.).

I have had the "full work up" done at the doctor's several times and the doctor always says "normal range". However, I did talk to some naturopaths that say the doctors don't look at individual stats just averages so I could be low for me but within the average range. I have been told by doctors that my hemoglobin is fine but am constantly refused at blood donor clinics because my iron/hemoglobin is below what they accept. One of my former midwives said that my hemoglobin (then and from previous records) is borderline even though I supplement with iron. But other than borderline hemoglobin I always turn out COMPLETELY HEALTHY. I am a perfect weight for my height and age (140 lbs 5'7" 43 years old) so I don't need to worry...there is nothing wrong with me...have a nice life....LOL Naturopaths claim that my liver works too hard and I have exhausted adrenals but the real doctors check it and say all that is fine.

So maybe just my thoughts are sick and my body is fine. So I try CBT. But I have more positive thoughts than negative until I start to crash. I only get negative thoughts when I don't feel well and I was doing good stuff before I started to feel badly. I don't seem to have "trigger" events...depression just seems to come no matter what is going on in my life. I could win 5 contests in the same week (and only entered 8), and get someone to give me free groceries when my paycheque bounces, and have time to watch a movie, play a game, relax a bit...and then POOF...I'm depressed.

I'm stumped....

I can't figure out why I am depressed or how to get rid of it...

I am almost done this program and still have no relief.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

Thanks for the tips.

Yes, I do see a slight difference in my mood with Vitamin B. One particular formula from Swiss worked really well, but they stopped carrying it about 20 years ago. I have another brands but I don't really notice any help. Swiss must have had just the right blends of herbs included. I tried contacting them several years back for an ingredient list but they claim to no longer have access to the formula. I have seen many many psychiatrists, counsellors, therapists, social workers, psychologists, general practitioners, naturopaths, herbalogists etc. over the last 40 years and some have suggested PMDD but were not able to "cure" my depression. I now live in rural Quebec so getting access to any medical services at this point is not going to happen, but I have tried so much and have lost faith so I am not too distraught about it. I did put my name on the waiting list, but I am not a priority. They won't give me a date but my son has been on the list to see an allergist for 8 years so far so I am not expecting a call in the next few years anyway. I'm on my own until then. Last year I did get access to a student psychiatrist but she only gave me more frustration!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

Been there, done that.

Since so many depressive episodes seem to come before a period I have been given the diagnosis of PMDD (severe PMS) a few times but I do not respond to the treatment. Well, I respond all right...I get WORSE! Anyway, after lots of trial and error.... it was decided that it was coincidence that many episodes come regularly especially since I have many episodes that DON'T follow my cycle. So...I have been told that although I may have PMDD, I also have depression that is unrelated to the PMDD.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 55

Hi brightsunnyday,

I just wanted to add my opinion here, as my depression is also completely cyclical and period related (read my intro post on the introductions section to see if it resonates with you). Basically I have 2 bad weeks, 2 good weeks, then 2 bad weeks, 2 good weeks again, rinse and repeat. The two bad weeks start as soon as I ovulate. Then as soon as I have my period, I inmediatly feel much better. The first two weeks of my cycle I feel quite optimistic, energetic, I can follow my diet with no issues, I exercise, I enjoy being around friends, etc. Then as soon as I ovulate is all the opossite, I feel exhausted, don't want to be around anyone, have lots of cravings, I am super emotional and dry at the drop of a hat, and my thinking becomes extremely negative and obscure.

I have found that having a healthier lifestyle has helped immensely. I know it sounds like a cliche but it has. Cutting out heavy carbs and junk foods, drinking a lot of water, having 3 balanced meals, exercising regularly, going to sleep no later than 11.30, waking up at the same time every day, having a healthy breakfast, listening music on my way to work (to avoid the stinking thinking). I also take daily complete range of vitamins and supplements: a multi vitamin, vitamin C, vitamin B complex, St. Johns Wort, a probiotic, digestive enzymes and omegas. I]m not saying this is the perfect formula of course, but it has helped for sure. I notice I have gained some of my strenght back, at least enough to get me to the gym at least 3 times per week.

And on the 'bad' days I am learning to use the techniques described on this website, to deal with the cognitive distortions.

Definitely see a doctor if you have not, specially if you have other physical symptoms such as exhaustion, headaches that won't go away, can't tolerate cold, etc. Depression can be caused by many physical diseases such as thyroid disease and lots of nutritonal deficiencies as is been suggested here. See a doctor, get a full blood panel done, and see what the doctor finds out!! Worst case scenario, there's nothing there but at least you will know that you are physically healthy and that alone is good progress :) A healthy body is a thing to be celebrated!!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

Hi Brightsunnyday.

May I make a suggestion? see a doctor for an evaluation. Find someone you can work with and look into the possiblities of what is making you tic and toc.

I diagnosys is something you seem to be searching for... some one mentioned PMS, It might be ... PMDD?... HEY you might fall into one of the Bipolar NOS categories ... since you have that intense??? irritation that comes with the mania (mania is not always the godlike feelings of immortality).

You might need to see a pyschiatrist for a diagnosis. Someone to tell you why. And from there you can at least make a decision and enlightend choices. It is better that a bunch of us infering stuff.

It is a big confusing world out here. Shop around. See what is available in your area through your community resources and who others have seen...

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 22

Hey brightsunnyday,

I figured I'd toss my two cents into the ring. First off, I *love* how you wrote "I get out of bed because I refuse to give up and lose my life." I also hear you on wanting to enjoy life, vs enduring it - thanks for spelling it out like that.

At any rate, I'm not sure if depression is genetic and/or situational. I'm happy to think that it's both, because that would imply that I didn't bring this mess onto myself! My doctor found that I have a vitamin B12 deficiency that may also be playing a role, and I've found that popping a B-complex vitamin daily to be helpful.

I've decided that this time around, my goal with depression is to manage it rather than to cure it - that way I'm setting myself up more for success. In the past, I've wanted to be done with depression once-and-for-all, but after it would come back (usually two yrs later), those feelings of 'failure' would compound with the usual depression-madness-cycles and I'd feel plenty worse.

I'm thinking that it's hard to control how you feel (like depression, or shame) - rather than fighting feelings, it's been better for me to let the feelings pass through me, or digest. That said, I would prefer to digest depression faster, but in the mean time, there's always a new recipe to try out (cooking is my go-to to feel better, nothing, distracted, or occupied). I also keep a Bookmarks folder on my computer of short videos that will more than likely crack me up. Just some kind of small action/behavior that goes counter to how I was feeling before it.

I've read that the components of enjoying life are having (1) something to do, (2) someone to love, and (3) something look forward to ("Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart" by Gordon Livingston). I try to keep that in mind when finding new stuff to try out.

Hmm.. also.. trying to avoid stress at all costs sounds stressful to me! Just a thought.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

YOU WANT TO KNOW THE REASON FOR YOUR DEPRESSION ?

I WILL TELL YOU NOW.

Search for the phrase "pre-mentrual syndrome", that is what the doctors say about your depression. You may be able to learn what others in a similar situation feel and do, plus their helpful or not so helpful coping styles.

MOST WOMEN HAVE SOME DISCOMFORTABLE SYMPTOMS BEFORE THE PERIOD. SOME ARE MORE SEVERE THAN OTHERS. YOU ARE ONE OF THE SERVERE CASES.

Since it comes before the period, it has a strong correlation with the period. What causes your period also causes your depression, most of the time. Depression is a combination of thought, feeling, behaviour, chemical change, sensation, social environment, physical environment etc.

But in your case, most depression episodes are caused by the chemical system that causes the period.

NOW YOU KNOW THE REASON FOR YOUR DEPRESSION.

DO YOU FEEL ANY BETTER NOW ?

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2606

Hello brightsunnyday,

I hear that you are still searching for something that will assist you with the depression. I highly recommend stopping by your local community center/health center to see what resources they offer. They often offer support groups, meditation classes, counseling services..etc It would be a reason to get up and moving around and you might be able to try something new out of it!

Members, what strategies have you used when you needed to try something new?

Samantha, Health Educator

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

That is the sad part....No, I don't really feel any better from all that I have done to rid myself of depression. What I do doesn't seem to shorten the duration, or make it less fierce. It still comes regularly...often 10 days before my period (but not always) no matter what I do. However, it does seem to make it less noticeable to others. When I try to relax and think positive...that is, go and do something I like, don't say negative things, get out of bed etc....other people assume that I feel better. My mom says I am not depressed as depressed people just sit in a chair and rock. So all that I do doesn't "cure" me, it just makes other people think I am just fine. My aunt who is depressed can't get out of bed. But when I told her she HAD to get out because I needed her to come with me for the day and then I could get her to the airport to go home afterwards, she could get out of bed. I don't get out of bed because I feel better. I get out of bed because I refuse to give up and lose my life. I have a great life and hate that I can't actually "enjoy" it. She got out of bed because she had a REASON. I have a 6 reasons living with me. But I still don't understand why I can't get rid of depression if there is nothing "wrong" with me. None of the treatments make a difference. None of the fighting changes anything. The bouts come no matter how good life is, no matter how much positive thinking I do, no matter how much rest and good food I get....

Could I just be born with a screw loose?

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 653

Hi Brightsunnyday,

I'm sorry to hear of your struggle. I'm wondering if the trigger is actually not the most important thing to figure out, but perhaps how you are handling your depressive episodes? I'm assuming that will all the hard work you have invested, that there is a change you can see in their severity, duration, time between episodes...?

Tiana, Health Educator

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This is INSANE!