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Time for change...

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Me too Jacques... it's exhausting. Do you have to go? What do you do inbetween to recharge?

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 52

I'm really starting to hate december; way too many functions to attend. Every day after I attended a function I am completely exhausted... The idea of going out with friends and have fun as an activity to replace negative feelings with positive ones, is definitely not working for me. Every social event is hard work for me... they always have been.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Oh, that avoidance thing can get out of hand... I'm just beginning to realize that my depression lifted because I've learned to avoid most triggers. Those I couldn't avoid, I drank to cover. But hey... no depression so it was ok. Not. Now that I'm trying to get back out in the world it's pretty humbling to realize all the old triggers are still there. The Evolution Health Panic Center lessons and education is helping me understand and and actually change my reactions. Well, that's the idea. I've clearly not mastered the techniques yet as I'm just beginning the program.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 52

Maybe bottoming-out is not the right expression... I realize right now that I'm moving from a resistance phase to an acceptance phase. From "I don't want to feel bad" to "So I feel bad, I want to do something about it". Even though the last two days were behaviourwise most likely the worst in this episode, I noticed that feelingwise they did not have a very negative influence. I seem to have accepted the depression as a fact and know that I have (at least some) influence in regards to the effect the depression has on my life.

One of my biggest problems is that I am very judgemental. That is part of my personality and I won't be able to change that. I will need to learn to accept that some things are outside my realm of change. I cannot change the triggers of depression, I can only change my life to avoid the obvious triggers.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

I don't believe in the bottoming out thing. I just think we do the best that we can and try not to judge ourselves. What session are you on in the program?

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 52

~m,

Thank you for your kind words. I don't really feel discouragement as I don't feel really anything. I do realize that I'm still descending further into depression, however it is a rationalization of what I should be feeling; it's not what I feel. I have been visiting my doctor on a regular basis; we have switched meds and increased the doses several times.

Things that normally lift me up, have no effect at all. My list of accomplishments, playing with my cat, a hug from my wife... somehow they don't register. I know I should be worried, as during a similar episode about 20 years ago I lost almost everything I had. But I don't feel worried; I only feel tired... very tired.

I realize it all sounds very low... maybe it is. Maybe I need to bottom out before I can climb up again.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Hey Jacques... it is really good to hear from you. I've been worried about you and wondering what is happening. I am so very sorry you are feeling such discouragement. Have you been back to your doctor to see about adjusting your meds? Your previous low dose is clearly not helping much if at all. It sometimes takes real persistence to get the right meds at the right dosages. Please, if you do nothing else... go see your doctor. That is the most important thing. Go. Go now.

And, a favor please ... keep us posted as to how you are doing. Where you are in the program. Even if you are stuck. I know it is hard when the depression descends but even if you can only write one word... I urge you to do so. As hopeless as things feel, you must remember that it is the disease "talking" and things can get better... For reals.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 52

Time is passing by and I am just an empty shell without feeling. Nothing is registering anymore... The disconnect between reality, feeling and cognition is complete. It's almost a halucinary experience; I'm the observer of my life.

My agenda is filling up with social events for the holidays. I have to go. I fall back into the old habit of putting up the facade. I notice I'm not focussed on the people I talk to; I am focussed on the interaction. All my interactions are rational. If I want to bring in feelings, I will need to feel... what do I need to do to feel?

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 52

Originally I went to my GP because I knew a depression episode was coming. Now 4 weeks later the depression really starts to hit. On Tuesday I had night class and just getting out of the door was hard. When I arrived at the university I sat in the car for roughly 1.5 hours... I couldn't get myself to get out of the car and to class, so I went back home.

Yesterday I went to a store to purchase some supplies. It was the first time this week I completed something. Somehow it felt like a success.... but I see my todo list growing every day. I drag myself out of bed every morning and sit in the kitchen. I don't even start reading the newspaper... I just sit there without doing or thinking anything. Life is passing by...

I know that what I should is not that important; it's about what I want.... but if I don't have anything I want, I won't fail in attaining my goals. However other people have their expectations of me and I will have to decide whether I am going to meet these expectations or not...

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 52

Hi Tiana,

Thanks for your response. I did go to the GP and we doubled the dose. I was really sick for a couple of days. Next checkup will be in three weeks.

Currently the correlation between thoughts and feelings seems to be missing. My mindset is still quite negative, but it doesn't affect my mood much. I had set my very easy goals and even though I have not been able to meet any of the goals, somehow it doesn't really bother me. It is a slight annoyance, but it doesn't result in the typical negative thoughts regarding failure. This is a completely new experience for me.

I have the feeling that for once I can work through a depression instead of struggling through it. I will have to work on my procastination and thought pattern, but I think I can and that is an enormeous improvement.

Thanks for being here and willing to listen...

Regards,

Jacques

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