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14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 32

Very cool cvdeb.

Change is hard work but I believe it's worth it in the end. There's a song lyric I really like, "nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight". In this case, learning is hard... it's a challenge learning about ourselves, learning to listen, learning to let go, or learning whatever we need to learn. It's so easy to fall back into our old habits, our old ways of coping... but we can't there's too much at stake. We must fight on, trudge through the depression, because in the end we are rewarded with our life, a life based on our truth, our purpose. That's why I get up everyday and that's why I fight and struggle.

Cheers,

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 102

Smiles here too :)

Thank you. We think very much alike.

I know that I have a genetic predisposition for depression, and I also know that I grew up with some difficult stuff. But I also know that I am no dummy, and that pain usually means that I need to take a look. Like a splinter in the foot that may take some doing to get out, depression is a little the same. Different because it's an illness I know I'll always have to deal with, but I dislike pain and will do whatever it takes to leave it behind.

The universe tells me that I've gone astray. Because I tend to be self-destructive I tend to not listen until I am hit hard on the head-- usually with illness or depression. Where I always seem to go astray is with overwork and burnout. The past three days I realized I had a set-back because I was grieving giving up my group therapy stuff-- but I know it's the right choice. I've worked 5 jobs at a time, and I figured I'm only working 2 now..... trying to justify overworking.

So much has changed since I started here. All gifts, all hard, and all learning experiences. Growth can be really painful, letting go of things we love that may not be the best for us is really hard.

I'm in a better space tonight. A five maybe. There is peace with my decision.

I also am working hard to follow my gut right now, and be present from moment to moment. I think I've made the right decisions so far...... who the heck knows. But things are starting to flow again.

thank you A.

deb

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 32

That is such wonderful news cvdeb.

In my experience, once we open our heart and follow our path the universe takes care of the rest. Over and over I am learning to let my life unfold without trying to label and categorize everything. Once I let the flow take over I realize that things happen for a reason and that there is beauty to the events in my life. There is no point feeling pain, anger or jealousy because SOMETHING happened to me. I simply have no idea how the events from moment to moment will impact my life, I can't see the big picture so there is no point worrying about some event that happened. I just try to follow my heart and be present from moment to moment.

Your post today put a smile on my face. Thank you.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 102

Today is a little better. Monday it snowed, Tuesday it rained, but today it's 70 degrees out. Goofy weather.

Thank you for that beautiful post A. That helped so so much (and you're right-- I just needed a gentle reminder). Things are coming together and today I'm actually seeing some of the pieces fall into place. I really have been working hard at rearranging a life that is not working for me anymore.

I came into my office today to do a couple of things.... talked to my supervisor. I got a raise and was given 40 hours a week (upped from 36), and a new staff person to help me with stuff. I can also be home in time to pick my son up from school, and do some of my work from home. She also told me that if I needed another month to recoup and regroup, that would be okay (My head was/is spinning from this-- seriously, can you believe???!!!). Today I also officially let the county offices and my clients know that I'd be winding up the group therapy stuff by the end of the month (which was incredibly hard). Lots of tears for me and my clients both. Really hard, really emotional.

The implications and impact these changes are going to have for me and my family's life are tremendous. I'll be able to take care of us financially, be there for my 5-year-old, and be there for myself. No more burned-out mommy.

I also called and scheduled individual therapy sessions for myself. And :) Since it is a nice day, popped off to the beach for about an hour and soaked in some beach air and sunshine.

Under normal circumstances, I'd be dancing around hooting and hollering. But I'm still not feeling well (still about an 8 on the scale). However, this day and the gifts that were given to me are not lost on me. I may not be jumping up and down, but there is this space in side of me that is breathing a sigh of relief and I'm at least feeling hope. That and a lot of gratitude. And A., your letter couldn't have been more timely-- before I read it I was thinking to myself that things are coming together. That some of my hard work is paying off, and that these were necessary changes that needed to be made. Thanks for sending some love-- I really felt it :)

deb

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 32

Hi Cvdeb,

I believe that we are all one, one greater consciousness and that the earth, every living thing, and all the energy around us is a part of this. We are all connected.

Please remember that there is love and beauty out there. Consider that this depression might be an opportunity. It can be a time for you to be reborn, to experience the life that matches your unique purpose and journey. Use the depression as your guide. What does you body say feels good? Ignore your mind and let the thoughts travel on but try not to engage them. Just let your thoughts be.

Depression can be a gift. Let these dark days tell you about the things you need in your life. The pristiq will help, just give it time.

You're in my thoughts today and you are loved.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2606

Hi deb,

Thank you for posting and sharing your challenges with us. I hear the frustration in your post. Take your shower, wash away those leaves and get ready for your conference. A shower can often be an invigorating experience, try to enjoy this moment. Break down your daily goals, and start with one at a time. Once you have completed your first goal be proud of your accomplishment, and when you are ready move on to the next. Know that we are always here for you to vent and express what you are going through.

You are describing this feeling you get, like you are looking out of a window at other families. Is this your desired outcome? What do you want? If you got it, what would you ultimately have?

Samantha, Health Educator

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 102

Thank you Samantha and Strength. That helps so much. Thank you for being there.

I'm having another bad day. I'm having a hard time pinpointing what triggered it (if anything), but although I've kept my goals up, I haven't been doing any pleasant activities, and it's been raining hard for a week-- hard to get out and get any sunshine in my eyes. The last two days I've gone back to bed after I've gotten my son off to school. Then when I wake later I feel like such a loser. Which I know is negative self-talk. But it's sending me down into a negative spiral (I just read session 3), and it can be hard to pull out of. Mornings are definitely worse for me. I hate this part of it. Things were going so well and I hate the backsliding. I know not every day is going to be perfect, but I'd like to at least be functional.

My huge goal for today is go to my little one's parent/teacher conference, and wash some towels because we are out. I can't even think of what to do with myself beyond that. No motivation, no ideas, low and unfocused energy, and throwing hate daggers at my phone when it rings.

I know I need to take a shower for the conference-- maybe that might help a bit. I don't want to show up with leaves and twigs in my hair, and cute little squirrels setting up camp on my shoulder. :)

I keep blaming myself for this. I must have done something, or not done something. It's so hard feeling like I'm looking out of a window at all of the other families that are engaged with life. Their houses look great, their kids are in extracirricular activities, they're meeting each other for dinner out, they're laughing. I know their lives aren't perfect and they have their own issues to deal with, but their functioning. I can't even express the depth of my despair right now. I feel so frustrated and overwhelmed. My level of depression today is 9+ and I want someone to whisk me off to the carribean. And I want to stop feeling all of this pain. No worries with me and S/SI-- I never go there. I just want this pain to stop.

Thanks for letting me vent. I feel like I could sit here all day and vent.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 217

We are always here for you deb! I haven't posted in a little while, I came across your post and felt the need to just stop in and let you know that I am here, I am listening and I get it.

Strength

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2606

Hi cvdeb,

I am glad that you were able to "vent" and express yourself here, do check out the panic site to see if there is a section that you may benefit from. Remember, we are always here for you and we support you! Be sure to check in and let us know how you are doing.

Samantha, Health Educator

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 102

Josie, thank you so much. It was a really hard day and I was needing to hear back from someone. I'll check into the panic site and read about going back to work. I didn't actually have a full blown panic attack, but it felt close to one.

Really. Thank you for being there. I have tears in my eyes because I was waiting for someone to write back to anything I wrote today.

Did I say thank you??? :)

Deb

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