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Diva's rainy days...

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

A twofer would be great. And something that would alleviate this fatigue and excessive sleepiness would be awesome! But I have to admit I am still scared senseless about taking a higher does of my meds and taking new meds to boot! I don't do well with new medications, they scare me.

On top of it, ADHD meds can cause excitation or anxiety. As I have panic disorder and GAD, this may be contraindicated. The posychiatrist and I discussed this at length and decided it was still worth a try as the ADHD and exhaustion is really making a much of my life. But it is still a scary thought. But we will be starting small and he promised to stay with me until we figure out what helps and what works for me. Plus as my husband says: "Just cause you started it, doesn't mean you have to stay on it if you hate it." He has a good point. So I figure, even though it terrifies me it is worth a shot. Because, I don't even remember what it feels like not to be tired. I have been stuck like this for over two years now.

I will most likely need your help and support through all this as I find this very unsettling and scary. The thing is that more then ever I feel like a fraud or like I don't belong here. But I can't find a support group for people who have anxiety disroders, borderline/dependent personnality disorder, possible narcolepsy, possible adhd and depression resulting from all that. And well, I like you guys and here is where I feel most comfortable talking. So I hope you will still be ok with me posting here even if my experiences may be a bit irrelevant to you all at times. Anyway, that is the news for me! Hugs all!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hello Greg_C, Sally and Goofy.

I want to thank you for your awesome replies. I have read them over several times. Sorry for not replying until now. I had a crisis and ended up at the crisis center and at my mom's a few days. And I just didn't have the guts to come post here. But I am here now.

During my crisis I managed to reach my community appointed therapist and she litterally pulled off a miracle and got me in to see a psychiatrist last Tuesday. In this region seeing a psychiatrist this quickly is a miracle believe me.

In past sessions, my therapist became suspicious that I may have adult ADHD. It wassuspected until now because I have always managed to compensate in school for it and succeeded well since highschool. But in primary school I wasn't a great student. At first when she mentioneed it I actually laughed and told her it was preposterous and that I did well in school and I wasn't ADHD. She gave me information on ADHD and websites to check out. After I stopped being so insulted I checked it out. Then I thought, wow, I may actually have ADHD. So having a bachelor in psychology and knowing how to look for that stuff, I found some symptom checklists tests for ADHD. Guess what. They suggested I do have ADHD. So of course, when I heard I was going to the psychiatrist I made copy of all of those for him. Some psychiatrists hate that. they hate when you "do your homeowkr". They think it introduces too much bias and they do not like :self-diagnosis. But this psychiatrist was very nice about it and he understood that I am fascinated by all this and have studfied and took me seriously while remaining objective. Which was great. I hate feeling discounted and like I am treated like and infant. this psychiatrist really treated me like a smart responsible adult. As we did not have much time, he could not give me all the necessary tests. But his opinion is that I do most likely have adult ADHD.

Mostly, I went to see him about my fatigue/sleepiness/exhaustion issue.I told him all about it and we discussed it at length. Of course I have not had my sleep study yet. That will only come in October. And as he said, and I agree with him, until that is done, we cannot have a clear and positive diagnosis. But his opinion is that it sounds like I may have a form of narcolepsy. But as he said, as long as there is no sleep study, no clear diagnosis can be made. Sleep apnea and Restless leg syndrome and a ton of tother things need to be ruled out first. But in the meantime, until October comes along, well, I need help.

So, the psychiatrist decided to: 1st: up my dosage of Cymbalta to 90 mg which I thought 60 mg was the max...But he assures me that is fine.

Then, in 2 weeks, I will be started on ADHD medicine, which it turns out is also the medication giben for narcolepsy. So I may get a two in one here.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 71

Hi Diva.

What do you do when nothing is normal - try doing something normal. Nothing major, like grocery shopping (which I like to do on good days, and find hard to deal with on bad days), but maybe something small. Have a cup of tea. Read a chapter from a familiar book. Wash your hair. Sit outside for a while. Something small and manageable. It seems to me that doing something normal can make us feel normal, a little bit, and for a little while.

Enough small things may help make this pass. Does this sound reasonable?

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 121

Hi Diva,

Ok, I know my answers are not the best, but I am going to be completely honest about what "I" do.

What do you do when, you have reached the end of your rope? Hide: in a tent in the forest, in my bed, behind a good book, or behind my computer; I also get mad and yell at people (not the best solution!)

What do you do when, you can see you are quickly exhausting the few ressources for help around you? I like Goofy's suggestion of looking for other resources; I call my doctor and say I need more help, ask, ask ask, someone will help.

What can you do when you have nothing left inside, but pain and distress? I fall back on that old "hide" routine, and maybe eat some chocolate too. Distractions seem to help (books, movies).

What can you do when you just don’t have enough in you to do anything? I take a huge break and stop doing anything. I was there for the first 3 months of this year, and I stopped cooking, cleaning, bathing, etc. It felt good for me to finally just let everything go; I just truly stopped caring; surprisingly, both my husband and my daughter became responsible for some of those things for the 1st time in their life! I now do much less than I used to.

What can you do when you just can’t deal with your life anymore? Find a little hole to crawl in and hide again, in this case, I usually crawl in bed with something yummy to eat, my laptop (or a portable DVD player), and a few DVDs; I watch the DVDs so I don't have to think; if I still feel like this after a week or so, I make a call to my doctor for help; he changes my meds, and in a few days, I am usually able to get out bed.

What can you do when surviving just isn’t enough anymore? I guess I change my definition of surviving. It used to mean making enough money, keeping up with responsibilities, etc. Then it meant getting out of bed and showering every day. Then it meant just eating every day (in bed). Then it meant just closing my eyes and sleeping to escape into dreamworld (I have some very interesting dreams and really enjoy staying in dream world). Now that I am on medication that is actually helping, I have changed my definition of surviving back to making sure I eat every day and getting out of bed every day. I feel pretty good about that! I know some people say that would be a shell of existence, but it is way more than what I was doing before. I had stopped eating for a while, so where I am at now is a huge improvement.

What can you do when you want off this da*n ride? I was really and truly at this place in December of this year. I had to find something (anything) to focus on and to hang onto. For me, it was my daughter. Every time I struggled with "getting off" the ride, I would see what her face would look like afterwards, and I just knew that I couldn't do that to her. So even though I was miserable, I hung on to her image. So, my best advice is to hang onto something, anything. With what I know now (that it does truly get better with the right help), I would hang onto my doctor and demand more help. If meds and therapy were not working, I would ask for more because living like that was intolerable. I am at the point now where I would even consider ECT for depression. I would have never considered that before, but I now know that there is hope, and I "can" get better (I would have never believed I could get better a few months ago).

Great questions Diva! Thank you so much for posting. I have never asked these questions before and they really made me think. Your tenacity and strength are such an inspiration.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Diva, here's my answers to your questions

# 1. You hold on tightly!

#2, Look for additional resources or have those resources you still have seek assistance- via health care system, government assistance, whatever is necessary and available.

#3 Be grateful that you are here and have those who care about you

#4Do what you can do and be glad you accomplished that (even if it's just you got out of bed to go tinkle, post here, or sleep)

#5 Take life a second at a time, a minute at a time, an hour at a time, a day at a time - whatever is manageable. We can do it.

#6Surviving is always enough. We are survivors!

#7 Wait till the ride comes to end of it's own accord and hang on until then! tightly!!!!! Getting off before that is not an option!

Pete says Depression is not who I am, but what I feel. And Diva says This too shall Pass. Words of Wisdom

Keep posting Diva! HUGS HUGS AND MORE HUGS!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

What do you do when, you have reached the end of your rope?

What do you do when, you can see you are quickly exhausting the few ressources for help around you?

What can you do when you have nothing left inside, but pain and distress?

What can you do when you just don’t have enough in you to do anything?

What can you do when you just can’t deal with your life anymore?

What can you do when surviving just isn’t enough anymore?

What can you do when you want off this da*n ride?

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Hi Diva, glad you feel like posting again - it is always good to see you. I am sorry you feel so bad. I, too can hear the pain in your writing.

I know you have heard me refer to being in bed for 2 years or so. I know what that felt like for me. I, too had to have someone take care of me - looking back, I'm grateful that I had people who cared enough to do so. I guess out of fear, I have a power of attorney (someone who can handle every thing I need handled in case I get in that shape again). I still have had to have occasional help with house cleaning and financial paperwork - paying bills and such; my son is very helpful with that. They gave me meds for narcolepsy to help me stay awake (lol, I wouldn't recommend it). I also know what it's like to fake it, but that is more today than back then, I could NOT fake it back then, neither the strength or caring (caring took too much effort).

Don't feel bad for feeling the way you feel. Do what you need to do to take care of you. I'm so glad you have your mother and your husband in your life to help you. If you feel like doing something do it; if not, don't worry about it. That IS NOT giving up - that's taking care of YOU. You are the most important!

And to quote a very intelligent and insightful person, as well as, creative..."This too Shall Pass". Please keep us posted. I miss you!!!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Up to now, today was a pretty good day. I got up around 7 am and I have been relaxing and doing my Facebook and my games thing. As stated in my previous post, I have been getting my Glee on. Mostly, I have been tired but not sleepy, which is nice. It is nice not having to fight to stay awake. Now I am starting to get really sleepy. But I have had an almost 6 hour run without feeling like nodding off which is really good.

I have decided to try to keep a sleep journal. I figure I will write every time I sleep from what time to what time. And write down also how tired I was every day. I figure having a better understanding of my sleep cycles may be helpful.

Anyway, as I am getting very sleepy, this is all I really have to say. so, I will see you all later!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hey Cm,

thanks for the reply and the support. Yes I am in the process of figuring this out with my GP. I am going for a sleep study in October as well. As for a therapist I do have one that I see once a week atm. Thanks again!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 31

Hi Ya Diva:

In reading your posts I too can feel your pain, my thoughts are with you.

I really think it would be helpful for you to speak with someone face to face that could offer support and advice. I'm not sure where you live but here in Canada psychotherapists fees are covered by our health coverage "OHIP", we don't have to pay for their services as individuals. How about your meds could they be causing the exhaustion ? Have you thought about going to your GP ?

Diva please let some kind of health professional know how you are feeling.

I read something a while ago, it goes something like this. "It gets worse before it gets better". So maybe this is the worst of it & it's onward and upward from now on.

Take care

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