I don't really know where to start. I have never been one that was very good at writing organization and construction of sentences. My concentration is often interrupted by negative thoughts and anxiety fears. I estimate that I have been suffering from depression or some other mood disorder (such as bi-polar disorder) since I was 12. Though, It could be my entire life. I don't have many memories of me being in a very happy mood. I remember mostly feeling intensely sad, hopeless and anxious for most of my life. Although I have had moments of happiness, my negative moods and experiences are most memorable (in a terrible but fascinating way).
I am currently taking Zoloft for my depression. It has worked, but it seems to only work for a couple months or so and then my depression starts slowly creeepin back (this is just MY situation, Zoloft may work for others and I am not speaking for it or against it). I have raised the dose several times. Same thing. I have tried other medications that seemed to have worked really well but have negative side effects that I absolutely do not want, especially since there is a risk that some of those side effects may become permanent (ex: tremors in my hands, involuntary twitching of my face and involuntary movement of my legs/feet giving way beneath me causing spontaneous falls). I was given medication during my visit to the psych unit at the hospital, but they put me on 3 different meds, and I continuously took them together, so I am unsure which one was predominantly working (or wether just one, two or the combination was what worked). I was taking Lithium, Zoloft and Seroquel. It worked wonders. It changed my entire life perspecitve. I was extremely happy. However, the downside was not only the physical side effects, but also the mental effects. I was manic most of the time (not sleeping for days at a time, feeling so confident that it was borderline conceited, invincible and fearless) with a few periods of feeling blankly content in between. I was way too hyper (having racing thoughts that I couldn't keep up with and that others couldn't keep up with when I talked about them). I talked so fast with barely a breath in between and ideas were not very lucid.
I've gone for therapy and had both a therapist and psychiatrist. They diagnosed me with depression. I have not been fully happy with this because I feel its so much more than that. I experience losses of reality sometimes where I do very foolish things and I often have unrealistic ideas that I impulsively try to put into play. I'm very self aware now (I wasn't always), so I can try and clearly explain my symtoms, but, I have never really found a permanent or successful solution to my disorder. I feel certain I definitely have some sort of mood disorder, I am just not sure what kind it is. I alos have anxiety (excessive worrying), feelings of hopelessness, self destructive tendencies, impulsiveness, sexual addictions and addiction to the idea of drugs (by this I mean, I have only smoked weed and salvia but I have strongly desired to try other, more serious drugs and have become obsessed with the idea of getting high).
Anyway, I have already made this too long. I have once again laid everything out on the table for all to see. I'm an open book. I have nothing to hide. I'm not expecting any replies, but those who would like to may do so if they desire. Otherwise, it was nice of you to simply read this. Maybe some of you can relate to this and understand what I've been talking about. Or maybe you don't understand it (as I don't really understand it myself). I only know what I feel but I don't know how or why. It doesn't make sense why I have such extreme emotions for completely no reason at all. I can sw
