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My horrible day

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Wow that sounds like it was a horrible day! Good on you for getting through it!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Pete, I don't think coward is a word to describe someone who posted the success story that you did. I think your behavior and your "I can't do this" attitude is a sign of bravery.

I do understand where you are coming from with the cost:benefit ratio. Sometimes the benefits aren't worth the cost. Sounds like a rational decision.

Hang in there Pete.....how are the goals going?

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

I get what you're saying, but it's only 2-3 times a year. I don't want to make an issue or draw attention to myself. I just want to do my job as anonymously as possible.

Department head is not a witch :) Everybody likes her, but she's such a totally alien kind of person to me that I just cannot imagine communicating with her about something as personal and vulnerable as my state of mind. Bottom line is I'm a coward.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Pete, since your manager deals with the department head, can she not represent you and your need to the department head. I didn't think we were supposed to go around anyone in the chain of command. You really don't know that she wouldn't understand, you are assuming that. Though by your description it sounds like she could apply for a position as a witch (joking). Sso I can understand why you wouldn't want to approach her. What about a formal request in writing to her through your manager. I mean the manager is in that job for a reason "a middle man (person)". The worst case scenario is they say you have to go again. You are very articulate, write a nice formal letter and attach medical documentation if you can. I am not sure of the laws in UK but here the Americans with Disabilities Act requires that employers provide a reasonable accommodation. Missing an "away day" to stay and work at the library hardly seems unreasonable.

Well, it is your job, and your manager, and your hierarchy, but just wanted to make another suggestion - I guess, Pete, you are coming to believe what I said initially - I am full of it - opinions.

lol

Look forward to your next post!!!!

Thanks on the congrats on the job, I don't think I posted that here, btw, you didn't miss it. Will post when it's finalized. It was a boost to the ego in many ways.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Goofy:

Well done on the job! I'd missed that.

I have asked my manager about not attending these functions. She's very sympathetic and flexible, but she can't do that for me. I would have to go several steps up in the hierarchy to the department head. She scares me rigid - she's a very driven, enthusiastic, extrovert woman, and hard as nails, and she can't conceive of anyone being different from that. She wouldn't understand, I'm sure, and would think I was just getting out of it, though I would happily trade one awayday for two days' normal work.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Pete, I think I mentioned that I got an offer to have my old job back, if I didn't it's not the good paying one, predepression, but the other one at an a/d treatment facility. It made my day when they called and ask if I'd come back. I went and met with them. We talked about the job and I reminded them of the letter from the pdoc that said, I can't work after midnight nor before 7:00 a.m. It should not be mandatory for me to participate in large social gatherings (10 + people) and that my ability to do so may fluctuate. (sometimes I can, sometimes I can't). And I don't like eating in public either. But he didn't put that on there. They make those accommodations for me. Have you thought to ask for an accommodation of your social phobia for the "away days". It seems that it may do more harm than good having to participate. It doesn't sound like it is training but a breather of sorts for the staff and as you said team building and icebreakers (I roll my eyes here) I know that if my pdoc thought I was just trying to get out of something he would not have written the letter. Just a curiousity......may be worth a try.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Yes, I tore up the sheet. Didn't want to read it.

If it was critical of me, I sure didn't want to look at it.

And if it was nice things, well, it wasn't about me, but the obedient little robot that my colleagues see every day. And I resented the idea of people writing anything about me, didn't like the idea of being in their consciousness without my permission. Or, for those of my workmates who are more perceptive, it would have been a nice bunch of lies to try and give me a boost. Anyway you shake it, I had no reason to look at it, and I was hating the day so much that I got satisfaction from refusing to participate in this little part of it, and thoroughly enjoyed tearing it up. Can't say I felt any curiosity at all as to what people had written.

Thanks for calling me strong. It's taken me several of these events to actually be able to turn up and last out the day, but even at this one I went ot the toilet a lot of times, and just sat in the cubicle, trying to breathe myself back to some sort of calm. Previously I've had migraines, been sick, had panic attacks.

The key for me is to not even pretend to enjoy it and to participate to the minimum. If people don't like that, well they know where they can shove it. And if anyone should ask me, I will tell them - I suffer from major depression and social phobia.

I never go to department parties, meals, drinks, social events of any kind. When I started my current job, about 2 years ago, I spoke to the guy who organises all these things and just told him that I don't like social functions and never go to them, so to save offence and inconvenience, just don't bother inviting me. Luckily I work with a pretty reasonable bunch, and nobody took offence or gave me a hard time about it. I appreciate it wouldn't work out like that for a lot of people.

Social pressure is very strong, and can force us into situations that, as you say, are way out of our comfort zone. I'm fortunate that, at work at least, I've managed to sidestep much of this (though the 'awaydays' like Wednesday are part of work and not social events, so I have no choice). Outside work I have no friends or social life, just family. And even then, I can be uncomfortable. I'm 48, two years ago my brother turned 50 and the family took him out for a celebration meal. I have forbidden them to do that for me when I am 50. I couldn't stand that, public eating (which I don't like anyway) combined with being the centre of attention. And people might take my picture, which I do not allow.

So I have my life pretty well-designed as far as avoiding my fellow humans is concerned. But sometimes, like Wednesday, I can't escape and feel like a cornered rat.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 22

Wow - you tore up the nice things people may have said without reading it. I thought only I did stuff like that. My ex-boss used me up and threw me away, but felt a bit guilty since he'd been a friend of the family for 25 years. This was a portion of the event that triggered my whole depression.

He wrote me a glowing letter of recommendation, which helped me snag a new job in less than a month.

I have never read it, and I never will. I don't believe a word of it.

I would have run away from a day like you just had. I was trying so hard to think of how to get out of my department holiday party. It would just be like last year, everyone chatting about in their cliques and me standing alone in a corner. I lucked out - jury duty that day. I've never been so happy to have jury duty.

But you, Pete, are stronger than me, and stronger than you think. You are obviously very aware of what you canand cannot do, and you make the attempt anyway. I just blunder into events way over my comfort zone.

Keep at it, sombody here has to break out eventually.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Pete, I am so glad you posted it here and recognize that you did get through it without killing the facilitator who sounds like he needs a class in how to be age appropriate. Glad you stuck through the day, I know how hard that is....or you want to stand up and say something like "you people are f'n nuts, this is a bunch of bologneeee. But we don't (did you ever feel like that?) I have. I'm also proud you took care of you. You knew you needed a break, you took it, went outside, did what any smoker would do - get the three cigarettes in in 30 minutes (10 minutes per cigarette), you got a second wind, went back inside and went through part II. I think that is an awesome accomplishment!!!!!!!

I used to love to be a presenter and do stuff like that - you've changed my perspective. Though I don't do crowds or social gatherings either anymore. I think it is important that a person who is presenting to be trained that not everyone is "social" irregardless of whether or not they have depression or anxiety. I know I never was and didn't have the insight to think about it. Thanks for bringing that to my attention, you can read my success story in a moment and it will explain why I am saying that.

Great job Pete!

I know it was horrible day but YOU DID MAKE IT!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2606

Pete,

Thanks for sharing your experience from your awayday. Despite the fact that it was really trying and difficult to get through, you did in fact survive and you did manage to pull a few positives from it. Hopefully, posting here about the experience has allowed you to let go the frustrations that you built up throughout the day. Continue to post here as much as you need to, we are always listening.

Samantha, Bilingual Health Educator

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My horrible day