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Abuse?

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Neglect

Occurs when a person fails to provide for the basic needs of one or more dependent victims he or she is responsible for. Basic needs include adequate and appropriate food, shelter, clothing, hygiene, and love or care. The idea of neglect presupposes that the neglectful person is capable of being responsible in the first place. For example, it is neglect when an employed parent fails to care for their child adequately. It is still neglect when a parent is unable to provide for their child despite their best efforts due to extreme poverty or illness, but the neglect is perhaps mitigated by the circumstances. Neglect can only happen to dependent persons. For this reason, it most typically involves children or dependent elders who are not taken care of properly by their families or caregivers

Neglect includes failing to (intentionally or unintentionally) care for or meet the needs of people who are dependent and cannot meet their own needs. Neglect includes failing to provide:

· adequate nutrition, clothing and other necessities;

· adequate personal care (e.g. failing to turn a bedridden person frequently);

· safe and comfortable conditions;

· a clean environment;

· sufficient space for personal privacy; and/or

· transportation to necessary appointments and occasional outings.

It may also include:

· leaving incapacitated people alone too long;

· failing to remain with those who need help; and/or

· abandonment.

Sequelae

It is important to keep in mind that each individual will have a different response to abuse. Each person experiences abuse differently, and is able to cope with abuse in different ways depending on their circumstances. While one person may suffer greater consequences as a result of abuse than another, there should be no shame involved in how little or much impact is suffered.

People have little control over whether they are abused, and little control over how that abuse impacts them. What people do have control over is their choice to seek help, and to make the commitments necessary to help themselves recover.

While some abuse victims develop diagnosable mental health or medical disorders, the majority of abuse survivors will end up with less severe outcomes that might be best described as sub-clinical (e.g., not sufficient to meet criteria for a disorder) post-abuse issues. These issues may include:

· Difficulty developing or sustaining healthy, long-term intimate relationships

· Sexual dysfunction or discomfort with sexual intimacy

· Low self-esteem

· A tendency towards self-blame.

· Difficulty expressing anger appropriately; a tendency to have a bad temper

· A tendency to put everyone else's needs before your own

· Anxious, panicked, or depressed feelings

· Suicida

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Sexual abuse

Sexual abuse is defined as any unwanted or inappropriate sexual contact or activity that forces a person to participate in any unwanted, unsafe or degrading sexual activity that is considered non-consensual, coerced or against a person deemed incapable of giving consent. Perpetrators are most often known and trusted by the victim.

· Forms of sexual abuse may include inviting or manipulating for sexual purposes, petting, fondling, intercourse, date/marital rape, beating sexual parts of the body, bestiality, forced prostitution, sodomy, sex with weapons, exhibitionism, use of pornography. Penetration does not have to occur for it to be sexual abuse.

· Undermining a person's sexuality by derogatory comments, withholding sexual affection, criticism of desired sexuality, and unfounded allegations of promiscuity and/or infidelity.

· Humiliating, criticizing, or trying to control a person's sexuality or reproductive choices.

· threatening to harm your reputation

· putting you down

· getting back at you by refusing to have sex

· treating you as a sex object

· forcing you to look at pornography

· lack of intimacy

· being rough during sex

· forcing certain positions

· hounding you for sex

· forcing you to have sex (rape)

Economic or financial abuse

Economic Abuse is defined as the control of a person's financial resources without their consent.

· Making, or attempting to make, a person financially dependent by maintaining control over all household income, not disclosing family income or resources. Stealing from, defrauding, manipulating, exploiting or inappropriately using others' finances.

· Keeping the person from attending school, forbidding employment or controlling their choice of occupation or harassing the individual at his or her workplace.

· Denying access to financial resources, withholding money or access to it for food or medicine. Making them beg for money for necessary items like personal hygiene items, children's items, taking money; giving an allowance and requiring justification for all money spent.

Neglect

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

· Verbal Abuse occurs when one person uses words and body language to inappropriately criticize another person. Verbal abuse often involves 'putdowns' and name-calling intended to make the victim feel they are not worthy of love or respect, and that they do not have ability or talent. If the victim speaks up against these statements, they are often told that the criticisms were "just a joke", and that it is their own problem that they do not find the joke funny. They may also be told that no abuse is happening; that it is "all in their head". Verbal abuse is dangerous because it is often not easily recognized as abuse, and therefore it can go on for extended periods, causing severe damage to victim's self-esteem and self-worth. Damaged victims may fail to take advantage of opportunities that would enrich their lives because they come to believe they are not worthy of those opportunities.

Psychological/Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that affects the mind rather than the body. It may systematically wear away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, and trust in their own preconceptions and self-concept. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased. The abuse can be carried out overtly through berating and belittling or intimidation, or under the guise of “guidance”, “teaching”, or “advice”. Regardless of the specific form that this abuse can take, the negative effects on the victim’s sense of self are undeniable. Examples include:

· embarrassing the person in public or in front of family or friends;

· criticizing, telling the person they are not good enough;

· calling a person names like stupid, ****, cow, pig;

· constantly correcting the person;

· refusing to be intimate with them as a punishment;

· talking a person down because of things they can’t change (race, skin color, family, history);

· criminally harassing or stalking;

· harming their personal possessions or pets; and/or

· terrorizing a person.

Sexual abuse

· Undermining a person's sexuality by derogatory comments, withholding sexual affection, criticism of desired sexuality, and unfounded allegations of promiscuity and/or infidelity.

· Humiliating, criticizing, or trying to control a person's sexuality or reproductive choices.

· &

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Physical abuse

Physical abuse is the most visible form of abuse and is characterized by the infliction of injury or injuries.

· Physical abuse may include but is not limited to such acts of violence as grabbing, striking, pinching, shoving, slapping, hitting, hair-pulling, biting, arm-twisting, kicking, punching.

· Hitting with objects, use of harmful restraints or weapons.

· restraining you in any way

· stopping you from leaving

· holding or hugging you against your will

· pointing a finger at you or poking you

· choking, kicking, punching, slapping you

· any unwanted physical contact .

Emotional or Psychological abuse

Emotional or psychological abuse is defined as routinely making unreasonable demands or the intentional infliction of anxiety, hurt, guilt or fear through verbal or nonverbal acts.

· Emotional or psychological abuse serves to degrade and undermine an individual's sense of self-worth and self-esteem while rejecting their opinions and needs.

· Emotional and psychological abuse includes but is not limited to attacking a person verbally by yelling, name-calling, constant criticism, insults, threats, intimidation, humiliation, and criminally harassing or stalking. As well, isolating the victim from family, friends or regular activities, and using silent treatment.

· Denying the abuse ever happened; and shifting responsibility for abuse, using the statement "It's your fault."

· Exposing a child to family violence, using threats of harm either to the perpetrator themselves, a person or their loved ones or others threats of damage/destruction of property. Kidnapping, rape and murder are extreme examples of emotional and psychological maltreatment.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Well that did not format well. Here goes again:

Abuse

Abuse occurs when people mistreat or misuse other people, showing no concern for their integrity or innate worth as individuals, and in a manner that degrades their well being.

Abusers either don't realize that what they are doing is wrong, cannot stop themselves (because of impulse control, substance abuse problems, or brain damage), or simply don't care about the damage they do.

Abuse may occur only once, it can involve various tactics of subtle manipulation or it may occur frequently while escalating over a period of months or years. In any form, abuse profoundly affects individual health and well-being putting individuals at risk of serious behavioural, cognitive, emotional or mental disorders.

Abuse is not the easiest thing in the world to recognize, even if it is happening to you directly. Not everyone who is being abused understands that what they are experiencing is abuse. Some may recognize that something isn't right about how they are treated, but they may be afraid to speak up and name it as abuse for fear of retribution from their abuser. The following list describes various interactions that people might have that are examples of abuse. If one or more of these things is happening to you, there is very good chance that you are being abused.

· Being physically, sexually, or emotionally hurt and/or violated by your partner on a regular basis.

· Being called hurtful names and/or being put down by partner on a regular basis.

· Being controlled by partner. For instance, if your partner tells you that you are not allowed to have friends, leave the house without his permission, or tells you that you are not allowed to pursue your own goals growth, such as attending school or finding work.

· Becoming more withdrawn so that you do not spend much time with others who may clue in to the fact that abuse is happening to you.

· Finding yourself making excuses for partner’s bad and harmful behaviour (perhaps so that you won't have to accept the fact that abuse is happening).

· Recognizing that your relationship has a pattern or cycle in which something abusive occurs, you tell partner that you will not tolerate the abuse anymore, but then forgiving your partner when he or she apologizes.

· Blaming yourself for bad things your partner has done to you. For example, telling yourself that you are really difficult to live with so you deserve to be hit.

· Feeling trapped in your own home and being fearful when you know partner is coming home.

The important take home lesson here is to note that when it is not clear whether a particular behaviour is abusive or not, it is best to fall back on whether that behaviour feels abusive or not. If it feels abusive, it is likely to be abusive, at least for you, and in any case, you would be justified in escaping from that abuse. However, the same behaviour might not be abusive for another person.

There are many different forms of abuse and a person may be subjected to more than one type at a time, they can be exhibited physically, emotionally, psychologically, sexually and financially.

Physical abuse

Physical abuse is the most visible form of abuse and is characterized by the infliction of injury or inju

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Ok I visited 3-4 internet site on abuse and came up with this little cut and pasted résumé of the info I found. I wanted to share it with you all but I am not sure if I am violating some copyright law thingy or not. as such I decided to post it and figured the moderators of this site will take it off if they think I should not have posted it. So to whoever will deal with this issue, if you feel it is necessary, feel free to delete this post without contacting me! but here goes. this really helped me figure things out. I spent a whole evening on this but it made things clearer for me.

Abuse

Abuse occurs when people mistreat or misuse other people, showing no concern for their integrity or innate worth as individuals, and in a manner that degrades their well being.

· Being physically, sexually, or emotionally hurt and/or violated by your partner on a regular basis.

· Being called hurtful names and/or being put down by partner on a regular basis.

· Becoming more withdrawn so that you do not spend much time with others who may clue in to the fact that abuse is happening to you.

· Finding yourself making excuses for partner’s bad and harmful behaviour (perhaps so that you won't have to accept the fact that abuse is happening).

· Recognizing that your relationship has a pattern or cycle in which something abusive occurs, you tell partner that you will not tolerate t

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

I too am an adult child of an alcoholic. Do I considered myself abused - no; however there is a dynamic in a family with an active alcoholic that is different from other families. I think this is part of who I am today and why I have difficulties with my self-esteem.

Being sublte; "i'm the flower of the family a blooming idiot" was it said in jest, yes, did I personalize it, yes. "you are not pretty when you smile" again it wasn't said with mailice but I personalized it and it became true in my mind. "if you don't stop eating you're going to be as big as your mother" again same thing. I could go on but you get the point.

Funny how these things pop out in my mind. I define my family, including my father, very loving and caring, though they showed it in different ways. Dad was a functioning alcoholic and he thought loving us was demonstrated by providing for us. Mom had come from an alcoholic home and was an emotional stone. Always appearing strong and awavering. I was either the perseutor or the victim and my father and I alternated. My mother was always the rescuer. I think the dynamics of the family effect who we are but also there are some genetic components to personality that contribute.

Anyway, I say all this to suggest you, if you haven't, read the book Adult Children of Alcoholics and Co-Dependency No more. I found them helpful and gave me insight into why I am the way I am. (which isn't that bad).

I had the startling realization (lol, I can be slow at times) that the reason I hate crying for a reason or just because is because momma told me I wasn't pretty when I cried. I know that to be false, I'm no less pretty when I cry than when I don't.

I hope you find this helpful. I agree that thinking about these things help us put some current things in our life into perspective and that is ridding ourselves of our negative core beliefs or at aleast a start.

Make sense - I have a tendency to talk in circles too.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11216

Thanks for the positive feedback Diva. It is nice to hear.

I was sorry to read about you situation when you were a child. There is no doubt that this would have an effect on you. Having a nurturing family environment is so important to a child and feeling hated and also separated from your mother would be so hard for a little girl.

I can understand why you feel the need to label your situation as neglect or abuse. Humans have a tendency to want to categorize everything. It is how we make sense of our world.

You clearly have a lot of resentment for what went on when you were younger and I think it would help you greatly to look into it further and eventually resolve it in your mind. I remember last time you were on here you created a thread about your father and his wife and children. This seems like a reoccuring issue.

Please know that you are no longer alone or separated from your mother. It wasn't your fault. You know all this and you know the reasoning why your step mother treated you unfairly. It doesn't make it right but at least you can rationalize it to some degree.

You are not making things up or are too sensitive you are simply an intuitive person who wants to make sense of why you feel the way you feel. I encourage you to continue to examine you feelings and memories regarding your past.

Members, have others had similar experiences as Diva? Please share.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hello Ashley,

Thanks again for the reply. I wanted to thank you for your intervention and rasing a red flag. It is not alwys an easy thing to do but it is so important not to let somebody rush headlong into something that might be bad for them. So I thank you for caring and putting it out there and warning me. Your input is always appreciated. And as I said whether or not I was aware of it, a refresher is always good!

I wanted to also said that in your other reply you raised a very important point which I was already circling in my mind. That a person (parent, etc) can make poor choices and act in an abusive way without being an abuser. Nobody is perfect and everyone does the best they can with what they have at their disposition. I even think some parents manage to give you more than they had to give. It doesn't make their choices better and it doesn't mean their actions weren't abusive but I think intent and other factors come into being an abuser or just a parent who made very poor choices. I am in NO WAY HERE CONDONING IN ANY WAY ABUSE OR ABUSIVE ACTIONS! Abusers should be locked up in my book. I am just saying I see the subtleties and the differences. So many shades of grey.

Thank you for being interested in what I have to say. I am having a lot of trouble figuring all this out and I am starting to think it holds the key to undoing some stuff that is hurting me in the present, like core beliefs and thought patterns. I just really need to understand it all.

And it is hard for me to figure out because on paper my life looks really great, on paper I have no reason to have problems and depression etc. It makes me feel guilty for complaining at all, for feeling depressed or miscontent at all...

First off I would like to say that I have a very good relationship with my Dad now. But in the past it has been rough. You see I am a child of alcoolism. My dad was an alcoholic. Here I have said it. And we all know alcohol impairs judgement. So me and my dad it was tough and it hurt me a lot. He did NOT at any point beat me or molest me, ever. I think had he not been drinking and a workaholic he would have been a good dad to have. But the stress and the work and the alcohol... On top of it, he married a woman who hated me. I was under ten at the time. She hated me and I am not sure she still doesn't hate me. See I ruined her plans o have my dad all to her and her girls. I was not in the plan...I always felt she wished I had not been born...And of course my dad didn't notice and wasn't there to protect me. This woman wouldn't let my parents talk at all. So my mom was unaware too. When I was at my dad, I couldn't even call my mom without repercussions from my step-mom. I felt so alone and helpess and small... I don't think my dad is an abuser. I don't think my step-mom is an abuser. But I think both of them had behaviors that were abusive towards me whether it took the form of hostility or just plain neglect. I am just not sure. I guess it depends how one defines abuse.

And if The were not abusers, just parents who made bad choices and had abusive behaviors...was I really abused? Oye, this line of thinking upsets me and makes my head hurt. Sorry for not giving you concrete examples, I find myself having trouble writing stuff down clearly and putting things into words.

My question is, if I wasn't abused, why do I feel like I was? Am I just guilty of reinventing the past? Am I just to susceptible to suggestive comments? I think the reason I mentionned the psychiatrists comment is that when he asked I felt like saying yes even though the answer was no. I knew I hadn't been beaten or molested. But I did feel abused. I just don't know how. I am not sure I understand the boundaries of the concept. So was I abused? Am I making things up? Am I just too sensitive?

All I know for sure is I wan

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11216

I was pretty certain you would be aware of that I just wanted to as you say, "raise a red flag". I am interested in what you are saying though. What are some of the memories you are thinking about? What are some of the subtle things you are mentioning?

Again, it's so nice to see you back here!

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

Reading this thread:

Evolution Health is not a healthcare provider and does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are currently thinking about or planning to harm yourself or someone else please call 911 or go to the nearest hospital emergency room.

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Abuse?