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Finally! understanding the source of my depression

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Finally! understanding the source of my depression

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Cammy,

I just read your post and am sorry to find that you were neglected like that. Unfortunately we are so often affected by the quality of our childhood and most are unfair. Yours certainly was.

On the opposite side of the coin there must be good things too. You have a family of your own and I'm sure you want the best for them. Focus on the good things - it's a start. For me it's my son and daughters. No matter what, they can and do make me smile, even my problem middle daughter. In the midst of my darkness they are a light as is my faith (but another story) What makes you smile?

Hang in there Cammy you are worth it.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Hello Cammy,

Hope the day went well and today even better. I've been gone a bit and trying to get caught up. I'm concerned and want to support and provide feedback to help you through.

Hang in there and keep us posted!!!!!!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hey Cammy,

Hope you managed to get through your day ok. What has got you so upset today? We are here for you.

I also think Ashley makes a good point. Have you spoken to a councilor or a therapist about your feelings? I find that helps me a lot!

Hang in there.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11212

I'm sorry you had a tough morning. Have you talked to a counselor recently about how you are feeling. We are all concerned for you cammy.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 80

I'm scared this morning, upset. I dont know what happening anymore. WHY?

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 80

So it looks like I have to leave yet another career I had hoped to make a living at. and I owe almost 2grand to a company. and i dont even have that kind of money either. I dont know when its ever going to stop. in the last 15 years i have not worked at a place that pays decent wages. the employers have all been too greedy living off my back and never giving anything back to the workers who do the grunt work for them.

I wish I could just escape all this garbage from greedy employers who only think of their paycheck and not of their workers.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 406

Cammy,

Sorry that you did not have the kind of support that you provided your siblings. Please continue to stay strong, don't give up!

What are some of the positive things in your life you are grateful for? Your wife and children? Can you think of some more?

Members, any words of encouragement for Cammy?

Karen, Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 80

They all know. Thats why I'm being admitted tomorrow.

All I ever wished for is a "normal" peaceful life and I have had nothing of that. Just been running from one crisis to another and I cant do it anymore. I wish I could leave.

There are a couple of songs I like, "Tears in Heaven" partly written by Eric Clapton

Would you know my name

if I saw you in heaven

Will it be the same

if I saw you in heaven

I must be strong and carry one

cause I know I dont belong

Here in heaven. First verse,

and second song

The road is long

with many a winding turn

that leads us to who knows where

who knows when

but I'm strong

strong enough to carry him

he's not heavy, he's my brother. second song.

Both songs have very special meanings for me because I was not helped, I had no "big" brother, I was the big brother and I couldn't do it, I had no one, no one cared enough to help me when I cried. And I know I dont belong in heaven yet, and I'm trying to be strong, but I feel like I cant do it anymore, I want out. but I cant.

I am so scared!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 406

Cammy,

Does your wife or family also know about your thoughts of suicide? Have you talked about this with a counselor or doctor? Unfortunately, we at the Depression Center are not trained in crisis intervention.

Keep posting here and let us know how we can help you.

Karen, Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 80

I'm terrified! I'm scared. I know the challenges I faced as a young teen, challenges that no kid should have to face especially alone. Having a brain infection is a rare infection, even cancer strikes more people than what I had, and with mine it was an invisible illness.

I'm scared that I might do something in the heat of the moment. Trust me, I do not want to die at my own hand, it terrifies me, but the abuse, neglect, rejection and isolation that I felt as a teen haunt me. There are times I would give anything to rid myself of those memories I lived through. At times suicide seems like the only way out. Harsh words I know, but in reality I do not want that route. I'm confused. I love my family, and yet I can not show them my love physically, or emotionally. I'm angry at my parents for having "forgotten" about me, and ignoring my tears, and yet I love them. I'm torn between love and at times hate. Hate? I'm not sure if it is that but I feel like using that word at the moment, perhaps it is more hate of their actions to help. I am slowly beginning to understand the reasons why I started thinking of suicide only 8 months after being so sick. At first only just "fleeting" thoughts, later becoming very much centre of thoughts. I have never talked to anyone about these thoughts until recently. I'm scared of those thoughts, but unless I talk about them I will never understand them. The depression that ensued me those long years ago was something that I never understood. I did not even know what it was I was feeling.

Tonight, I am scared, but I also have my wife at my side. My boys do not understand what I am going through, except that they know I am not feeling well.

I am trying.

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Finally! understanding the source of my depression