Is there a difference in depression of those whose is "chemical imbalance" in nature, and those who have physical changes within the brain structure from injury or disease?
Before I got sick, I had lots of problems I had to put up with from other kids, ie bullying etc, but none of that ever got me as depressed and frustrated as things that happened after being sick. All of a sudden, "stupid" simple things got me depressed, and 8 months after I started to have thoughts of suicide. Until now, I never really connected depression and suicidal toughts to that bug, and until last spring I never even had a name for that bug, "Encephalitis". All I know is that things changed after, strange feelings. At times I even had a feeling that a small part of me "died". I had these strange feelings and never knew where they came from, and never had words to be able to describe what I felt like either. Forgetting 2 years worth of school work added a lot of stress to me. I never even remembered making all the school notes. It was almost as if I never even went to school for those 2 years, yet I do remember being in the classes. The year before being sick and the year after were "wiped" out.
At times I can feel ok, the very next minute I can feel totally miserable and frustrated. The mri done a few weeks ago shows up 3 areas that are "dead" spots in my brain. one of them being about the size of a dime. I'm supposed to go back for another mri sometime.
I'm so frustrated because I have never been able to get into a decent "job" to make a decent living. If I did not have that stress, I could probably handle the "negatives" better. I'm torn between trying to make a "go" of my business and simply calling it "quits" on it and getting some sort of "menial" job doing something else all together. I'm tired of "running" though. I've been "running" from my problems ever since. Any time something got difficult, I quit and did something else. I still dont understand my feelings, depression any better than I did so many many years ago- its just that now I can connect more of them to that bug, which also changed me physically. It caused me to not grow as tall as the rest of my family, something else I just found out this summer, as my son is now growing taller than me. These little things are all part of the puzzle. I guess sometime I should get a cardio stress test done by my doc, though I dont know what that will tell me, that I dont know all ready.
Ive been rambling on and on, complaining so much here on this darn board, at times I feel like a "parasite" complaining so much.
