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i hate myself today and probably tomorrow, too

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i hate myself today and probably tomorrow, too

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Rose,

I just read your post. I wish I could say that I didn't relate, but I do. Sometimes I see anger in your posts but steming from deep rooted hurt and in others I see the compassionate Rose that I believe you truly are. Hurt and anger are frustrating, they zap our energy, make it difficult to trust, and keep us held to those things we think are safe but which end up being prisions.

I see your posts here and you are always looking for ways to help people, you see their pain. You read their posts and see their pain. You've seen mine very pointedly on several occaisions.

Rose you are very special, but you don't really realize it. You have been badly hurt and trust is not going to be easy for you. I am sorry to read that you feel this down. Been there and revisit often so I'm never excited to see someone else visiting the hopeless pit.

I think your husband would be thrilled if you went to a party with him. He must want you to go if he always asks. Be glad he does, I'm not sure anymore that mine wants me there. Perhaps if you agreed to go it would be ok as long as he made sure he kept you by his side and didn't leave you to fend for yourself. It might be good for you and for him. (This is just a suggestion)

I procrastinate making appointments and doing things. I sometimes think I have Ostrich Syndrome - I'd rather bury my head in the sand and let everything pass me by. The suggestion of taking baby steps is a good one, you are without trust and must build it little by little. It is less scary and less risky that way.

I have to admit that I don't have the magic wand that will take this away from you. I wish I did. You, me, Goofy, et al would be just chatting about the weather if I did. Please try to treat yourself to something good Rose - you deserve it.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Rose 306,

I am sorry you are kicking yourself so hard today and feel so alone and lonely. I can relate to the difficulty wanting to go to activities, get out of the house, make friends. It's easier to just stay at home and not answer the door or the phone (my preferred mode de operandi).

I know we have discussed how articulate you are, how insightful and intelligent you are, how honest you are and you find fault with these positive characteristics. I have an opinion that you may not agree with but I know you are open-minded and will consider it or reflect on your thoughts about it. But I don't believe there is such thing as a non-dysfunctional family. Everyone has skeletons in their closet, things they don't want others to know re: family, and issues that occur in family. I recently found out there is a history of depression in my family traced all the way back to my paternal great great grandmother. Geez, what a well kept secret as I am 46! I must say it made me feel not so all alone! But that is an example, should I tell you about my uncle, my cousin, the other cousin, the great grandfather and what they did, how they live their life. No, unless it directly effects mine, I'll keep those dysfunctional issues out of my conversations. My dad used to tell me we are not the Brady Bunch....lol, he hated that show. I don't think I ever thought we were.

I can't address the topic of relationships with a significant other - so that's why I won't. I have realized my picker is broke. I don't pick so well. I'm working on it fixing it (that co-dependency thingy).

Hang in there lots of cyber hugs, pats on the back and listing of positive personality characteristics to carry you through this difficult time. You've got my support, lending an ear, and encouraging you along the way as best I can.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 823

Hi Rose306,

Your post was heartwrenching...........which is how you felt writing it. Did something trigger this sadness and despair for you today?

You mentioned that you are seeing a psychologist which is a good thing. Have you expressed these feelings to him/her?

It sounds like you feel overwhelmed by all the emotions, negativity and effort involved in making some changes. Your intentions are good and you are a decent person which is why you want the best for your husband and family. Have you asked your husband to help you to make it to a support group meeting? Sometimes one needs to take baby steps.........maybe he could drive you to one and stay with you even if for only 10 minutes until you feel comfortable to stay longer?

Would you be willing to participate in small, short social things rather than long weekends away or big christmas parties that can create anxiety?

Do something nice for yourself this week because you deserve it. It is important to love yourself and be kind to yourself.

Hope tomorrow is a brighter day for you.

Faryal, Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 201

why does it have to be so hard? 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. it's so easy to give up and i always take the easy way out. my husband went to the beach for 2 days to visit an old friend - i was invited, i didn't want to go - i never want to go anywhere. he has been invited to christmas parties - i tell him to take his daughter in my place - she likes to party as does he. those who can have fun should, right? i have no friends because i trust no one and the effort is too great. nobody calls me but my mother to complain, my son to ask for money. there are support groups around here that i have gone so far as to print out their webpages and mark my calender, but i haven't been to the first one. why? what's the point? i feel such a sense of dread just leaving the house. and then i realize i'm jealous, jealous that my husband has a life and i don't. i'm angry that it's so easy for him. the psychologist referred to our marriage as a family - i never thought of it like that. a family is children, parents, aunts/uncles, grandparents - or that's what i thought. i have no idea what a really intact functional family looks like. maybe my husband's but i met him after both of his parents had died. i'm estranged from everyone, i'm the provoker, the one who can't shut up, the one who is never satisfied, the one who walks out, the one who lashes out. it's no wonder i'm alone, except for this husband who i think i love and who i think loves me. who knows? not sure if i understand what that even means.

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i hate myself today and probably tomorrow, too