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I gotta get this done

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 201

goofy - glad you checked in, was worried about you. things are looking up! hope you get much accomplished at your therapy session tomorrow - make a list you could mix regular coffee and decaf - 1/2 and 1/2. that helps, i do that sometimes. i sure love my joe! keep up with the STOP - get a good night's sleep - praying for you (in my way) O Great Spirit, whose voice i hear in the wind and whose breath gives life to all, hear me, i am one of your children and i need your help and guidance

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Thanks so much!

I was planning on staying with dad at the hospital but he and my brother insisted I come home, rest and go back tomorrow. I know i feel as if 1000 lbs. have been lifted from my shoulders. Dad seems to be less anxious or more relaxed too. I think he was scared. On the way over there, he said I've known I needed to do this but was putting it off. I told him I was glad he realized this and glad he decided to go.

The Gastroenterologist, nephrologist and cardiologist are all running tests (yesterday, today and I guess tomorrow). I guess I'll be checking in here each night (which is better for me - health wise) to come home and have some way to "unwind".

Faryal, I will do my best to quit the coffee again as I only started back this week. My eyes get sooooo heavy when I am stressed/depressed. I wish there were something I could do to make myself stay awake during these times. At work it isn't to the same degree of stress but I can shut the door and just rest for a few moments, but hustle and bustle at a hospital doesn't allow for that very well. At one point, they had prescribed provigil, it worked well, got me out of bed initially in my recovery. I don't think I am to that point yet. It's not too far away, but I'm fighting it!

Anyway, I'm going to see how I do today with the sleepiness, since he is there and I feel so relieved that he will get treatment and we will get definitive answers on what's wrong, what we need to do and what the progression is. I'm scared, but I am trying not to predict the future - know what I mean - all these scenario's want to run through my head and I say "stop" - we'll know soon enough! I continue to pray for strength and for my dad!

Thanks for all your support and I may not be gone but get to check in occasionally. I have a therapist appointment tomorrow and am going to try to make it!

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 823

Hello Goofy,

I know you may not get this while at the hospital but please know that you and your dad are in our thoughts and prayers.

I hope you are able to take things in stride and keep the anxiety at bay. If possible, try to minimize the coffee intake as caffeine does exacerbate anxiety.

Please keep us posted on the situation and look after yourself.

Faryal, Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Thanks to you all,

The doctor said that his cholesterol was 66 which means he is malnourished. I cook for him every two weeks, I take him meals periodically in between because the meals I cook only last a week (three or four different meats, vegetables, etc). His Thyroid is not working properly and they said this could contribute to his metabolic system malfunctioning. also his bilirubin (sp?) is elevated, his AST and ALT are out of whack. And they wanted to put him in the hospital tomorrow if he didn't appear improved.

I went out there today and started the conversation like this....Dad you are going to be mad at me AND my brother. he said, you are going to call the doctor. I said no we already did. I told him what they said, to drink Boost or Ensure, a new med, double his other meds and if he wasn't better by Wednesday to call and they would admit him to the hospital. I told him I thought he ought to go today and after much discussion (convincing) and calling my brother to get his opinion(he reluctantly agreed). We have an appointment this afternoon. He wanted me to know what bills he had paid and where the check book is/was. He was still mad, upset and I believe scared, but he is going. I think, he thinks he isn't coming home. I am taking one day at a time. No offense to anyone, but I am praying for the strength to handle what ever comes my way TODAY. I also called my psych yesterday and he said I could take the Klonopin more frequently (during the day) if needed. I have only been taking it on a prn basis in the day(occasionally) and for sleep at night (so to not have the side effects from the lamictal dreams. When I sleep during the day, I don't take it. It's like I never slept and go to bed at the right time.

I'm caught between wanting to sleep and anxiety. I am drinking coffee( I had quit) to stay awake, but that only increases my anxiety. But with stress, I just want to sleep, and do, it is my escape mechanism. I wish I could think of something else to help with the sleep besides something that increases anxiety.....but I do have the klonopin 3x a day now. I would ask for suggestions, but we are going to the hospital shortly and I doubt that I am able to get a response while we are there. If you are a spiritual person, please pray for strength for me and for dad! I'll be back!

In the meantime, you all hang in there and I'll catch up on your posts when I return. I will definitely miss this as an outlet. I have the sessions printed out, so I can continue to work on them! thanks again!!!!

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

That's right Goofy.

Hopefully you can discuss this with the doctor tomorrow.

Keep us posted on how things go.

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Rose306 I agree that the validation and need for reassurance are part of codependency, however, I also believe they are exacerbated by the depression - or vice versa. What do you think?

By the way, I did tell my brother thanks! He wasn't an ******* today(I left that part off)! He did say he wished I'd called him earlier, but it was in the context of that he would have helped, not that he was scolding me for not telling him. I told him, I didn't know what his reaction would be(a big step for me). You know when Dad dies, it is just me and him and I wish we were closer, It seems when momma died that he and I got a bit closer, then back to "normal". I am trying to focus on the fact that I have my son, his wife and a new grandbaby if he doesn't want to be close to me. He is just like my mother, shows no emotions, stoic most of the time and deals with things so much differently than me and dad - we've always been the emotional ones in the family. Dad more so as he got older. My brother and his wife look down on me - you could ask them and they would be brutally honest and answer affirmatively. It is NOT a negative belief. It's just fact. They buy into the stigma's attached to mental illness - I'm weak and feels sorry for me (again, he verbalizes this, it's not a "in my mind" thing). Idon't need pity, I need understanding! He's missing out on a relationship with a very loving and giving person - me!

Okay, rambling again. I hope the doctor talks to me tomorrow and if not, they'll take the info and act on it. If not, my brother and I got a job ahead of us. but at least it is US and not ME.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 201

wow! kudos to your brother! see, you took the bull by the horns and maybe that was the negative core belief - that he wouldn't help you - but he is and feels as you do. that is so coollllll. maybe he knew he deserved a boot and gave himself one - anyway, tell him that - thanks brother! i need you!! hippa! i'm with you, i think it just makes it harder for the patient. luckily, i got to talk to the head of the nursing home my grandmother ended up in, let him know she was depressed, paranoid and terrifed - said she was afraid to get in the car with my aunt because she was going to take her into the woods and drop her off! they gave her an eval and put her on something - don't know what, but it worked, she was happier, not afraid to get in the car and interacted/played cards with others. like 2 wks later that law was passed - who knows what kind of hoops we would have had to jump thru then just to get the info across! a nurse later told me, boy it was a good thing you talked to him when you did! i think the need for validation is connected with the codependency, not trusting ourselves enough or maybe afraid to make the decision because it may be the wrong one.....arrrgggghhhhh

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

I went to dad's yesterday, made an excuse to borrow his truck. Anyway, got upset as I drove away. Couldn't find anyone to talk to, my son was unsympathetic and thought I was building bridges until I heard definitively from the doctor. I came home and cried and cried. Finally, I called my brother, what's the worst he could do, call me crazy again (I prepared myself for it). Anyway, he said he would come over today and see what he thought and let me know.

He called this a.m. and said he would bring lunch and to ask my son over and we did. My brother was extremely upset. I apologized for calling him and he thanked me for doing so. Knock me over with a feather! Anyway, we discussed a plan of action and it feels good to have support, support I never thought I'd get from him! He actually cried too!!!!!!! Of course, dad didn't see this. If he knows, he doesn't let on.

I got there a bit before my brother and dad said he didn't really want us all over there, I told him apparently he and his family wanted to visit, it's been a month. So dad tried his best to act like it was all okay. But he isn't a good actor! We stayed for just a short time. I am still upset because they agree with me on the outcome, but I don't feel so all alone. I also for some reason needed someone to validate how I felt. Is that related to a negative core belief?

I think the boundaries is a mute point. I'm not going to have to set any, what's in place will help with what is about to occur. I just have to pray for strength to deal with each day as it comes. However, if the need arises, I will set boundaries with my brother and son!!!!!! I'm looking at that also. The swelling that occurs with liver disease is affecting him cognitively more and more each day. He is also retaining more fluid even with two diuretics. I am calling his doctor tomorrow. I can't believe they haven't called him with the lab results!!!!!! I don't know if they will talk to me because of the HIPPA laws but I am calling anyway and at least providing them with information regarding dad's condition and then they can make a determination from there. If they won't, my brother is coming over and I think we are going to "make" dad go to the hospital. And it will be MAKE! It feels better to have a plan, than going everyday, wondering what I will find. I always call first, because if he doesn't answer the phone, I'm taking someone with me.

Obviously I am worried, but coping better and have some relief that my brother stepped up to the plate and some validation for what I thought I was seeing in the progression of the disease!

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 823

Hi Goofy,

You have received some great advice here from Diva and Rose306............hopefully now that you are more aware of how you function emotionally and cognitively you can navigate your way towards establishing boundaries...........this is undoubtedly very challenging.

Hope you are feeling better today.

Faryal, Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hey goofy,

Isn't it nice to have a therapist who can call us on that stuff? I find it so much more productive! As for being here you are most welcome and thank you to you for being here for us too! Feel free to vent about this as much as you need we are here to listen!

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