EvolutionHealth.care

Home
Main Forum
Depression
Relationships
My marriage is in crisis...

Advanced Search Form

My marriage is in crisis...

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hey Mom of 3,

Wow thanks for your "well-thought-out" and insightful reply! I think you are right about expectations. I do depend on him a bit too much. You are right I can expect respect and such but I am the one who has to fulfill me! Too true!

And yes, you are right, it did irk me that I had to ask him not to yell and swear. And it irks me that through our marriage I have had to ask more then once! Deep down I do feel like he should know better! But he is trying and we have had no major altercation this week and did manage to discuss a few tiny things so that is progress I think.

As for the gaming thing, I think you put your finger on a very sensitive issue for me! I do hate his gaming for that exact reason! I feel like it is a mistress, like he likes it more then me. I feel like given the choice between me and his games he would pick his games. And I have tried to discuss it with him but he gets so angry! SO angry! But I keep trying...

I think you reply was very insightful, thank you for giving me so much to think about! Your support means a lot!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Diva,

I just read your post and totally understand where you are with this. You do and you don't expect too much from your husband. What I mean is that you have the right to expect him to respect you and to be considerate of your needs. But here is where I think I expect too much in that I want someone all to myself, I am dependent on someone else to fulfill me. In that way we expect too much. Perhaps I'm reading more into your posts, but this is true of myself and maybe you too.

I also think another reason you are having trouble is that you have had to demand that your husband not swear and yell at you. He complied but only after you said something. Deep down you feel like he should have known this without being told. In a perfect world this may exist but we are all human. You may have to accept that he is flawed in this way - his emotions overtake him. If he is trying then it is a good sign. Again this is just my impression, you would have to decide if it's true for you.

Perhaps the gaming bothers you because it is an emotional attaachment for him - like a mistress. Maybe you feel like it means more to him than you do? Have you tried to tell him this? The problem of excessive gaming is ultimately his but it is affecting you negatively. Keep trying to get him to see he's addicted.

You need to decide if the above fits you - I know it fits me. Maybe someone else has some ideas, after all my marriage doesn't seem to be working out so well.

Keep on trying Diva. It is worth the effort.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hey Breanne,

Thanks for the support.

Hey Mom of 3,

Thanks for the support. We are making progress. It is a bit up and down though. Today, things are a bit more tense. I also feel a bit abandoned this week as he is on his computer playing all the time. But he is trying to help more around the house and he has not been screaming or swearing this week so that is nice. He hasn't planned anything for me for my birthday but hey in the next two weeks I have 4 birthday parties lined-up so that is enough. I feel overwhelmed already lol! But he will attend all 4 parties with me so he is making an effort. I don'T know, sometimes, if it is me who expect to much of him or what....I can see he tries, so why do I always feel the need for him to try harder? Am I too controlling or demanding? Am I unreasonable? All I know, is that I am often lonely and feel like I can't get the help and support I need. I can't get enough face-time out of him either. His gaming is definitely an issue that won't be resolved anytime soon. But he is trying. I figure I should keep reminding myself that he is making efforts. Anyway, I am rambling. I guess I am partly wondering about all this and partly stalling from having to go get ready for tonight's birthday party lol! So off I go. Thanks again for the help!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Diva,

I'm glad to find you making progress. I hope you two are able to move past your recent history and find a better relationship on the other side of it. Good for the two of you!! Take care Diva!!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

It is definitely progress Diva!

Hope you two have a great weekend

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

This week, he has been helping with the dishes. It is not perfect but it helps a lot! He also made lunches once this week to help me out. So I guess that is progress! Oh, and we have not had any major fights this week yet, I am hopeful we get through the week unscathed.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Diva it sounds like you have a plan in place and he is agreeable. Let us know how it goes!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hey guys,

Thanks again so much for the support. It means so much to me.

I still can't say I think my husband is a controlling individual. Yes, the episode or fight about the savings was controlling. That I can clearly see. I just don't know that he is overall controlling. I am the control freak in this household. But he IS passive aggressive and angry! He holds everything in until he can't and then he yells! He gets so angry about stuff. I don't feel in danger as he is not physically threatening no matter how angry he is. But the yelling and swearing at me gets to be too much to handle. It is very hurtful. Thing is he goes from being and overly mellow to being frustrated easily. He will easily get angry about his games, about well just about anything. I often found he overreacts to mildly frustrating events.

I did talk to him though. I explained that no matter what I did to make him angry, that kind of behavior is just NOT EVER acceptable and that he needs to figure out a way to manage his own anger. He almost got angry while we were talking but he did not. I think we made some progress on the issue. He agreed it was unacceptable behavior and we put together some fail safes for him to let me know when he is getting too angry and he needs to take five. Lets hope it works.

We have not seen the therapist in a while but that is kind of her fault as she is very busy. But I will call her back next monday to try and get a new appointment. Since the weekend he had been very nice with me. A truce may not be everlasting but it is nice while it lasts lol.

So that is where we are at.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Wow Diva!

I know what you are saying and it is hard to admit you're being controlled by someone you love. But you are. Faryal put it nicely. I was recently told by my therapist that my husband is controlling. I would have never thought about it before but I see the point. He is well meaning in his but it is still control. Lately I don't think it's well meaning anymore and it's just to get his way. My first husband was so controlling of me and it showed - his nickname was The Warden.

Please know that you deserve respect and you don't deserve to be yelled at like a child. (As if children should be yelled at). Please know that I understand the dilemma you are in. Farayl is right - Will you always still be around and always forgive him? I don't think so. At some point he will use up your good graces. Going to the counselor as a third party and airing this is at least a hope. I wish you well Diva!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 823

Hi Diva,

Your husband's behaviour does need to be addressed especially if you feel he is bullying you to get his way. As Mom of 3 says, that is about nothing but control. Part of the problem is the fact you know that he takes it for granted that you will still be around and forgive him. Will you?

You are doing the best you can given the situation however you do not deserve to walk around on eggshells out of fear for his reaction. You deserve to be treated with respect even if he is genuinely angry with you about something.

When do you start the family counselling? Hopefully that will make a positive difference.

Good job making it to work given how you feel! That is quite the accomplishment.

Faryal, Health Educator

Reading this thread:

today's top discussions:

This Month’s Leaders:

Most Supportive

Most Active

Most Loved

My marriage is in crisis...