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14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hi Josie, It is hard for me to receive support here if I am not up to giving it. It makes me feel guilty...But thank you :). As for goals, I feel, well, the word in French is éparpillée. I feel like, all over the place. I canèt seem to even make a list of what needs to be done properly. But I will try. As for my husband, well he definitely is oneof the good things in my life at the moment and he is very supportive. But I feel afraid to ask too much of him as I donèt want to burn him out like I had done before. It almost ended our marriage... So I am afraid to ask for his help. But I do try and spend time with him. and I do try and take some time to do something that makes me smile and I take the time to realize when I am having a pleasant moment.

I have not been using the program or my journal for quite some time. I find it hard to get the energy to do it. As for getting out of the house, as I said, none of my clothes fits... And my husband does not like walks and I am not up to going alone...It would be nice though if he liked strolls. It probably would help to walk...

As for taking care of me first it makes me feel guilty but I have no choice as I donèt even have the energy to do that. Before last night, it had been a week since I had bathed. I feel ashamed at how badly I am letting myselg go and yet I cannot find the energy or strength to do better.

As for cuddling with my kitten, it is something I do as often as he allows lol!

I am really tired now. I think I will go lie down. Thank you for your support.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 12049

Diva,

I know you are having a rough go of it and we are here for you. You have lent much support and understanding and now it is your turn to receive it! Start small and make some goals for yourself. Have you continued to use the program? Start it again and let it assist you. You have great support in your husband, so take the time to celebrate each other every night. Spend quality time together and take the time to smile.

Keep writing in your journal and note your good days. What did you do that day? What made you feel good? getting out of the house will help you, perhaps a night walk with your husband? Not a jog , just a stroll to get outside for a bit. Our thoughts are with you and your family, this is a rough time and you can be supportive, but you have to take care of you first.

Cuddle with your kitten and know that you are not alone, we are here for you.

Josie, Health Educator

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hey guys,

I have spoken to my department director and I will be going on medical leave from school till next spetember. I havenèt been to class since the second week of september. I still have tons of paperwork to settle with school and I have no energy for it... Bleh! At least I have my medical paper! I managed to get a old of my doctor. I just realized at the moment that I missed my therapist appointment... Lord, like I could afford that...

I feel awful. I am tired all the time. I either can't sleep or I sleep too much. I have gained a lot of weight. At least 45 pounds... I cry a lot. I feel exhausted. It seems there is a word missing in the dictionnary to describe how tired I feel... I don't work, I donèt study, I stay home and play stupid little game on the computer to just try and get through my day. I don'd myself very well as I barely have the energy to fix a bowl of cereal. I don't exercise cause I can't seem to get in gear I am so tired. I feel fat and ugly and none of my clothes foit so I don't feel like leaving the house. Most of my friends don't call me back anymore...

My dad is getting another operation on his laungs for his cancer. My mom is getting divorced. One of my best friends managed to wreck his marriage and is now only getting supervised visits with his kid. My computer is broken so I have to compete for my husband for computer time. We are broke and barely managing to pay our bills.

He is good though. And he is good to me. And I have a new kitten. I don't know if I had mentionned that. He was born in May and he is getting so big! He is adorable and very cuddly which is exactly what I needed. sometimes I feel like he was sent to me to comfort me.

I feel like I am slowly sinking and I am terrified. I feel lame and stupid and I am grieving over my failure at the doctorate's. I feel like I am slowly falling and I am not sure what to grab onto. I am so terrified! I am afraid I will be tired like this non-stop and I won't get out of it.

The worse part is I know what I need to do I just can't seem to get the energy to do it...Anyway, enough whining for now...

Sorry I am not answering anyone else's posts I am just so exhausted... I know it is selfish of me and I am sorry...

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 125

Hey

been folowing your posts Diva. hope u are doing ok. How did your meeting go? You are taking on a lot so i can totally understand why it seems overwhelming.

But don't forget to post! We worry about you

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Diva, I am glad that you find my posts supportive and helpful. I want to tell you that depression interfered with my completing my doctoral degree. This was when the depression was first beginning, I couldn't bring myself to study, couldn't focus, concentrate and wasn't attending classes regularly. It wasn't until 2 years later, I finally saw the effects of the depression as at that point I was very well into the worst part of my depressive episode (from which I am still recovering). When I went to tell my (then 92 yr. old) grandmother, she replied, "well, I just wished you'd made something of yourself". Having been taught to respect my elders, knowing what a good friend as well as grandmother over the years, it was still all I could do to politely reply and NOT be ugly. I said I have made something of myself. I completed a Master's Degree, all but 12 hours of a doctoral degree, raised a son who is an attorney beginning what appears to be a successful practice, I have a nice home, drive a nice car, have wonderful friends and family. I have money in the bank. I have made something of myself.

My mom, dad and son were supportive of whatever I did. After mom and dad died, it seemed to change my outlook on life and it just doesn't seem so important anymore. I'm not saying I won't ever go back. But right now, MY HEALTH, must be my priority because without it, the things I have mean nothing. Noone can take away my education, the education my son was able to achieve (I worked hard for him to get that degree - financially) or the love I have in my life from friends and family.

I don't know your motivation for getting your doctoral degree. However, I encourage you to consider your motivation and keep things in perspective in your life.

I hope I didn't overstpe my bounds with this post.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 82

Hi Diva

Its been a long time , Im back in school myself and it is very hard to do school , work , and family, You need to do whats best for you .

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11214

Hi Diva,

It is nice to hear from you! We have missed you! I am sorry to hear you are going through a rough time right now but I think you are on your way to resolving the issue. I am sure your professors will understand. You have an illiness right now and that is not your fault. There is nothing to feel guilty about. I am sure you will be surprised how understanding they will be.

You mentioned you do not feel ready to start the program and that is ok. I am hearing you are overwhelmed and tired. The pressure, stress and guilt of schooling is probably making the situation more difficult for you. You need to decide the best action for you try, not to think about what your teachers and family will think. School is great and exciting for many people but if you feel you cannot truely invest yourself in the process it can be very challenging.

Diva, I would like you to think about a few questions. Feel free to answer or simply think about them in your own time. What motivated you to go back to school? How will you feel if you decide to post pone your classes? How will you feel if you do not? How do you think you will feel 6 months from now if you do or do not continue with your courses? How will you know when you are ready to go back to school? What will be different about you, your relationships, your life?

Let us know how Thursday goes. I wish we could all go with you and meet for a tea after!

You'll do great. Don't you forget the strong, fun, caring Diva we know! We're here for you.

Members, have you ever tried to take on goals when you were not ready for it due to your depression? How did you handle the situation?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hiya Goofy,

Thank you so much for the reply. You have no idea how much your compassion, your kindness and your support are welcome, needed and how grateful I am. I have felt lonely with this. Your reply, was the first time I have felt truely understood in a while. Thank you so much.

I have a meeting with the head of my department thrusday.I feel nervous but I think it is the right thing to do. I have spoken with my husband and he said he is behind me whatever I choose. He thinks I should postpone my studies a bit longer so I can do them right, the way I want to do them. He is very supportive to me.

I spoke to my dad. I was afraid to but he was super nice and supportive and he thinks I am taking good steps by contacting my head of department.

Now I have to speak with my mom. It scaresme. I am afraid to be a let-down for her.

I also need to call my doctor. She is so tough to reach.

Oh man, and I have to speak to my thesis director. Man, I don't know where I will start...

This is so bad. I hate this! >.< What if my thesis director doesn't want me anymore!!! >.<

I am so sad and afraid...

I feel so lame and horrible.

Anyway, I will go. I am being a complete downer.

This will get better! And thanks again so much for your support goofy!

P.S: I changed my video to the song Answer by sarah Maclachlan. The lyrics, especially the first verse makes me think of my husband. It makes me think of what he means to me. He says stuff to me that sounds like that all the time. That song somehow makes me feel better. Hope you enjoy!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Diva, I think it's a smart thing to meet with the head of the Department and let them know what is going on. I think this will help you feel better about what is going on and find out where you stand. This is very important instead of guessing.

I can relate to the hygeine issues, embarassingly enough, as you have mentioned. I never used to go a day without a shower, washing my hair and sometimes two a day based on my activities. At the height of my depression or when my depression worsesn, I'm right back there. I put that at the top of my priority list, but sometimes it doesn't get done. It's the thing that surprises me the most about the depression. I don't even care if I'm clean!

Diva Session 5 is tough, it's hard, it hurts and I think you are trying to do it alone. We are here for you when you are ready to start it again. You may need to break it down and not do too much at a time. Just one page a day/week/month. What ever is manageable to you.

I can totally relate to what you have described. I can only tell you what worked for me. I did what I could for that day. One of the things that I did do to help me get energy is exercise. I know you've heard my story about exercising the first day 3 minutes. I cried and cried, but talked to my son and he said do 3 minutes 3 times a day. I did. If only for three minutes or 1 minute. Exercise.

I wish I could say something to take the pain away or make the depression better. I can say that I know you've gotten through this before - you CAN do it again. Think what tools you used last time. Start at the beginning (I know it sucks to have to do that). But DO IT!

I don't expect a reply. I know how tiring that can be as well. But know that you are in my thoughts and I'm looking forward to Diva News! The news that tells us what you are doing to get things on track. You've taken an awesome step, meeting with the head od the Dept. so what's next?

thinking about you!!!!!!! Wishing you the best!!!!!!!!! I wish we could harvest personal energy! Then reinsert it when needed. Wouldn't that be awesome?

Also, sending you some water for that ship to float in - and remember This too shall pass!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hi guys,

Goofy, thanks for asking about me! Seems session 5 defeated me again. I have some psychological block about that homework it seems. Dunno if I find it too hard or too long...or both?

The news on this front is not so good...

I started my docotorates and I have missed 90% of my classes up to now. I can't seem to get my as* up early, eat and get out the door to go. I wake up feeling wiped out and miserable and I turn around and go back to bed. I knew it was too early for me to go back but everyone thought I should. Why did I not listen to myself! Now I am washing out of a program I have dreamed about for so long! I should of took another year off like my gut told me too. But I was afraid if I took another year off with no work and no school I would get worse not better... But I don't think failing my doctorates classes will make me feel better at all!!!

I am teary and oversensitive and I am just exhausted all the time! I could sleep and do sleep up to 18 hours some days! Most days I sleep 10 though and make myself stay up the rest of the day. But still. Plus, I catch every illness out there. And for all I know it is psychosomatic!

If I am going to be totally honest, which I haven't been, even with my therapist (go figure!), I find myself having hygien issues. I can't seem to make myself bathe everyday anymore. When I realize I have to bathe it feels like such a chore, like a giant mountain....I hate not being extra clean and yet I can't get into the shower. I have also let the house go. Since I started school my housework went kaput!

And my therapy homework...what therapy homework??? I haven't done therapy homework since my last post! I want to get back to it.

Say each thing to do is a point to three point. And my energy can be counted in points too. Well I was 50 points worth of things to do everyday and only 10 points of energy to do them. So I find myself having to choose what I will do and what I will not and what will just not ever get done by me anytime soon! I can't even get my sorry behind to class for cryiong out loud!

I am scared and angry and mostly horribly disappointed in myself. I am freaking out I will get thrown out of my program! I am terrified I won't get better or that I will get worse. Mostly I am exhausted all the time. So tired. And yet I manage to be agitated and anxious...No panic attacks in a while though which is good.

I will be meeting with the head of my department. I will tell her what is going on with me and I will hope she is understanding and can help me figure something out. I figure I have very little to lose.

I am scared and I feel alone. I feel afraid this won't get bettr. And I know whatI need to do but between school and the house I can't find the energy to do it.

I was even afraid to post here because this willmost likely be my only post today and I feel selfish not answering other people...Sorry about that.

Today I feel like a sinking ship.

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