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15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

MO3

it is food for thought only ... if you need to discuss okay ... but these are the realms of the heart and your hurt is big and deep. I do not want to push you into places you are not ready to go. Take the time to digest your food-for-thought. and see if you really want US to journey this bit with you.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Wildcat

I just read your post and it is a lot for me to digest. I admit that I do not have a ready answer for you at the moment. I did not sleep well again last evening and am very tired so that may be part of my problem. I will take some time to consider what you have to say before I really respond. I appreciate your willingness to help me challenge these issues, it helps because I get stuck in my thought processes and get tunnel vision. Thank you and I will post once I can form a coherent thought on the subject.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

MO3,

what are you doing for that open wound? what do you need to do?

do you need to cleanse it, let the infection out?

do you need stitches, help to close it?

do you need a bandage, a temporary solution to start the healing process?

My issues (plural) had so many bandages that in the end I had to rip everything off and cleanse it all out. I had to cry for what I had and what I wanted. I had to cry for for what I did not deserve. I had to learn that none of it was up to me to chose but mine to deal with. I still do not let people in too close.

MO3,

have your arguements centered on this lack of trust? where you say nay and he says yea? he Feels he has met his end and you Feel he has not? It is Okay to tell me to take a long walk ... I am jumping from your posts on miscommunications and betrayal/trust here. Sorry.

I wish I could tell you that everything is only a matter of perspective and that your husband loves you. he has been there for you and you have mis-interpreted him. I can't. I was not there. He was he could tell you. But will you believe him even if it is the truth? more trust?

I wish I could tell you that your husband loves you and would never have purposefully have betrayed you. He tried his best to understand, love and support you. I can't. I was not there. He was he could tell you. But will you believe him even if it is the truth? more trust?

as you can see I am developing a pattern I believe in. I think Trust is deeper than most feelings and devotions. I think it is the foundation on which we enter a relationship -aquantiance or lover-. If you took a chance then there was a foundation for it ... where did it go? did this open the old wound, was it open and this poke it, or did this make it even bigger?

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Wildcat,

Right now I'm very tired. I don't know where I am in terms of dealing. I've reflected on so many things and it may be that the dealing is wearing me down. I'm like a big open wound right now and I know that I haven't delt with everything yet.

I don't believe I'm even near my peak in terms of dealing, but don't know how to make it back to that place right now.

Trust is a huge issue for me. Has been for sometime, I've never been able to count on anyone until I met my husband. My trust has been further impacted by what I feel is a betrayal by him. He told me I could always count on him. He was supposed to be in my corner, have my best interests, and I took a chance and believed him. Now I feel cheated because none of that was true when things got really tough. And I am left with nothing.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

MO3

It makes perfect sense! Anxiety is a process that builds up. It starts as a small discomfort and progressively gets worse. So if you catch the first signs and relax enough to a comfort level it is much easier that trying to bring yourself down from a higher level... as you saw last night.!

So those moments of peace were when you worked from the first moments of discomfort, and the near panic in the night were more difficult to "handle". Sorry if I say near-panic, it is a habit. Usually a person has one true panic attack and the other episodes are moments where a person is afraid of that loss of control returning. So this is learned reaction. and it is a cycle that is hard to break. BUT you recognise it. Many do not and can only describe it a flash from okay now and panic in a the next moment without noticing that there was an escalation.

MO3,

you have been through a lot. and letting go is a big risk! it means trust. it means bringing issues that you buried back to light to resolve. you might not be at you peak to deal with them ... or dealing with them is what is wearing you down....? I am not in your shoes. I can only guess the path you are on. Control, anxiety, obsessions, depression, are all energy pits where we have buried something nasty and at some point have to come to terms and deal with it.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi again Diva,

It's weird but the more I try to let go the more my anxiety kicks up. All types of thoughts are racing in my head and I am having trouble concentrating.

If I am able to stop the thoughts long enough to challenge something then I begin to calm. There were a couple of times last evening when I actually felt peaceful. I did sleep a little better but not much better. I kept waking up, sometimes already in panic and others panic set in after waking. I don't know what that means exactly. Sometimes I think I panic just over the idea of letting go. Like having a panic attack over something has the power to change it - what a stupid idea! I think it's something I learned from family - a bunch of worriers for sure. I just need to stop it, and so I continue on....

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Hey Mom of 3,

I have anxiety dirsorder and I agree that the depression and anxiety are interlaced. I find my anxiety higher when I am depressed and my likelyhood of being depressed higher when I am anxious. That is why I tend to navigate both stite, depression and panic. As for being a control freak, I think most anxious people want control. I know I keep feeling like if I can just get control all will be well. The weirdest thing is, it is often when I manage to just let go that I feel the best!

Anyway, I agree that what ifs are tied into anxiety. I also agree that the negative needs to be challenged!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Rose and Wildcat,

Rose, I did have my thyroid checked recently. Reflux is caused by my hiatal hernia - congenital. Upper GI confirmed that it was the only cause. My Dad, Uncle and Grandfather all had them. They tend to make issues as you get older and coupled with the stress it can be really bad. The medication usually keeps it controlled. No - I am doing this stuff to myself with the help of my anxiety and depression. I am taking Celexa right now and my lack of sleep could be the Celexa kicking in because I just restarted it last week. It feels like my brain is on all the time so even though I'm tired, my brain is awake. If it is not the Celexa then it's my anxiety level. I do not take anything for anxiety and I don't want to, but that may have to change if I am unable to get control soon. Thank you for your concern, it means alot.

Wildcat, I read your post and I must thank you for taking the time to write to me. Your points are well taken, I have not been really been giving of my whole self. I have always struggled with being able to hand God the keys so to speak. Perhaps I am afraid that His answer would not be the one I want it to be, even when I know He is all knowing and will always do whats best. The only time I think I was successful was when my sister was ill. I truly believed she would not die and would get better. It is time to stop trying to control things by worry. That's really what anxiety is. It doesn't help anyway and I know it. Could I be that much of a control freak????

Anxiety is a source of some of my depression, it compounds it. However, I can be depressed without being anxious. I did join the Panic Center but haven't checked in for awhile because my anxiety level has only recently spiked to the degree it is now. I will go back there and I will begin to challenge the negative, I do not hand my fears to God to help me deal with them.

Thank you again Wildcat, you are very insightful.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

hi m-o-3.

I spent 2 years watching people feel better week after week in the support group. I watched them do those anxiety and phobia exercises ... and i keep doing then as well ... and i know now that i do not think and live like a person who is afraid ... thanks to my therapist. I am a worry-wart by bad-habit. But anxiety is a symptom of my illness and usually when i am headed towards a depressive episode.

anxiety is the red light on my way to the pit!

it is there to warn me that i am putting too much energy into the outside world and there is a chemical imbalance inside i have to take care of. Sleep is needed. Meds are needed. Support and less stress have to be sought.

and I still get caught

and the worst thing about anxiety is that we create it and cause our own suffering. It is not a pancreas that stops functioning, or cells that go rogue. It is a series of little things that grow with time and eventually the little thoughts become a basic part of our thinking. Yes they are deep but you put them there and you can take them out! THat is the point of CBT.

**Heavens know that when I started to doubt everything I did at work and was collecting 1000 to 1250 envelopes a week to check 2 of 3 times at the end of the week (on my time) I was getting worse with the OCD. My boss knew my problem and came over and said ... you open, you take the cheque, you look, and you trash. If you miss something we can call a client, excuse ourselves for an error and request more info thats it. That was my mantra for 4 LLOONNGG pain-FULL months of stress and I no long collect envelopes dfrom the deposit - but I cannot let them touch my desk otherwise I return to the bad habit!!!

mo3 I do know that it seems impossible. I know it feels discouraging and impossible. Remember depression plays with your feelings and motivation. Are you read to tackle your anxiety? Is the anxiety a source of your depression? I know that the group I go to is VERY effective !!! and the process needs the regular exercises that are done with people - so it is easier with those that are familiar. The PanicCenter here has them ... and we all know that you are not less a person . I wish I could give you a

hug. touch does a world of good and transmitts that something that words cannot.

Maybe, the time to give your fears to God has passed and it is time to give your whole self. Faith is a powerful gift and can heal. Give all the good and the bad, accept yourself as you are a whole person. A parent loves a child as they are and desperately wants to help and share. If your faith is stong let God in and let Him help with the bad and let Him share the good. MO3. It might be a good 1st exercise ... negative: I do not hand my fears God to help me deal with them.??? NO??

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 142

mom,
what meds are you taking? you sound like you are literally going to run yourself into the ground! please go back to your doctor and see what's what. you gotta sleep - if not - you're not going to be able to cope with anything and you need to cope right now - you gotta lot going on! do you have GAD? are your fears phobias? what are you afraid of? maybe we can help you see that in a different light. also, i'll mention again, since i'm an old fart and been through the mill - have you had your thyroid checked? that's a huge deal- could lead to the dizziness, heart pounding. re the reflux - have you had your gallbladder checked? that's a huge deal, too - could lead to nausea and the tightness you feel. mind and body. take care of yourself!!!!

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