Patrick: That was a very helpful post. Your point about PTSD was a bit of a wake-up call for me. I think I may indeed have big expectations that once the worst of the problems are passed, everything should fall neatly back into place, or even into a better place than they ever were before. It's a bit of a head-slapper to realise, as you say, that this process of recovery can take years. Thanks for that. Sylvie: I really appreciate the practical advise, it's great to get suggestions like that. Ironically though, one of my "good fortune" items is that I am getting both a change of scenery and a new challenge, and it's almost totally up to me to decide where I go and what I do when I get there. Why that doesn't seem to help in the slightest I don't know. In fact the whole thing makes me so anxious that when people ask about it I just say I can't talk about it. It genuinely churns my guts when people ask. But I will definitely take the advise in this discussion to heart, Confused's ideas about my interests (and whether they're the right ones), Patrick's ideas about having realistic expectations of this process, and yours, Sylvie, about new challenges or changes. All the other advice worked so well for me, I am sure the answer is out there if I can just find a way to learn it. Ava

Ava, Perhaps you need a change of scenery or a new challenge? Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

Hi, Ava, Being MDD is a huge thing in one's life. It's a battleground and as such it leaves us drained and exhausted and wounded even as we regain chemical balance from the meds and then some emotional balance from having confronted our own, perhaps faulty, psychology. So, whether we liked it or not we were sent into battle, we had to soldier for uneven periods over years with the usual stretches of fearful boredom and then periods of heightened panic and despair. So, we come "home" to ourselves and it takes time and study and focus on the Self to get rid of the PTSD - to "normalise" ourselves - but that is such a tall order, yes? We work at ourselves with group therapy, one on one psychiatric or psychological help and we take the meds. But we still seem to "remember"that living was more like an 8 on the Happy scale before depression and now we can't get past a 5. "Happiness" is such a hard, subjective thing to define - same as "normal" is. It must have taken me two years at least to get over the shock and the pain of the depression; to deal with the chenical and psychological balances and maintain some working 'happiness'. Now there are improvements as the months tick by and my happiness or contentment has levelled out. I function very well with my disabilities and I get "joy" every day knowing that I have resolved many of my psychological conflicts and my meds are stable and working well. I don't know what your state of happiness is like and I never will, I suppose. My happiness is internal, it's patrick-made and I protect it so that it remains durable in the face of hardships. I don't suddenly burst into song like some boyfriend of Julie Andrews, but I do smile at a cow scratching it's butt on a fence; that's big 'happiness' for me and I watch and wait for those elements. And, all that vigilance pays off insofar as I see many more beautiful things in this world than I did before I sank into major, immobilising, depression. I guess what I'm saying is that I have learned not to expect to erase all that my mind has been through and reach some earthly nirvana - this doesn't stop me seeking a touch of satori now and again! Patrick

Confused: What a treat to hear from you again. Your suggestion is a good one, but I think I've done OK on the "return to interests" section of affairs. I have signed up for courses in things I enjoy, I make spend time with friends and family, I get my exercise, it's all good. And I don't for a second downplay the significance of getting to 5. If this is all it is, so be it. I'll take it over where I was anyday. It's just made me wonder if I am wired so that I can't register as any happier than a 5. With all the things going in the right direction, knowing I am very fortunate in my life, and with great people who support me, it's a mystery to me why I don't feel the way someone else would in my situation. I feel like my life is wasted on someone like me because anyone else would be having a great time, not just a mediocre time. It's kind of embarrassing when people hear about the good fortune I have and they look at me expecting me to be glowing and they are clearly puzzled by my lack of response. Then they start asking questions "why aren't you more excited?" and all I can do is change the subject. Also Sylvie, thanks for the reminder. I admit the past few weeks have been particularly demanding work-wise and I've had to cancel a lot of personal time to get the job done. I know I am exhausted and falling asleep in meetings so it does make me wish I had more real highs to cancel out the demanding times. Still, it hasn't turned into a slide back into negative thinking too much, so that's a real relief for me. Again, I am happy with my 5, but just not sure how to break through that, or is that the ceiling for me? Ava

Hi Ava, It's great to heat that you are feeling better. Confused made a great suggestion, exploring your previous interests and activities is a great way to get back into the swing of things. Make sure to take time for yourself weekly, if not daily, this may help you to achieve a greater happiness. Keep persevering! Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

Hi Ava It's good to talk to you again, and wonderful that you're feeling better. I'm still hovering around 3, so I'm not sure how helpful I can be at this point, but I'm really hoping that the emotional meter goes above 5. Have you been getting to know your old interests again -- the things that you really enjoyed once but lost interest in while in your depths? I suppose that there may come a point for some of us where we've done enough within ourselves, and we come to realize that the lack of interest in what we're doing isn't to do with depression -- it's that the stuff we're doing just isn't interesting. That's about the extent of my thinking at the moment. Hope it helps :)

I'm very grateful to this site for the support it gave me in getting out of a really bad patch in the past year or two. But here's my question. I feel like I went from 0 to 5 on the happiness scale, but I can't seem to get much above 5 at all. I am, of course, very, very grateful to be at 5 most days and I can laugh and enjoy people easily now. But I still have low motivation and a limited capacity to be optimistic or look forward to things. So although I feel very fortunate to have come this far, I feel like there is something I haven't yet learned or understood. I am not looking to be a 10 all of the time, I realise life is a mix of experiences good and bad. But shouldn't I be able to budge the emotional meter above 5 at least some of the time? Ava