hi gang,
oh yes i am in trouble! i am writing this at 1am Sunday nite! which means I am not getting the sleep I really need.
Part of being BiPo is an energy fluxtuation... depression brings me the need to SSS-LLLLEEEEE-PPP!! and the up-swing (to hypomania) is less sleep, more speed, more energy and LOTS of distractions. I am in accounting and this is the big! week of the month (closing the books for the month). I do not need to be distracted - by lots of nonsense... So I am MORE worried and this feeds anxiety that keeps me MORE awake.
I can't even decide what dream character I want to be. I usually distract the worst of these moments by creating a fantasy story with me as the hero... it's one of the ways I was able to get to sleep as a youngster (I had regular nightmares as of 10 yrs old and was afraid to sleep and discovered if I told myself a story in my head till I fell asleep then the monsters would not come).
I know what provoked this bout ... my daughter's cold is the flu; fever, pains, and hightened gumpiness. She slept lousy Sat nite and maman sat up with her. I caught a few ZZZ Sunday morning and relaxed all day watching Memaidia. So I am not exhausted. I threw up what I OVERATE at supper and am woried about being sick.
Also, I have been thinking ... and as Maurice in Beauty and the Beast sings "it's a dangerous past-time; i know". I am not the same person I was two years ago...
* I used to shower with a good brush and two soaps every morning to remove every speck of dead skin, of bacteria, and sebum. Now I use one soap and shower every second evening. I even go to work the second morning with greasy hair. :8o:
* I used to change out of my infested work clothing as soon as I got home. Now, I have worn the friday office stuff a second (and a few times a third time) on the week-end.
* I used to be so patient and easy going. And my husband has seen me change since the birth of our son (10 yrs ago on march 2nd). I am less patient, more agressive, less energetic and outgoing.
* I am less interested in being intimate. Okay, sex was never the basis of our relationship but a tumble once a week or one in two weeks was fun. Now we kid each other with a twist on the old pick up line - do you live with your parents (we sub parents with babies). We now measure moment-times in months. I miss my husband. Also, I do not want to be seen in the shape I have become. I turn myself off!
So have I slipped into a depressed long term mood that has a few good days? Have I become a lazy, fat, crazy woman? I this just a part of my illness that i have to learn to manage? I think -I know; dangerous- I think i am learning so much about what this illness really is... I am starting to understand what it means to be mildly depressed for months/years and have a few "normal" days.
all this from insight from mucking up my sleep cycle.
BOY, AM I IN TROUBLE! :8o: