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16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

hi gang ... update on the support group ... week 9 we were talking about the two aspects of depression and bipolar disorder; environment and genetics. it got me to thinking about a whole bunch of emotional scars my father left me. one in particular ... As most teens I had a few pimples on my face at an impressional time. And rather than be supportive and make nothing of it, my father made it a point to notice them. My horns were growing. I was removing my horns. deep inside i guess i made the association that my young mind could not express. i was evil, satanic. i had to hide my true nature. i did not deserve a 'normal' life. i was not normal. he was sick. he did not know what he was doing to me. but it hurts so much !!! even now... it hurts... how could a parent do that? how could he do that to me? did he never stop to realise (to think) i was scaring my face because of him? I still pick at my skin, till i bleed am am 1000% (one thousand) sure there is no "horn" in my skin. what kind of monster did he see in my eyes... in his mind? i was never good enough for my father, and for God our Father. I begged the mother of us all to take me - everynight since I was 4 yrs old- to take me home to the home of hurt souls. As a child I begged the sky to take me to my true home and my real family... as a teen i discovered nature / pagan religions and begged the mother by so many names to come and take me... now i cry from the pain of that time that never left, that never healed, that were never revealed... only now have i finally found the words that go with the hurt. 31 years later, i have finally learned the words. good night . i am exhausted.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 172

Hi Wildcat, I am pleased for you that the group size is helping you feel more comfortable within the group. I havent posted you for a while now, tried to catch up with your posts after i got back from my trip but to be honest, i have no 1st hand experience of bi polar that i feel that while i can identify with some of your emotions, i have no real personal connection with bi polar. It goes without saying that you have my support, i just wish i could be of some help. keep posting and i will keep reading and when i feel that i can i will post you back. Take care.x

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1288

wildcat, It's great that you're able to share your story with others. This may help other see that they are not alone and may help to but things in perspective. Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

hi gang... Hey, now that the group is down to 6 / 7 regulars I am really getting into it. !!! 12 was a huge group with way toooo much energy / emotion coming at me to set up any effective bounderies!!! so I resumed my week as difficult with lots of family tensions that carried over to work... and I see I have a REAL Deep need for some solitude to recup from stress... Last night we discussed stigma and metal illnesses - and each experience with BiPo. One is so negative she cannot accept the diagnosis and is in the group to learn about the illness, its manifestations and about how others learned to accept..., and live with. Some are comfortable but why bother to explain, when professional-exhaustion is a simple "acceptable" white lie??? My discourse hovered in the zone of family. My illness is my father's illness. However, he had an allergic reaction to lithium, he just couldn't find the right combo of meds. He saw no point in talking about what was inside... he wanted the medication solutions. And he devastated the family with his crazy highs and his falls from paradise. He ruled hell with an iron fist! So my challenge was to disclose my illness and educate a few others about the illness, then my manifestations and offer a hypothosis concerning my father... and still I do not discuss it with my cousins with whom I grew up with (they are my brothers through love rather than blood). It hurts to know that I might become the butt of their ridicule and "jokes". but this is one place I do not have the energy to fight the stigma and ignorance...

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1153

Wildcat, Many people are scared of change. We are creatures of habit and we tend to be more comfortable with comfortable or familiar situations. Continue to push yourself outside of your comfort zone and work with small changes. Behaviour modification is important for self growth. Brenna, Bilingual Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

eh change.... VERY POORLY!!! we moved the office in oct 2004 and I fizzed out nov 2005. I resisted changing the layout the filing ... the new dynamics! I spent weeks crying after coming home with a new baby ... not knowing where to start with caring and loving (thank goddess i was breast-feeding!) Each new class was a reason to panic way back when I studied... and now with each new teacher for my children... i hate buying new shoes .

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 8760

Hi Wildcat, Thanks for the update! How do you handle change? Danielle, Bilingual Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

hi gang week 5 done, I think that I am gaining some ground on my self ... Last night was not so bad. I acctually listened to the thoughts that the others put out and left the emotional barriers in place. So I could see that I was sucking up all the hurt without the info. One person was talking about all the frustrations of her week and I was able to see past that and notice the "distortions in thinking" that made triggered her emotions. The theme this week was the shadow of ourselves. I tried to participate as little as I could get away with and was facinated by two of the most experienced thinkers of our group of 5... they have come to terms with much that is BiPo and anxiety. They have explored their shadow and have found some compromise and some solutions. I was able to see that the woman who lives with the manic pole of BiPo as her danger-zone and how she wishes this extreme person would just die with the meds - today. I think I lived that manic high with-out control when I was an adolecent. I had a period with no respect, no bounderies, no control... I knew the dangers and still searched for a varity of experiences and sensations. My father did not recognise my state because he did not understand our illness. It came back to haunt me a few times in cegep and university, ... even in the ho-hum boredom of maternity leaves... I think I did the booze thing at university in an attempt to gain control or in an attempt to quell the fear of returning to that state. This woman is so miserable when she fights it so she surrenders. But I have fought the craziness for so long that it is almost incomprehensible for me, now, as the adult I am to "give-in" to the moment. It is this that I turn inward and implode with. And it is one of the things I do not know how to express adequetly...

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 183

That sounds like a great plan, and I'm glad that I could help. You're so positive, thoughtful, and supportive that it's nice to be able to give back. I can definitely see you as a large feline -- lolling contentedly on the savannah while your cubs frolic around you, scary and gentle, deafening and noiseless, fierce and caring, hard and soft... :)

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

hi confused. THANK YOU. I needed that. I needed to remember that this discussion group is a learning experience and not a prison. I'll give it two more weeks. One for the facilitator to settle in. and one more to let the group get its bearing. two weeks. (5 out of 12 is good...) if all i am doing is running in circles with gotta-catch-my-tail gotta-catch-my-tail symdrome i'll look for something else. I also went to the caf and read over my lists... 10 things to remember when depressed... 10 things to remember when manic... i am better. thanks confused.

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