Hi Lady
I'll echo Perth that you're not alone. Does it help to know that there is this whole community of people, many of whom also feel isolated and cold? It's awful, really, that there are so many of us feeling this way, but at least we can connect when we need to through here.
Linking to the other post -- I don't know how to let go of the past either. I guess that's what we're working on here: unearthing all of the stuff that tells us that we're bad or unworthy or unlovable, all the evidence that we continually throw at ourselves as proof that no matter what we do we'll never be as good as we could be or should be...
I've had one big a-ha moment with this work, and the rest is just chipping away at the granite mountain of evidence I have against me. This past week, my therapist asked me what was the worst thing I've ever done. I baulked. I could narrow it down to perhaps 5, but choosing only 1 as the worst? Then he asked me what was the worst thing that anyone has done to me (besides my marriage). Again I baulked. Outside of my marriage, I've been very fortunate -- minor hurts, perhaps, but hard to think of anything that was really bad.
That's not to say that whatever you did isn't bad or wrong, just that we're allowed to make some mistakes and we very probably haven't made as many as we think we have (or they haven't had as much of an impact as we think that they've had). You didn't realize at the time that what you were doing was wrong -- what would you tell your boys if they came to you, mortified because they'd made a huge mistake?
Be fair to yourself, Lady. If ever you needed perspective, it's now, so that you can make a good decision as to what to do. Meditate, go for a run, do whatever you need to do to relieve some of the stress and clear your mind. Use the tools on this site -- I'm thinking Thought Records in particular, but use whatever you find helps you. Write here, or journal -- get that swirling condemnation (just a guess) that's in your head out into the light of day.
I want to tell you to be kind to yourself, but you're probably not in that space yet. Just know that we're here.
