We must have been writing at much the same time -- my last post was just finishing the one before, rather than responding to yours. I hope that you saw that, as it reads a little strangely if taken in the way that the posts have ended up... :confuse: I had the opportunity to take leave from my employer as well, but decided at the time that admitting that I needed extended stress leave would be detrimental to my career. Obviously my judgment wasn't very sound. Ah well, live and learn. Sorry to hear that he's not even doing the basic legal requirement. I feel fortunate that my ex at least does that. It must be so emotionally fraught and draining to have to chase him with the courts. I don't really understand why a woman would stay with a man accused of sexually abusing his children either. I really don't think that my ex's new girlfriend will see him for what he is before they're married because his style is just so subtle at first, but when an accusation of abuse like that is put right in front of you... As you say, though, that's her problem, poor woman. I don't actually have any interaction with my ex's girlfriend, as he lives a few hours drive away. My issue with him at this point though is that he's moved, and now says that the distance is too far and he'll only be able to spend one weekend a month with the girls, rather than every other weekend. It's not true: his new place is actually about 10 km closer, and it was all of a Google map for my eldest daughter to figure this out. Their interpretation, therefore, is that he just doesn't want to be with them, and that he doesn't love them as much, now that he has a new family (his gf has a daughter similar age to my girls), and I don't think that they're wrong. The girls are so hurt and angry that they don't want to see him at all, ever again. Inside, I'm all for this, but what I actually did was give him a call to let him know how deeply hurt they are and that he needed to address this before he lost them completely. Even a year ago, they would believe anything he told them, but they're entering their teens and are starting to do what most teens do which is to question authority figures. He has no understanding of this, and is angry that they won't simply believe what they're told. What do I do? Do I pull him out of this mess? Left on his own, I think that he'll try to bully and guilt them into submission which will just dig him further into the hole. At the moment, he's avoiding it all in the hope that it will go away. This weekend coming up is supposed to be his weekend with them, but he's said that he'll see them the last weekend in January. If he doesn't do something before this weekend, he will lose them. I told him this 2 days ago and he still hasn't contacted them. My instinct says that the girls will regret it if they cut off all ties with him, but I absolutely support them for calling him on his lie. (I'm actually very proud of them because he's scary when he's mad.) As I write this, I realize that as much as I hate continually fixing things for this blasted man, I'm going to have to for the sake of my girls, aren't I? I know that the girls are eventually going to see him for who he is and for what he has done -- it feels like a mantra, I've been saying it so often for so long. It really is very tempting to just let events flow as they will and not have to deal with him anymore. Thanks for letting me vent.

Ok, so now I'm not sure what else to say -- I just don't want you to feel alone, lovelybones, especially if you're where I was 3 years ago. What would help you? Besides being good to yourself...? Take care.

Yes, it's amazing how long it takes to get that "not good enough" mentality out of your head after someone has fed it to you for so long! But we will... Fortunately, my employer insurance will cover short term leave for up to 4 months at full pay, and another 2 months at 75%. So I'm thinking I should take advantage of that before I have a meltdown at work and ruin my career altogether. My financial problem comes from the fact that my ex hasn't paid support in a year (since I found out what a schmuck he is) and my other ex (yes, I have two) only pays about half of what he should. I don't make too big a deal about my first ex only paying half because at least he's a nice guy and treats my girls (even the one that's not his) with love and affection. To me, that's worth more than the money. Well, I hope your ex's new girlfriend doesn't have to go through what we went through before she sees his true colors. Dealing with the new girlfriends is a pain, but never bothered me much as long as they were nice to my girls. The last time I went to court with my ex (the bad one) his girlfriend was there with him - I could've puked! How could any woman stay with a man who sexually abused his children???? If she had any sense she would've dropped him like a hot potato. But that's her problem not mine. I get what you're saying about higher powers, spirit guides. Funny how sometimes things seem to happen at just the right time, good or bad, and turn out to be blessings in disguise...

Hi Lovelybones Yes, it looks as though I went on too long in my last post. I don't think that much was cut off -- like you did, I wrote how good it was to find someone who could understand what I'd been through, and I sent you all sorts of positive energy. Also the bit about challenging and testing -- I'm naturally analytical, so it fits with my style, but following the thoughts back to beliefs, looking for evidence, challenging and testing... it's been (an eye-opening experience. Difficult to keep the momentum, but really helpful when I do. Crashing isn't the worst thing in the world. From where I am now, I would say that it's preferable not to actually crash, but crashing enabled me to be there for my mom and spend time with my dad in the time leading up to his death. Higher power. Spirit guides. I was where I needed to be when I needed to be there, and once I'm back on my feet I'll be able to be truly thankful for that. Another of your posts suggests that money is tight. To state the obvious, crashing as I did may not be the best thing for you. There's a lot of experience in this forum -- can we advise/support you so that you don't have to get to that point? Lovelybones, you're not making this up. You're not exaggerating. Be strong in yourself, and in your knowledge that you got yourself and your daughters away from a despicable man. Despicable as you now know that he is, though nobody else may believe you, don't lose trust in your perspective. So I hear stuff from my daughters. My ex's new girlfriend -- he couldn't have met her much before September but they're already engaged. I'm not actually bothered by the fact that he's in another relationship, but it's the other stuff that's discomfiting. She's petite -- about the size of my 14-year-old daughter. She's in her 40's and normally dresses like a grandma,according to my 12-year-old (though my mother is quite fashionable). He got the girls to help him shop for Christmas gifts for her... at Garage, of all places! He's been telling me for the past 7 years that he's changed. That I was right to leave him when I did because he was awful, but he's changed so much since then. Not that I've believed him, but single parenting is not the easiest thing to do and in weak moments I think I may have imagined it all. Then I hear this and I know that it's started for somebody else... she's gorgeous and wonderful, and then... she'd be more so if her skirts were shorter and her tops were tighter. And it goes from there. Nothing is good enough. Nothing will ever be good enough. Until we're so consumed with trying to be good enough that we've lost all concept of who we are. I'm going to break now in case I've gone over -- I don't want to be cut off because I have more to say...

Lovelybones, You're on the right track. Positive self-talk and acceptance will really help you overcome some the problems that you are experiencing. This post is great, keep this thought in mind! Brenna, Bilingual Support Specialist

Hi Danielle, You're right, I'm sure part of the problem is how I talk to myself and think of myself. I hope that with counselling and this program I will learn to overcome that. Something I was thinking of the other day: What happened yesterday does not determine what will happen today. They are independent of each other. I have free will and can choose to accept or reject the positive or negative things around me. I can choose what I will internalize, and what I will not. The trauma that I have experienced does not define me. The past is part of who I am, it is not all that I am. Everyday is a new day and full of endless possibilities. My choices influence those possibilities. And I have been trying to talk to myself like I would talk to a friend in my situation. I try to extend the same comfort and acceptance to myself that I would give to someone else. It's hard to override the negative thoughts, but then again, anything worth doing is rarely easy.

Thanks, Confused - it means so much to hear from someone else who knows what it's like. I've felt so alone all this time because no one seems to understand what it's really like to have been in an abusive realtionship. I'm sorry to hear that you too have gone through the same horrible things we have, I certainly feel your pain... I'm going to weekly counselling to learn to deal with not only the abuse, but the depression that I've been pretending doesn't exist for most of my life. I've dealt with all the negative things in my life by shutting off the emotions because they're just too painful. I've tried to suck it up, leave the past in the past, look to the future and all of the usual cliches. Obviously not working so well. I feel like now I'm at the point that maybe you were 3 years ago - burned out and verging on a crash. But maybe a crash isn't the worst thing in the world. Maybe that is my mind's way of telling me that I can't ignore my emotions anymore and I have to really deal with all this crap before I can really move forward. I'm sorry about your Dad. I hope that you have found some peace from your grief now, losing someone we love is so profoundly difficult. I lost someone close to me just a couple of months ago and sometimes I feel like that hurt will never go away. Did your post get cut off? I'd love to hear the rest. Thanks again for your thoughts.

Hi Lovelybones I was so sorry to read your post and what a horrible experience you and your daughters have had to go through. I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage as well, though thankfully with no sexual abuse. I stayed for 9 years as well, and left when our daughters were 4 and 6. The thing about emotional abuse is that it's often subtle. My ex is handsome, intelligent, charming and well-respected in his field of work -- what more could a woman ask for? I made excuses to myself for his bad temper, believing that no relationship is perfect and that he'd be happier once.... (fill in the blank). In the meantime, he slowly isolated me from friends, family and outside support. We moved around a fair bit, as he tried to find a place of work that he liked, and every time we bought a new house, he'd insist that we only paint the walls in off-white, because that's the best for selling. He was out-rightly rude to any friends that I made, so I stopped inviting people over. He didn't want me going out places without him, as he couldn't be expected to look after the children on his own -- if I put my foot down and made plans, he'd pick a fight just as I was going out so more often than not I'd call and cancel because I was in tears. When I finally left, it wasn't for myself, but for my daughters -- I didn't want them growing up believing that this was a normal way of treating people or to be treated. If we didn't have children, I would very probably still be in that marriage -- a silent mouse, treading around my life very carefully with my only goal being not to upset my husband. Psychologists should know this -- even partners who are being physically abused and so have tangible evidence of the abuse often stay and make excuses. With emotional abuse, we bury the damage and the scars and can go for a long time pretending that it's not happening while nobody around us suspects a thing. It's been 7 years now since I left, and only a couple since I realized that I'd been abused. I'd been struggling with anxiety and depression for 10 years or more, and medications didn't seem to be helping much. I'd moved back to my home town with my daughters and had found a good job -- things seemed fine. But I wasn't doing my job very well, as I second-guessed everything I said or did. I deferred to the men in the firm, even if I knew that I was right. It took me forever to even write a simple email, because I was so concerned with getting the wording exactly right, so that nobody would be upset or misunderstand. I was so angry with myself for this -- frustrated at not being able to do things that in an earlier life had been so easy. I was exhausted -- I was driving 2 hours there and 2 hours back twice every other weekend so that the girls could have a weekend with their dad, and he wouldn't be so all alone; I was always running, it seemed, between the office and the before-and-after-school care, often late and paying the $1/minute fine. I was bringing work home because it took me so long to do it. My father had had a stroke, and my mother needed a fair amount of support to look after him, particularly once his dementia set in and the deterioration accelerated. I was exhausted and spiraling out of control. The straw that broke me came nearly 3 years ago -- I walked out of my job and haven't really done any work since, as I couldn't get past the belief that I'm lazy and unreliable. Dad continued down his hill and passed away about 6 months later, which threw me into a pit of grief from which there seemed to be no way out. So I've been working my way out of the pit for 2 years, and the CBT that has really helped. In particular the core belief work and looking for evidence. That I'm dull and uninteresting, lazy and incompetent, insensitive and unreliable -- the evidence actually supports the opposite. Going out and testing the

Lovelybones, Knowing and believing are indeed separate skills. It may be that you have some core assumptions about yourself that are holding you back and you will learn how to uncover and improve these as you move through the program. Don't worry, you're not alone. Many individuals with and without depression struggle with the core assumptions they hold of themselves. A first step may be to look at how you talk to yourself? Do you put yourself down? What do you tell yourself? Any patterns or themes? Where do you think it comes from? Danielle, Bilingual Health Educator

Thank you for your kind words. I'm not sure what got cut off at the end, I think I was rambling by then... I do have a question though. It seems that what I know and what I feel are totally separate. Even though I know I'm a good person and I deserve good things and such, I don't feel it. No matter how much my brain tells my heart the right things, my heart just doesn't seem to agree. Maybe I will learn in future sessions how to overcome that.