[size=2]Hi, my name is Wendy and I'm 30 years old. I've been seesawing through the wonderful world of depression since I was in my mid-teens.
In the past couple of years it's gotten a lot worse and now that I live alone I can't even blame it on other people -- there's just something IN me making me really unhappy.
I frequently experience the feeling like I'm going to cry, have cried, or could cry any second -- even though there is absolutely no reason for me to feel like that. And, yes, I also do cry, just for no reason.
Even though I am mainly pretty functional, able to operate my own consulting business, in so many ways depression is getting in my way big time. I am really tired, find myself procrastinating a lot, am irritable, get distracted easily, can't remember things, can't keep to deadlines or work as fast as I used to. Worst of all, I feel like I can't rely on myself anymore because sometimes my mood is so bad I just can't work! For example, I will play out three days of work but on Day One I suddenly get hit with it, middle of the day I have all kinds of work to do, and then I can't do it. I don't want to, I don't have it in me, I don't care, and I'd just rather go to bed and cry. It's like an epileptic who has seizures -- I can't predict it!
A few other things...
- I've noticed is that I almost always get headaches along with the depression. I will be OK, then my head aches, and along with that my mood changes and by the time my head is splitting, I am in total blackness.
- Definitely go up and down. Bad depression is normally preceding by a couple of days where I'm very happy, lighthearted, having fun, bursting with ideas. I wouldn't say I'm insanely manic beforehand, but often have a moment where I can say "I feel great -- oh, ****, that means tomorrow is going to suck!"
- Even though I generally feel lousy, I will say that there is part of my mind that always knows I'm OK. I know I'm not worthless, I know I'm successful, etc. I just FEEL terrible!
Anyway, I put all this down just to introduce myself. Right now I am at a crossroads trying to figure out what I can do to help myself. I am absolutley positive I have major depression of some sort, only I can't decide on a course of action. I've never ever been to a doctor o