:( Yeah, it's depression. The Big D, as I tend to call it. That, and anxiety problems. But my doctor gave me some lexapro to sample for a few weeks, and I'm hopefully going to start seeing a psychologist. This sucks so much. Seeing it in writing is much worse than just feeling it. Anyway, that's what happened. I just thought I'd put the conclusion on. Thank you for reading, because posting this helps.

Hi, everybody. I just joined the boards, and I thought maybe I should relate my story. I can't explain it well enough to my family and friends; it's just awkward. I really apologize if it gets long. I've never been quite the most stable person in the world; I understand not many teenagers are (I'm seventeen). But I've always been able to manage my emotions one way or another, even if sometimes I had a bad several days or week. Lately, though, it has felt like a losing battle. A couple weeks ago I started feeling like my life was slipping - I was cursing more, I haven't been to church, feelings of fear and loneliness were keeping me up way too late every night, leaving me just exhausted for school each day, and I just could not let things go and relax about anything. Thoughts of death just seemed to cling to my shoulders, and I've even thought of a couple different ways of possibly killing myself if the fear or hopelessness got too bad. I decided to tough it out, but then several nights ago I was so upset I couldn't stand to hear anything, talk to anybody, or even see light. I just wanted to lie in the dark and silence in my room. That's when I went online and started checking out information about depression - and I'm certain it's what I have. I feel like I'm experiencing so many of the symptoms. After a lot of thinking, I decided to talk to a school counselor about it. I don't think she really understood, but now my parents vaguely know about my problems and I have another long week to go until I get to go to the doctor for an evaluation. It seems realizing the high possibilities of depression have only plunged me deeper into this mess. I'm bored but don't feel like doing anything all the same. It's like I can't remember who I had been before; I feel like a dried up shell. All this just feels like sinking in a really deep pit of mud and not being able to breathe. Hopefully, in one really long week, this can all begin to be sorted out. Sorry that was so lengthy, but thank you very much for reading. Expressing this might help until I can really start hammering away at this problem, once I'm sure exactly what it is.