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exposure - fear of criticism

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11

Hi Ashley,

That's a great idea and I'll work on it. I've discussed it to a certain extent already. My folks are in their 70s, so it's unlikely I'm going to be able to change them. I need to work on changing myself and not let it bother me so much. I'm also trying to "undo the past" to a certain extent too. Like Sam said earlier, I can still hear my parents voice in my head from when I was young, even though they aren't hear.

I'm also unfortunately hammered at work with the criticism too, and according to my boss take things more personally. I need to change the way I perceive these situations too, otherwise I'm allowing others to control how I feel - which is one of the reasons I'm anxious to begin with.

I think the basis for all of this is low self esteem, which is something I suffer from. Other people simply don't let stuff like this bother them because of their confidence. I wish I had some of that. Instead, I'm hyper sensitive to all of this...

Thank-you for your suggestions!

Sven

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11226

Hi Svenhoak,

Have you tried talking to them about how their criticism makes you feel? Could you address it a non aggressive, straightforward way the next time they make you feel this way? It sounds to me like the family dynamics need a bit of a tune up. Talking about how to react more positively to eachother is important - like all relationship, family relationships need tune ups every once in awhile. Open communication is important for this. What are your thoughts?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Sven

I have heard my friend Peter tell more than one person, me included "don't should me, this is how I do it". I'd like to have a T shirt with that on it. I'm like a duck with most people, I shed unwanted advise like water off a ducks back and little of it bothers me, but I used to look up to my big brother till I saw all his faults and realized there is nothing wrong with me. So there is this core belief still but it is going, especially since being here and seeing so many people with the same or similar cores. It reinforces just how controlling they are. But I've beat most of them and the rest are fading.

Remember when you were a little kid what your answer was to every piece of advice, wanted or unwanted. "why".

Why is this the wrong glass, it is comfortable. Why is this the wrong spice, I like it. You will get a long lecture on why for which you agree by saying Uh huh. But using the wrong glass anyway. There you have just taken back control of the situation. If they persist, just as why again. Another thing I do when I get unwanted advice is the eye brow lift, it shows scepticism without actually saying it so there is no room for comment. I feel your parents will comment anyway.

I like "why" because it gives me control without actually seeming so. It also allows you to take the advice gracefully if it is sound.

But here is the kicker. Because past reactions dictate future you will have a natural tendency to flare every time something associated in the present is even closely related. It takes time to change this thought pattern so they don't trigger anxiety. It takes conscious thought also so there is more tendency to remember the negative side also which you don't want to do.

A question I have to ask. Is there a possibility you want to be like them but can't for various reasons such as it is a lot of work when it is foreign? A silly question maybe but it has to be gotten out of the way if there is a core attached to it. I had to ask myself this and thankfully the answer for me was no, I do not want to be like my brother, but I could use his money :-) .

Davit

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11

Hey Everyone!

thanks very much for your comments. upon reflecting on this matter, I've grossly underestimated the impact that this has had on me since my early years. I didn't end up going to visit my folks, its a 400 km drive, so Davit it's tough just to come and go quickly, but that's a great way of looking at the exposure. When it comes to dealing with my family picture the following:

I'm a dead body laying in a field, and my parents (especially mother) are like a bunch of crows circling around waiting to pick on me.

No matter what I do, it's wrong, and it will be commented on. Even in my own home when they come to visit, I feel completely uncomfortable. They make themselves feeling very "at home" at my expense. I've tried being assertive with them, and I then get mocked for it. Very painful.

Simple things like getting a glass of water (I used the wrong glass), preparing a meal (I always do something wrong and will hear about it), how I "should" think, how I "should" feel, what I "should" do. They are always "shoulding" on me, and it doesn't help matters that I'm hyper-sensitive to it.

So my remedy to the situation over the past decade is to never be sober when they are around. Bad idea, I know. I swear if you told me that I was getting executed tomorrow, it would produce less anxiety than telling me my parents were coming for a visit. At least at the end of the execution my suffering would be over!

Ashley, in response to your question, if my family was not criticising me I would be able to feel relaxed, let my guard down, and enjoy a visit rather than constantly preparing for the next attack. It would be swell if I could count on my family for support, rather than have to hide from them and dread their company. Just simply talk rather than criticise. say something good! They mean well truly, I do believe this in a warped kinda way, they are just incredibly negative, perfectionistic and controlling. No small wonder that anxiety is an issue in my life!

In short they "make" me feel anxious. I know I'm the one that "makes" me anxious. I keep telling myself, "I cannot control the wind, but I can control my sails", but in short a visit with my family results in me feeling very poorly which is most unfortunate.

Red, I'm like you, even though they aren't hear I can hear them in my head. Make it stop.......

Advice would be greatly appreciated.

Have a great long weekend everyone!

Sven

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11226

Hi Svenhoak,

This is a tough one. No one likes criticism and criticism can actually be quite damaging to relationships. Having some tolerance of criticism can be important but sometimes it is also important to set boundaries with family members. If you think the criticism will have a negative impact on that's completely fair and it is complately fair to want to visit your parents free from this criticism.

What would it be like if your family was not critcising you? What would they be doing differently (other then not criticising you) what are some positive things you would like them to say and do instead? Think about this and think about if you would be willing to talk to them about this. Let us know!

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2508

Sven,

No sure if this relates but I will take a chance and post it anyway..It may get criticized here too but what the heck..

My parents were perfectionists I say were because they have passed on now and I do hear that criticism sometimes even thought they are gone..It is one of those nasty negative core beliefs that I have been working on..and you know what I am finding is that their criticisms were not based on truth..because I am very good at lots of things..and yes I can cook eggs and quite well actually much better than my mother did and yes I can keep a very clean house and also much better than my mother did and yes I am very good at handling my finances and actually am much better at it than they were..I found this out by doing..and exposing myself to their criticisms, every time I did something that they said I didn't do well my mother was the worst one at doing this. Every time I hear them talking in my head I take that as a challenge and guess what I prove them wrong every time..So I guess what I am trying to say is that they can talk and talk and criticize but I know the truth and I take satisfaction in that.

Red..

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Sven

There is a thing called second hand anxiety. It is when a person passes there anxiety on to others to get rid of it. Being critical is how my brother does it. And it annoys me something fierce but then we never see each other any more and don't communicate because we don't want to. He would come visit and be grumpy and complaining all the time. I was so glad when he left.

You can at least leave if it gets to you. Have you questioned why they are critical. Parents think it is their right and forget that people grow up and have rights too. Like the right to be friends, not controlled. I don't mind suggestions but my brother wanted to control my life. My parents never did this. My brother is older than me and more successful in a way I never wanted to be so I look like a lost cause to him.

No one has the right to control you, not even a partner, comment or make suggestions but not rules. It is your choice what to do with them. Have you tried to remind them how old you are and that you have a life too. And you like your life.

There really is no way to deal with this other than to act like a cat. Love them but ignore them, that is what my cats do to me and we get along fine.

Is there a core belief behind this that is the problem. Say one that says you are required to put up with criticism. Which you now know you are not. Or how about one about unconditional one sided respect. Does the fear come from trying to fight these cores but you can't because they have been there for ever and are too strong.

There is a saying, those who can do, those who can't criticize. So you must be doing something right. And that thought is positive.

Even if you are living in a cardboard box in an alley it is your life and your right. It may be their right to criticize by their standard but it is your right to ignore it too.

So you have a choice, do it as an exercise in exposure or don't but quit feeling guilty about it. I'd recommend the first because it is probably easier.

Davit

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11

Hey Everyone,

Well I've thought all along that I don't have any fears in that I don't have any limitations like driving, elevators, snakes, etc. But I've come to realize that one of the major things holding me back is my fear of criticism and control from my family.

I'd like to go home to visit my parents, but have all these negative thoughts of them constantly criticising me from the moment I arrive to the moment I depart. I led a very controlled life when I was young, and the mere thought of going home consumes me in anticipation of the constant criticism to the point that I cannot control my thoughts and as such don't want to go visit. Of course because I don't visit, my parents lay tons of guilt on me....

I wish I wasn't so sensitive to this criticism, and I cannot understand why I let it bother me so much. I've tried to challenge my negative thoughts and as best as I can figure out my fears are as follows:

- I don't want to feel any worse than I already do

- I've done so much work trying to be a positive thinker that I don't want to go into an environment of negativity and have all my efforts up to this point "undone", and reverting back to my old ways of negative thinking.

Just simply typing this out has made me irritable to the point that I've had to go and do my tension and relaxation exercises....

Does anyone else have this same fear? Any suggestions as to how to overcome it?

Thanks in advance!

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exposure - fear of criticism