dealing with what was hiding underneath the anxiety
Hi ThinkingMom,
Learning about co-dependence really helped me to understand a lot about myself and why I was not in touch with my true feelings. I believe there is a reason why we become good at denying our true feelings, as you say, and for me, it has helped me to understand why this happened (re-frame past experiences) and grieve the loss of experiences I didn't get. I firmly believe it is important for parents to allow their children to develop without encouraging (or in my case demanding) that the child disassociate from their true selves. I say this because I now realize that as a child, I was in a family situation where I was forced to disassociate from myself in order to meet the needs of others. I feel very strongly about the importance of not doing this. Learning about co-dependence though was hard in itself because i found out that some of what i thought was 'me' is actually not, it was a reaction to a situation.
I should have asked for help with this from the start because going into all this alone is very very difficult. Like doing brain surgery on myself. impossible at times really.
Having someone who has enough insight and wisdom and who believes that I can get through this is very important to me. I don't always believe its going to get better. And I do trust people. I trust that Davit really believes people like me can be well again. even though the last itme i was truly truly 'well' was over 20 years ago. By "well" I mean, connected to myself, and able to live my life without being co-dependent.
That's been my process and experience. I do not think all people necessarily have to delve into their past but for me it has been very important to do that. I am unfortunately now at a point where I am feeling the feelings I was not allowed to feel as a child. If that makes sense. I think that will make sense to others who can recall experiences where they felt sad or angry and were forced to be silent. In this way, I have encountered a need to grieve the childhood I didn't have. This is hard and has taken me by surprise. I've worked very hard to create a life for myself where I can have good memories instead of the past being something to always avoid thinking about.
A lot of my true feelings are negative ones, sadness and anger. I'm hopeful that some additional counseling will help me to resolve and ultimately accept that these experiences happened, and that I don't have to keep feeling the feelings they created over and over for the rest of my life. I will not be able to confront the people who made my childhood miserable. It is up to me to find closure without being able to yell at them even though I want to express my true feelings (mostly rage at this point that I was not nurtured and taken care of). Everyone here helps me feel encouraged that this closure for me can and will happen.
When I say reframe, what I'm negotiating is a process where I went from believing that i grew up in a happy family (because i was consistently told that we had no problems) to reframing my memories to be more accurate to how I felt at the time and what I know I needed as a child, to the next step (which I am not at yet) where I reframe them yet again in my mind to accept that no, i did no grow up in a happy family and no, i did not get what i needed in order to be emotionally healthy but yes, i can move on and have a better life now. Lately i've been so upset at not getting what i needed as a child its pulled me down a lot.
Davit I am glad you keep reminding me to have patience. I am trying to rush a very important and complex process. Its as if I'm a surgeon trying to do a major brain surgery in an hour! Processes take time. I'm often rushing.
