I've been 'down' for about two years, getting progressively worse as time goes on. My Doctor started me on Celexa a month ago. I just took the Goldberg test on this site, scoring a 65 - severe depression.
My wife knows I'm on Celexa, but doesn't really get how bad I feel, and to be fair I haven't really expressed it. I don't know if friends and coworkers have noticed anything. I'm pretty good at acting normal.
I haven't really talked to anyone about what's going on. I don't understand it myself. I feel sad, worthless, tired. I wake up after a couple of hours sleep, then fret for the rest of the night. I frequently think about death.
At the same time, if I consider the details of my life on at a time, I can see that I'm lucky - good job, good family, friends who care. But as soon as I stop concentrating on the details, I feel like crap again. How can I feel terrible about things I know are good?
Well, I just finished a week long professional development course that should have left me feeling positive and uplifted. There were times during the course when I did feel like that. But as soon as I was done, I began feeling depressed again.
Next week I have another event that celebrates some achievements I am involved in, and I dread the whole idea. (I'm being vague intentionally). I think I'm going crazy.
About two and a half years ago, I lost 40 pounds, out of about 50 or sixty I needed to lose. I felt great about that. Then I began to suffer from cluster headaches. Terrible, terrible pain, and nothing to do about it. After about six weeks, the cluster headaches went away (except for one last year, which scared the heck out of me).
I think the headaches were the trigger for the depression. I started to feel down, gained back the weight I had lost, was put on blood pressure meds, now antidepressants too. And I had to have my gallbadder out late last year. I'm a mess.
I've done session 1, as well as research about depression from other sources. I'm no doctor, but I think I have a grasp of symptoms and I understand that there is a chemical imbalance at work. What disturbs me is the disconnect between what I know and what I feel. I know there are lots of people who support me and think I do good work. I feel worthless and useless. The two things should be incompatible, yet they both exist in my mind at the same time.
You are very encouraging. I've been taking Celexa for four weeks, but it doesn't seem to be doing much. I see the doctor again on Thursday, we'll see what happens. Again, I know that medication takes time to work with depression, but I'm so very desperate to feel better.
I'm also trying to figure out what, if anything, I should be saying to people. At this point, only my doctor and my wife know. Should I tell my boss? Coworkers? Friends?
I've been taking Celexa for a month (started May 18th). I understand that it can take longer than that to really work, but I'd like some advice on things to look for. For example, a couple of days ago, for a few hours, I actually felt happy. And for a few moments, practically giddy with joy over nothing at all. Then back to the blues.
Does that sound right? I was expecting a sort of gradual improvement, not a sudden peak like that.
Sally, I don't think the 'spike' is something to be envied - it made the return to depression seem a little worse. If I get gradual, continued improvement, that would be great.
I think I'm just barely out of the stage you described, of not caring enough to even try to get better. Maybe still in it, though coming to this site is hopefully a positive sign. I almost didn't say anything to the doctor. I'm not sure even now why I went to him, I was feeling so hopeless. I was also a little worried about getting locked up as suicidal.
But over the last week or so, I've sensed some improvement. I don't lay in bed for hours pondering the pros and cons of death. I sleep a little better, and have actually had some dreams. ( don't think I had a dream for months, at least none I remembered after waking).
I've told no one about any suicidal thoughts, except here. I know I need to. I also feel like I need to keep it to myself, and right now feelings triumph over thoughts.
For the last few days my mood has been going up and down. Not exactly happy, except that once, but from very down to only a little down. This goes on several times a day. And frequent mild headaches. I really need to talk to the doctor more. But there seem to be things happening in my career that are positive (or at least that I know should feel positive), and I'm afraid that being more open about my depression will result in more treatment, which may affect that positive change.
I also wish I could be more supportive of all of you, like you are with me. I feel very selfish.
I find your posts alarming and sad, brave and inspiring. You are extremely courageous to open up like you have.
I'm not a doctor, so I wouldn't attempt to offer a diagnosis. BUT... Have you returned to your doctor recently? I know being tired is a symptom of depression, but chronic fatigue syndrome is linked with depression (50% of cases). I'm sure there are many other things could cause fatigue, and should be investigated.
Please don't despair. I count on people like you on this site to keep me going.
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