I'm Suzy, a 50 year old professional. I pride myself on researching my own illnesses, diagnoses, drugs, etc - it's my life after all. I was orgininally diagnosed as bipolar II about 7 years ago (which means I get more depressed than manic but I get both - Wheee!!) but I now believe that I don't get manic. My psychiatrist believes that drugs are the answer to all mental problems, while I believe that people can play an important role in helping themselves if given the encouragement and opportunity. My phychiatrist is constantly amazed that I continue to hold down a senior management job at a very large company. Doesn't think I should be able to do it. I want to emphasize that I have never simply stopped taking my medications. I have altered doses or substituted drugs he previously prescribed for me after significant research and he has never argued with me. I guess he figures as long as I am chugging along, its ok. Anybody else out there taking control of their health like that?
Muggins. I was first diagnosed by my GP who put me on Paxil. I think that triggered what was believed to be mania on my part. Became quite the party girl - drinking, flirting outrageously, keeping I think 5 men on the string at once. Then I got concerned that I might be developing a drinking problem like my parent did, and told my GP. He sent me to a phychiatrist who decided that the meds I was on (I was on others for other reasons as well) was too much. He weaned me off the Paxil (what a nightmare) and put me on Lithium and some antidipressent as well - I've been on so many now I forget which ones were in what order. The Lithium gave me the shakes and a lot of weight, and with HBP already additional weight is not a good thing. So then he droped the Lithium and put me on Divalproex. Have been on that for years as a mood stabilizer to balance the antidepressants. He is most concerned that I will think I can fly off buildings or something foolish (mania) than committ suicide (which I have come very close to on several occasions). Lithium is the "gold standard" for to balance mania but many people cannot tolerate it. So Divalproex is the next best thing and I have found no physical problems with it. But that's me. For me, it is used to level off the highs of my 'sine wave" of emotions. The problem is that without the highs, I cannot make it through the lows. And the combination of meds I am on (or have been on) don't ease the lows enough. So right now I am not on Divalproex. I am treating myself as though I have no MDII, and so far have had no desire to do anything manic. However, I regret to say that the lows are as bad as ever.
All that being said, talk to your dr about Lithium. I have heard of a number of people for whom it worked very well. If not that, then ask about Divalproex.
CraZ,
I've never used one of these before either. But I'm not getting any better and am looking for ideas, anything that might help.
Maybe I share some of the same sort of feelings as you. Partly, I can't help but feel that my support network inevitably has to get fed up with the ups and downs of me, never knowing who they will be with - the happy me or much more often the depressed me. They can't rely on me. I am a burden, and I hate that.
I have read a lot about this illness, and talked to Drs, and explored meds of all sorts (prescribed). While I know that this is an illness, it feeds off of one or two episodes from my childhood that I cannot, or will not, let go of.
I find myself aprehensive about starting the CBT program, not because I think it won't work, but honestly - because I fear it might. And then I will have to step up and be a whole person without this illness to fall back on. You know the army slogan - be all that you can be - well if I get better then I will have to step up and be all that I can be, and that idea scares me.
And I find this very shameful.
Right now I would rather disappear off the face of the earth, than live another day. I have nothing to look forward to. But I've been here in the dark pit often enough to know, or believe, that this will pass. If not tomorrow, then maybe the next day. I just have to hang on.
What I really don't understand, is why someone otherwise thought of as being very intelligent and respected, is sabotaging herself this way. And I don't really know if I can fix the problem until I understand the why. Will the CBT help with that?
I've rambled.
Be brave CraZ. Talk to us. Someone else has been where you are. We can help each other.
Y-claire
I know what you mean about trying different plans and them not panning out. I come up with plans, ideas, and I start to work on them, and something external happens (like I got summoned for jury duty!) that throws my emotions for a loop and my good intentions get torn to shreds. (It was suggested that I might not be fit for jury duty because of this illness, and that caught me by surprise - took me a while to work that one through.)
I don't like surprises. The only way I know how to behave is if I have a prewritten script in my head. If something happens that I don't expect, I don't know how to react, so I freeze, retreat or freak out. All bad options.
I have a genetic history of emotional illnesses as well. But we have so many more tools at our disposal than previous generations. So many more types of baby steps to try. More and more people are talking about this illness, and shaking off the shrouds surrounding it. It just takes patience and finding the right steps. (I feel like I'm giving myself a pep-talk ... maybe that's a baby step!)
One, two, buckle my shoe.....
Suzy
I vaguely remember seeing "Mr Jones", but that was before I became ill, or at least recognized it. I haven't seen it since to draw similarities. Based on what you said, probably a good thing!
I have done the rapid speech thing, and thinking I was ever so clever when I was manic. I couldn't understand why people were looking at me as though I had cabbages growing out of my ears. The next day I was so embarrassed. (Unfortunately my manic highs don't last long. My hypo-mania lasts longer, but never long enough.) Now I am so very aware of any behaviour of mine that might be construed as inappropriate that I think I put my own cap on, I retreat whenever I feel mania coming on for fear of that "cabbage" look, and the potential repercussions. My closest friend says that I rarely have any fun anymore, and he's right. I don't let myself for fear that I might "fly".
I miss flying.
Re handling it at work: I have taken 2 people into my confidence about my condition. They see me frequently as part of the job, and they are both well able to identify manic behaviour and tell me that I may be out of control, or heading that way. When that happens, if I can't bring it down myself, I go home. I am lucky enough to be in a position where I can do that.
I'm having a bad time now. Was sliding down all week, then bounced up Saturday morning to just a normal person functional level. Now down again. Functioning one day a week is just not enough. And right now, I don't know what to do to help myself.
I have never been hospitilized for this, but my family has taken my meds away from me a couple of times. My husband was very close to taking me to the hospital once, but I started to climb out of it myself. I haven't been suicidal in over a year, and am not now. But I don't have any new ammunition to throw at this.
Sorry... whining again. I am lucky - I can see that in the big picture. I just have no ideas on how to help myself - right now. Before I have to go to work tomorrow and be the responsible person again.
Suzy
Wildcat,
I think most people will need meds for the rest of their lives. Some may be able to manage without, but from everything I have read and been told, that is rare.
Personally, I have no problem with the concept of taking pills everyday. I have had to take something for high blood pressure since I was 18 (a long long time ago). So it's not a big problem. Really. In the scope of what we have to deal with, swallowing something with a little happy face on it every day just isn't a show stopper.
I can see where it might be troublesome for some one who isn't used to taking regular medication. But it helps so much, that it is worth trying to make the adjustment. Try to think of it as a vitamin for your mind. Maybe that will help.
Suzy
Madara,
I had to toss in a few titles here.
"An Unquiet Mind". Made me realize that I'm not as badly off as others are who are depressed or have B-P. Written by a psychiatrist who is manic depressive. Not a hard read for a non-medical person.
"The Noonday Demon". Again, made me count my blessings. Also helped put things in perspective.
I tend to focus more on books on manic depression since that is my affliction. But there is one more I am slowly working my way through that is applicable to all mental disorders I think, called "The Brain that Changes Itself". Quite a different approach, maybe there is something in it that is useful. I'll know more when I finish it. But this one is hard slogging compared to the rest.
Suzy
Thanks Patrick.
I'm better today. I've tried upping my morning Wellbutrin by 50 mg every other day. So now a total of 350 - 400 mg on any given day. Other drugs too but I'm not changing those at the moment. Hopefully that will help for a while. My Dr says that fall is a bad time for bipolar people, so maybe that is a factor.
I know what you mean about telling people, confiding in people. It's like we lead two lives. One we can share, the one without the depression battle; one we have to keep mostly to ourselves because the rest of the world just doesn't want to know. I'm sure that duality doesn't help us.
I saw in another post of yours that you used to live in Canada, and you spent some time in an inpatient facility here. It's good to know that it worked for you. Despite cutbacks I still think our health system is darn good all in all.
I also read that things are looking pretty good for you right now. That is so great. Having the support of someone you love makes everything seem possible.
Suzy
One disturbing thing that my psychiatrist said, and that I think has damaged me, is that I am "broken". I think that has crushed, or dampened, my desire to live a full life. It's made me believe that I cannot. A full life is beyond me.
Have you run into anything like that?
Logically, this doesn't make sense. I am a whole person who happens to have an illness that makes life suck every so often. So? Who is perfect? But I have this thing with authority figures, and Dr's are authority figures, and am having a hard time dumping this comment as the hogwash my mind tells me it must be.
Suzy
Patrick.
That is a tough situation to be in. My husband echos my depression. When I get depressed, he does. He compares his to mine, but I really don't think it's the same. He feels blue. I feel hopeless. A crying puddle on the ketchen floor. When I start to perk up, so does he. So that makes me responsible for not only my own mental heath, but his. (I know, not really. But he isn't an emotionally strong person and events in his life have left him without a lot of self confidence. Me too, for that matter, but I think I have more than he does. I digress.) You two need to come up with a non-antangonistic signal to identify "Danger, Will Robinson, Danger" - do you know the reference? If you're a science fiction geek like me you will. But something that doesn't offend, but lets the other one know that there are dangerous waters ahead and to tread carefully. A key word. A colour of clothing. Something so that neither of you get the full brunt of the other's depression vents.
I'm happy to say that today was also a good day. The rest of this week I am on a course on making effective presentations. Many people have asked me why on earth I am taking this - unlike most people speaking in public is not especially frightening to me, I tend to do it quite well. But it's one of these things I have to do to meet work expectations. Next week is Thanksgiving, and our provincial election, and the following week I am on jury duty. So I really hope that this balance of meds holds me for a while.
I'd be interested in knowing the generic name for that drug, to do some research on it. I can probably dig it up on the net but if its easy for you to find, I'd appreciate it.
Gotta hit the sack. Early day tomorrow.
Take care,
Suzy
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