Ever wish you could go to sleep and not wake up?

That intro may be overly dramatic - I'm not saying I have any thoughts of doing myself harm, more just an increasing desire to be released from the daily emotional pain I go through. I've never engaged in any suicidal attempts, unless you count excessive drinking, smoking and risky (unprotected) sexual behavior as some kind of subliminal attempt to do myself in. I've already been through the whole panic attack thing - out of control attacks for 3 years which I finally recovered from by doing alot of reading and a good internet self help group. Funny thing is during that whole time I didn't FEEL depressed, whereas now I definitely feel it. I got myself out of a bad marriage and subsequently have had several failed relationships with others that have left me feeling empty, hopeless and ALONE. I'm here because I really don't know how to get over this. I'm not willing to take depression meds - I've seen what it does to others - becoming a zombie and losing all touch with any kind of feelings whatsoever is not the way I want to get past this. Why even be alive if it means popping a pill every morning to keep you from feeling anything? Although I have parents and siblings that care for me, I don't feel I have anyone to turn to. I don't want to burden my family (they have their own problems to deal with), and feel guilty as it is that I have let depression take over my life. I SHOULD be happy - I have my health, my home, and success in my career.....but I am ALONE, and that is something I just can't seem to get past. I guess if I felt it was a temporary thing it would be one thing, but after all that has happened I feel like I am destined to live out the rest of my life by myself, and the thought of that is more than I can bear. I know I can't be the only one that feels like this...that's why I'm here. Any advice would be great.

Constant Intrusive Thoughts

Hi wishing well - wow, you describe it well...."running out of options" that's why I'm here too. Do you have any idea what is causing you so much pain? They say that determining the source of your pain is the first step to recovery, and yet knowing mine hasn't made it any better. I concur with your feeling of dying - I'd never take my own life, and yet every night when I go to bed I have a sincere desire to die in my sleep and be able to finally escape the pain that starts the minute I open my eyes every morning. I can't offer you any advice cause I'm in the same boat, other than to say you are not alone in your feelings of emptiness and total despair. Why does life have to be this hard?

New here, old to depression

Hi Sum guy: Depression has been a major part of my life for over 10 years now too. I haven't been medicated or institutionalized, but its certainly kept me in "prison" one way or another. My holidays sucked too - I didn't go home because I was alone and didn't want to be around my brothers and their wives when I had no one. I'm sorry to hear about your relationship - I wish I had someone who loved me more than anything else in the world, that's more or less the main reason for my depression. I have everything else a person could want, great parents/siblings, my health, my looks, my home, success in career, but I'm still alone and feel like I'm going to spend the rest of my life this way. Bottom line is the rest of it doesn't add to much when you don't have someone to share it with does it? I'm sorry you're alone too - my heart goes out to you.

Anxiety

Hi Iqon: I am so sorry to hear about your loss, and sorry to hear you've started having panic attacks because I know just how scary those can be to go through. You've done the right thing in joining a group discussion because honestly, having gone through it myself, no one except those who have experienced them before can truly understand what you are going through. I had bad panic attacks for 3 years - result of an unhappy and abusive marriage. Like you I thought I was dying and it wasn't until I found some tapes and a few internet anxiety sites that I was able to final get a handle on it. I'm over the panic attacks now - still struggling with the depression, but you CAN get over the attacks. As far as controlling it, my main motivating factor was that I was afraid of becoming Agorophobic....so I forced myself to continue to do the things that scared me. I was so convinced I was going to have an attack and die that I hated ever having to leave home - long drives out of town in rural areas with no hospital, travel by air, travel to anywhere my cell phone lost service were my biggest fears. Even at work - being "trapped" in a meeting with other people and fearing having an attack and being embarrassed..it touches so many areas of your life. I don't know if your attacks have gotten this bad, but I'm here to tell you that you can and will get over them. As far as the emotional pain you're going through, I can't tell you about that since I'm still trying to figure that one out for myself. The best of luck to you friend.

Ever wish you could go to sleep and not wake up?

Thanks for your response WishingWell. Like you, I have little energy or desire to do anything but stay at home in front of the computer either. It is exhausting to have to be around other people and put on a happy face so that no one knows what I'm dealing with. While I was going through my own self therapy for anxiety, I found that talking to people I didn't know through the internet was the easiest way to be able to honestly express my feelings....like you said, no need to sensor anything. It took me 3 years to get over the anxiety, and god help me I hope it doesn't take that long to get over this depression because I don't think I'll make it.

Ever wish you could go to sleep and not wake up?

Dear Ms. Puck: I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. Like you, I have my good days and my bad days - and you sounded like you were having a real bad one - probably were crying at the time you wrote your post...I know I was when I posted for the first time on this site the other night. As far as your idea, I don't particularly like cruises - have you ever been on one? I have done alot of traveling in my life (mostly in Europe) and cruises rate low on my list because they are boring! Just a bit of silliness there - I know that wasn't the main reason for your post. You obviously are a worrier and have a hard time feeling like you fit in with others...but really, do you know many people you would want to "fit it" with anyways? What I have found over the years is that there are ALOT of dysfunctional people out there - and that includes the ones that come off arrogant and/or seem to have everything going for them. I've long since stopped worrying about whether or not people like me, because truth be told most the time if they don't like me, I probably don't like them either! Please don't spend your time worrying about what others think about you- we have enough to worry about without adding that to the list. As far as the feelings of aloneness, I share your pain. I have a very hard time finding people I can relate to. I find that people around me spend little time thinking about anything other than making a bunch of money and buying a bunch of things. Few place as much importance as I do on family and the priceless gift of love. We all want someone we can share ourselves with - people that will be the witnesses to our life, because without those emotional connections all the rest of it (the new cars, houses, etc) don't mean ****. I am living your "dream" - I reside in a rural area outside of town in a log house on 5 acres with horses....I have to drive 15 min. just to get to a gas station and 30 minutes to actually get to "town". I can spend as much time out here alone as I want - without running into anyone. I can watch the sun come up and go down by myself, uninterrupted every single day. I wish I could tell you that this lifestyle eases my pain in some way, but loneliness is loneliness wherever you are. Don't lock yourself away - ma

Is there another of these message forums that has more activity?

TryingToMakeIt, I just started posting here last week, but in response to your question about getting responses to your posts I think if you write a little more about yourself and what's going on with you then you might get a little more response. I read through alot of other people's posts, and it seems like people respond more to the posts that are more descriptive in nature...I know I do. Its hard to know what to say to someone if you don't know what's bothering them! So, I don't know what is happening with you but I can say that support groups for anxiety and depression have always been a help to me. Sometimes its easier to "talk" to people you don't know than your closest friends or family. Good luck - don't give up on the group help!

Which comes first - low self esteem, then depression or other way around?

Hi all: reading through everyone's posts and doing alot of self analysis lately I've begun to wonder if low self esteem causes depression or if its the depression that causes the low self esteem? I know in my current situation, alot of the problems I am having in my own relationship have to do with a low opinion of myself. I have a hard time believing my guy loves me and/or that he won't change his mind about me sometime in the future. We have a strong desire to get married, so we have been trying to work through the self esteem issues (on both sides) in order to have more confidence in each other - but then I wonder if once resolved the self esteem issue will remove the depression, or if in fact I have an overall depression that is CAUSING the low self esteem? I guess I'm asking because I truly want to get better - I want to understand why I go through life with this heavy mental burden all the time when I have no reason to feel the way I do. I refuse to believe its a chemical imbalance - hell, all women have hormonal fluxuations but that doesn't mean every last one of them is depressed all the time...which means that a person can live with an imbalance without succumbing to major depression. So, why do some of us go through life depressed, while others push forward without any concern over whether or not they are the kind of person that they should be?

Can you look to the world like you are happy but on the inside be so sad and mixed up?

I agree with Rayne wholeheartedly. I am VERY good at hiding my true feelings, especially around people I work with and socialize with. I guess I do it because a) I don't think most people would care about my issues even if they knew b)I like appearing stronger than I really am c) because I've always believed in the "fake it till you make it" philosophy - hoping if I ACT happy then eventually I will BE happy. Unfortunately, like Rayne said, hiding those feelings from everyone and myself ends up making the situation worse. When we camoflage our emotions, our sadness often comes across as something else- we get meaner, colder, irritable, indifferent..and treat people accordingly. How are others supposed to know how to respond to us if what we are showing them isn't what we are really feeling? I have only just begun to understand that alot of the reason people don't respond to me the way I need them to is largely my own fault - I can't expect people to read my mind. Maybe if we were more open about our fears instead of worrying about appearing weak, we'd find that others are going throught the same thing and would be more than happy to help.

depression without self-loathing, anyone else experience this?

Hi there: I don't know what experiences have caused you to plunge into depression so its hard to say if it has anything to do with self esteem or not. I hear what you're saying, and I am more or less in the same boat, although I do believe that indirectly self esteem is playing a part in why I'm depressed. Like you, I don't "hate" myself - I am proud of what I've accomplished in life, think I'm a decent person, am content with what I look like - in other words my depression is NOT based on feeling entirely worthless. I have little desire to interact with the rest of the world either - dealing with people requires more effort than I'm willing to expend. I am bored - very few things even peak my interest..if I had a million dollars and was told to go make myself happy, I wouldn't know where to start. I say that self esteem plays a part in my depression because ultimately I never feel like anything I do is good enough. There is a reason you don't want to interact with other people - like they say, you have to love yourself before you can love others...so if you hate others, doesn't it stand to reason that on SOME level you hate yourself? I could be totally off base, just giving you my perspective.