Dear Group,
I have been suffering with severe clinical depression all my life although I was only diagnosed about 8 years ago. I came across this site today as I was searching for some help. I have not been doing well lately, and was really looking for someplace to talk to others who would truly understand. I see a therapist approx. every 5 weeks, and am on Zoloft and Wellbutrin. I am very concerned that I am not feeling better than I do considering what I try to do to help myself. I do ok for a while and then my mood just drops quickly. I know right now I am having trouble becuase this is my first Christmas without my father. He died last February, and we had a great relationship. I miss him very much. But other times there really isn't any reason for me to be sad. I understand that the doctors have told me that my problem is chemically induced and that I shouldn't feel like I am "weird" if I can't "pull up my bootstraps and move on". The thing that bothers me most of all is what this does to my husband sometimes. I love him with all my heart, and I love being married to him, but when I am really low, he often makes comments that he feels like he isn't enough to make me happy. That couldn't be farther from the truth, and in a "perfect world" I wouldn't have DO and he would know just how happy he does make me.
Wow, I really need to stop right now. This is more than I have shared about my feelings in a long time. I will stop babbling now and just say hello to everyone. I hope my ramblings haven't scared anyone. I'm really not this talkative most of the time.
rlkelly[font=Comic Sans MS]Text[/font]
I just needed to vent a little and I know he wouldn't agree but I always worry my husband will get tired of hearing me. I start back to work tomorrow after almost 2 weeks off and I am really anxious. This was a really hard Christmas for me as it was the first one without my father. We were very close, and it has been a long hall. That continues to weigh on me more some times than others, but I also struggle a lot with changes in my schedule. Even going from the weekend to Monday is often hard for me, so after 2 weeks it is even worse. My stomach is rolling and twisting so bad sometimes I feel like I'm going to be sick. My husband tries so hard to be supportive and encouraging, but sometimes I feel badly that he has to put up with me when I get like this. I get so frustrated with myself when I slip. I think I'm doing well, and then boom, I'm crying all the time, I just want to sleep, and I either don't want to eat anything at all or everything in sight. It is very discouraging when I do my meditation, journaling, therapy, prayer, and sitting in front of my "happy light" as my husband calls it, and still have such low points. Well, I'm going to get my clothes ready for tomorrow and see if I can get myself calmed down. Thanks to anyone who listens.
Martha,
I know it's been a while since you posted this message, but I just joined the site and was really touched by your posting. Please let me know if things have gotten any better for you. Your husband is being very selfish and childish, but I agree with Sharon, this is not the best time to make a life decision about your relationship with him. Do you attend a church? Did you find a new psychiatrist? I also agree he may need to attend therapy as well to deal with some of his "issues". Again, please let me know how things are going.
kelly
Sharon,
I'm new to this group, and don't want to interfere with your discussion with Gabbi, but I was pretty moved by your postings. I was out of work for about 2 months when I was first diagnosed, and I know how paralyzing it can be at the prospect of going back. It is so important to just take one day at a time and make little goals for yourself. I know that may sound like a cliche, but I found that one day/one hour/or even one minute at a time is all I can do. Just know that I'll be praying for you as you start back to work. The ups and downs are very frustrating, but with support we will all get through it together.
kelly
Sharon,
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I went back today and other than the fact that I was sick (I've had a cold and an ear infection for over a week) it wasn't bad. I usually do better once I'm there, and today was no exception. I was very glad I went since my assistant wasn't there this morning and I didn't know she wasn't going to be there. My students have a hard time when one of us is gone and it is worse when both of us are out.
I definitely agree with you, Sharon, we are two of the lucky ones. I know many people don't have the support and understanding of their families. I thank God every day for him.
Thanks for your encouragement and support!
Kelly
Sharon,
I am a special education teacher in Ohio. I live in a very small town near Cedar Point. I enjoy my job very much, but like I said it is really very hard when I go back after a break. I am also diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder.
How did your first day go? How did the trip on public trans. go? It's always good to know that you have an "out" if you need it. What do you do? Was there anyone there helping with your responsibilities while you were gone?
I know your fear of trying to take everything on and wanting to fix everything. I do the same thing. It is my new montra to keep telling myself "I'm not in charge, I'm not in charge, I'm not in charge." :) It's important for us to remember that no one is able or expected to do everything, and if your co-workers don't think that way it is our responsibility to kindly let them know what is and what isn't within our job descriptions. People will actually start to respect us if we stick up for ourselves without being mean about it.
Let me know how your day went! :)
Kelly
Sharon,
I have been where you are as far as wanting to hurt myself. At one point my husband stopped me from driving because I often thought of going left of center. It is a scary place to be. All I can say is please don't do anything to hurt yourself. There are those who care about you, and would suffer greatly without you. I know that we don't really know each other well, but I know that your encouraging words have meant a lot to me already and I would really like to get to know you better. It has been nice conversing with you.
Even more important than me is that God loves you. I don't know where you stand as far as your spiritual life is concerned, but I do know that He does love you. He also knows how we hurt, and even when we don't feel Him around us He is there. I hope this doesn't offend you, but knowing these things are the only reason I have been able to last as long as I have. If it weren't for God and my husband I wouldn't be here today.
I hope you continue to work at getting through one day at a time, and know that is all we can do, or all that we are expected to do. If we continue to support each other, we can do this! :o)
I'll be praying for you.
Kelly
Gabbi,
Just wanted to check in on you and see how you were doing. I haven't heard from you in a couple of days and just wanted to say hey. Thanks so much for your welcoming words and letting me know I wasn't interfering with your discussion with Sharon.
Hope all is going OK
Kelly
I'm so glad things are going ok for you. I am very glad that today is Friday! My students were crazy wild this week! It's great to hear you're having such positive thoughts. It is sometimes very difficult to keep those thoughts coming. Small things that just put a blip in other people's lives, can bring us crashing down. Hope all continues to go well! Have a great weekend!
Kelly
Desperately,
Thanks so much for the welcome to the group. I never thougt of the issue with my husband like that. I do know that when I am really low his feelings are a bigger concern to me than my feeling better. Maybe it does keep me down longer than I would be if I didn't worry about him thinking I don't love him. I will take your advice and have him come with me the next time I have a therapy session. He really likes my therapist, and has attended before, but we haven't talked about this specific situation.
Thanks again for the welcome. This group has been a great help already.
Kelly
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