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Posts created by Carmen

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 9

Hello there

Hi everyone,

Today is a good day so I am able to take the time to post. I am a relapser. I had panic/anxiety/agoraphobia about 13 years ago and I managed to overcome it enough to function in my life and do pretty good. I worked hard as a counsellor for pregnant and suffering teens, was self employed for 10 years teaching prenatal classes and running a daycare.

You would think that would give me hope....Today it does. Yesterday not so much.

Last year I went to college full time, separated from my husband of 14 years, formed a new relationship, became pregnant, found out my baby had died halfway through my pregnancy, delivered her still born, developed an infection, had a D&C (my huge fear...anesthesia...lack of control) and as a result of ALLLLL of that, I have been off work since December and suffering.

Some days are good. Today for example I feel ok. Yesterday and the day before, were awful. Panic, overwhelming fear that I was losing my mind, hours of crying with depression thinking I will never get better.

It seems I do ok for a few days then crash for a few days. I know that in recovery that is what can happen. But each episode of the panic attacks, fears etc scare me so much. I feel crazy. I feel I can't parent. I am scared of everything around me. I don't trust anyone or anything. I cry. I don't sleep. I worry, worry, worry...

Anyhow, I am a mom to 2 beautiful children...I miss my life. I miss consistency and being ok....Today I am ok. Praying it lasts. Thanks everyone for allowing me to introduce myself and share my story. I am supposed to go back to work part time on the 10th. Scary....

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 9

New here and feeling down

Dear Kaylee,

You sound alot like me...I'm new here too. Good luck to you and thank you so much for sharing your story. Hugs. Carmen

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 9

Hello there

Hello again and thank you for the welcomes,

During my recovery years ago it was helpful for me to talk with others that had gone through the same thing. I was part of a panic group. You can appreciate how hard it was for me to get to that group as I had the agoraphobia.

I am finding that the last couple of days have been good days... I started to fall the other day and went against my stubborn nature to take an ativan. I was angry because Ii was looking forward to testing the waters and going to a function. The minute I walked in, I felt my head get tight. I couldn't focus or see straight. I felt panicky and unable to concentrate. I tried to do my breathing and yes I got through about an hour. I guess I should celebrate. I left there though crying, miserable, feeling defeated and a real mess.

For me, I feel I am starting to see the light now. I have to focus on finding even a small amount of joy each day. Otherwise the world looks too dark and scary. When its good, I feel I can achieve anything. When I am having an episode or bad day I feel so sad, so crazy and so angry and scared that I will never ever get better.

Will I get better???? Do others relate?

It's hard to do this again. I don't want to be in this place. I don't want to wake up in the morning and my first though be "will I sleep tonight?" That's crazy! I don't want to do that. I don't want to worry irrationally and be unable to shut it off. I hate that.

My children are enrolled in a group starting this month for kids whose parents struggle with mental illness. While they are not abused or neglected, I know it is hard for them and I know that the relapse that started last December along with the other events have been difficult.

Anyhow, can anyone relate???? I feel alone today. I have to attempt to go back to work on Tuesday. That scares me. As a single mom I don't get to get well on the time limit needed. Advice?????

Carmen

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 9

new and scared

Dear Judy,

I too understand. I am like you in the sense that I can normally pull it off and be incredibly strong. However, due to a series of events I too have lived the last three months in fear. It has kept me a prisoner and the frustration of feeling like it is so dark and scary is overwhelming. Days of lows so low that I didn't know how I could breathe another moment. I will encourage you and say that I am seeing the light. I am getting about 3 good days now in a row before the fear overwhelms me. Even when it does start I fight. I tell myself (sometimes for hours) that I am ok, that others go through this illness and survive every day. That I am making progress. That I am strong and I am not crazy. Fear is an emotion and I will not let an emotion control me. I also had to let go of my phobia of ativan and start taking it in the daytime if I absolutely have too. I take it religiously at night to sleep (another fear of mine is not sleeping and without the ativan becomes a self fulfilling prophecy). You are doing the right thing going to your doctor. You can do this. I am facing a fear on Tuesday of returning to work. Don't know how it will go but my tip to myself and others like you facing a fear is to say "so, what's the worst that will happen?" I'm not going to die. I may not feel good but I will live. I also do have options. I can try and if it doesn't work I can get my doctor to give me more time off. This keeps me from going off the deep end of fear about it. A fine line.

Small steps Judy...... Don't be ashamed. We are all normally very strong and capable people who have fallen into this. It's rotten and difficult. But we are in this together and you will start to see bits of sunshine in your day. Grab them when you see them. Hugs...Carmen

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 9

Meds, Symptoms and Support

Hello all,

I am having quite the time thinking about the fact that I have to "attempt" to go back to work on Tuesday. I have not been there since Mid December. My biggest challenge is what happens in my head. Even when relaxed, like right now, I find that when I am even doing daily activities for short time I get brain fog, inability to think, a tight band around my head, poor memory and recall. I find that my brain if exposed to anything even remotely stressful just "shuts down." It's scary. I feel like I have made alot of progress. I know this because I add up all the baby steps and see where I am now from where I was in December. But still, even right now I am having serious issues concentrating. Going for a walk which normally would help me in the past, causes this. I just feel very alone and very frustrated. I have been working so hard!!!! Its like a fight and I have to go back to work to support my kids but don't think I am ready and I don't know what to do...

As with my meds, I have been on Zoloft for 9 years at 50 mg. My doctor wants to change this. He gave me the option to change or try increasing the zoloft. Remembering all of the side effects of going on meds, I chose to increase. It's not helping. Now I face changing meds and I don't know what to expect. What are others experiences with changing meds??? Do they taper you off one and put you on another?? Do you just switch??? Are the side effects better because you were all ready on meds??? I don't even know what meds my doctor would put me on. Have others had successes switching over without much disruption? What meds have people found to be successful?? Specificially, when switching off Zoloft...

I also take ativan and have found out the hard way that I am addicted to my night time pill. That scares me.....I am authorized up to 3 mg per day but generally only take 1-2 mg.. The rest of the time I work at it myself.

I am starting a 14 week GAD group this upcoming Thursday. I am hoping it will help. The thing is, I know that cognitive behaviour therapy is quite effective. I use it every day as it is to get through! However, this mind fuzziness. What I described above...What causes that? Why?

I just feel quite low today. I am trying to be good to myself. I am trying to be positive and keep busy. I just don't feel good and fear this will never end. It's so scary and when you feel ok you see the light. But when a low hit, its almost like you can't remember the light anymore....

Thanks,

Carmen

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 9

Meds, Symptoms and Support

Thank you Breanne and that is what I'm trying. Today I have court to settle things with my ex husband. Very scary. Then the work tomorrow. Trying, trying, trying. Didn't sleep so good last night and that really plays with my head.

Yes I would really like to hear about others experiences switching medications??? how its done and what worked well for people. I really want to get my mind back and not have these periods of not being able to think. Thank you, Carmen

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 9

Morning Anxiety Is The Worst

I get this. I find that when I don't have trouble falling asleep, I sure have trouble staying asleep. All are forms of insomnia and it is horrible to start your day at 4 am feeling so terrible. I'm thinking of you and when you are up at 4 am, know I probably am too and we are doing this panic thing together (smile). You are not alone and we are going to make it. Take care, Carmen

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 9

I feel like this will never end

I have now officially gone back to work on a reduced schedule. The first 2 days were ok, the 3rd not so good. mainly because the insomnia is back. The ativan is not working anymore and I have exhausted my resources in regards to CBT and natural approaches. I use my changeways relaxation CD. I feel like I will never get better. I have to work for the sake of my kids. I support them. It's horrible when these lows hit and I feel so useless and worthless.

I want to be in recovery. I know its not as bad as at its worst place. But I'm scared. I am addicted to my nighttime ativan as it is and clearly my antidepressants aren't working. I'm scared to death to transition off the zoloft I have been on for 10 years. Fear of side effects I remember being worse than the anxiety disorder.

I'm scared. I have to go to my GAD group today. I have 3 days off and then 4 back on again....I hardly made it through 3 this week. How do I make it through 4????

Lack of sleep or simply broken sleep, waking up after only a couple hours etc just compounds this. I don't think I can do this anymore...I really don't.....I give up.

Carmen

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 9

I feel like this will never end

I take melatonin. I do the warm bath thing. I do the warm milk. I don't let my room be anything but a place to sleep. I take the herbal teas, the rescue remedy flower essences. I use my CBT tools. It's very very very hard. What I need is something to knock me out and give me a great sleep every once in awhile so I can see things from a different perspective...

I am going to my doctor tonight to talk about a med switch. I have no idea what switching meds will be like or how it is done. I have been on Zoloft for so long I have to wonder how I get off it and get on something else???

Will it affect my ability to work while I switch over? Will it be ok? Will it allow me to finally get my life back?

Get off the ativan hopefully. I hate taking medication. Just hate it. But I don't mind a different antidepressant if it will work.

Anyhow, thank you all. I am still working inspite of my frequent attacks and bursts of emotions. Praying for an end to this.

How is switching meds for others????? Please let me know. Carmen :)

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